psalm 32

this morning i woke up, turned on my coffee pot & threw some trader joes blueberry scones in the oven {they are soo good.} 
my maggie girl was still sleeping so i settled down on the couch and turned on the today show. & i was hit by this huge wave of conviction. "ally, you have time to yourself, spend it with me." so i listened. and i was blessed. 

nick and i have been camping out in the book of psalms for the past 2 weeks. we have been walking with Jesus through a really hard transition {which i will be talking about SOON.} and we have been finding great joy and comfort in the words of Gods spoken through David. i really love psalm 30. i really, really love it. it talks about how joy comes in the morning. i mean, who doesnt love that? but i didnt feel like that is what Jesus wanted me to read today. so i turned the page and came across psalm 32. in an instant i underlined pretty much the whole thing. but this is the part that really stuck with me - as we have been talking about Jesus being our hiding place, about having the Lord use this time to teach us. this was just what i needed. 

i just feel so much peace when i read those words. He is my hiding place. He delivers us. but more importantly, He will instruct me and teach me in the way that i should go. YES, YES, YES LORD. INSTRUCT ME. TEACH ME. SHOW ME THE WAY TO GO.
i want to shout that at the top of my lungs. i feel so much joy in those words. those promises that the Jesus will tell me and teach me and show me where we are going next, what we are doing, and what he wants for my life. those words are so loving, the rush over me like a cool wind on a hot day, 'i will counsel you with my eye upon you'- i feel so much love from my father in heaven with those words. it is as if i seriously could burst open at the tenderness of those words. God is going to counsel me, with his eye watching out for me. i have never trusted him more than i do reading those words.  

surrender

Source: bottomlessbellybutton.tumblr.com via Rebecca on Pinterest

i have been asking God to give me a word to focus and pray on in 2012, and last night after a giant blow up, He did.

surrender

the dictionary defines the word as:

" to yield the the power, control or possession of another upon demand"

i desperately need to surrender my life to Jesus.

last night, nick & i had an argument. okay, it was a full blown fight that started as a few tiny frustrations in my heart. those frustrations stemmed from unmet expectations and from me feeling so out of control, so tired, and so over all areas of my life. not just a little tired, but empty tired. do you know the tired i am talking about?

i cried over my kitchen sink to Jesus, admitting to him that i no longer trusted him to be in control. that i felt like i had a much better handle on my life. that i didn't feel him or want him or trust him. as i let the hot tears fill my sink i was crying out to be saved from my own death, a death that i was causing for myself. 

i told my husband that i wanted, i needed to be rescued, that i longed to be saved. he lovingly reminded me that i have been. i just needed to open my eyes and see it.

the past few months i have really let my relationship with Jesus slide. i have actually lost my Bible multiple times because it had been so long since i had opened it. sure, i prayed every day, but only really had heartfelt prayers when i 'needed' to. i would feel conviction and push it down - too proud to deal with it. and then last night it all blew out of me like a cork in a bottle of champagne. it blew up and lots of ugly bubbled out with it. and then it settled, and then i felt deep, heavy, guilt. and i feel those pesky feelings of depression sneaking back in. 
nick sat down and read these verses to me, {Ephesians 4:17- 30}

 

    [17] Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. [18] They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. [19] They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. [20] But that is not the way you learned Christ!—[21] assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, [22] to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, [23] and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, [24] and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.
    [25] Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. [26] Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, [27] and give no opportunity to the devil. [28] Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. [29] Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. [30] And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
   
(Ephesians 4:17-30 ESV)  

i was so convicted. i have been acting as a gentile. i am darkened in my understanding,i have alienated myself from the life of God, and i have the hardest most calloused heart i could imagine. OH, but then came the hope. 

[20] But that is not the way you learned Christ!—

those words are so sweet to this bitter heart. the passage goes on to talk about the old and the new self. i confessed that i had taken off that beautiful new self to put back on my filthy rags.

 BUT THAT IS NOT HOW I LEARNED CHRIST!!!

i learned that the truth was in Jesus, but i abandoned it for the lie that i could do it all on my own.

this sweet husband of mine prayed over me and my desperate heart and this morning i woke up with a new mind. a heart full of repentance for the words i so foolishly let spill out of my mouth, for the ugly way that i acted, for worshiping myself and not following my husband, but worse- not pursuing Jesus.

i spent the morning asking for forgiveness for being a stray sheep who is always constantly straying and who wont respond obediently to loving correction from the Shepherd.

i woke up this morning with a new song in my heart, and the promises of psalms 30 filling my mind. 

  i feel so thankful that Jesus has given me this word, that he has called me, and asked me to surrender my life to him. i am excited to see where this year will take me as i continue to give up my control, my expectations, my wants, and my life to serve him more. 

a walk through 2011

Hello sweet readers.
i am surprised that there are any of you left.
thank you for hanging in there with me. 

i have just been in a place of 'blah' lately. 
not sure what to write about, not having the time to write, the list could go on. i feel like i have yet to find my voice in blogging. does that make sense? do you ever feel that way? 


anyways, i wanted to do a little recap of what i blogged about this year. i love the new year. NYE is easily one of my top 3 holidays. { i like the firework holidays - NYE, 4th of july, & valentines day...} i really like starting fresh, and using it at a time to get organized and make goals. i dont really make resolutions, because i am no good at keeping them. (although i did a pretty okay job on my list from last year.)but i do like making goals. this year i am working on a 25 by 25 list {which i'll be sharing sometime next week} instead of a 'new years list'. having a list keeps me accountable. 


i have so much that i want to blog about - so much life to catch up on. i have countless photo's from maggie's first birthday {as well as a letter to her i want to share}, our 80's dance party to celebrate our birthdays, i have a post i want to write about Christmas & an 13 month post about our little girl {who is nearing 14 months now...} i have lots to catch up on & i am hoping that i can do that in the next few weeks. will you stay with me?


to be honest, 2011 has been the hardest year i have had. there has been so many hardships that we have walked through and i am really looking forward to a new start. i am really looking forward to all the things that Jesus has planned for this family in 2012. here is a quick look back at our year.


in january i really started getting serious about blogging as a hobby. i started to enjoy it a lot more and felt like it was a great creative outlet. i also learned some really beautiful lessons in being a mama that i am so thankful for. i joined the link up and devoted myself to 31 days of blogging, called 'project 31' - 31 days of blogging about what real beauty is. it really helped me to blog more regularly and to really reach some deeper parts of my heart and helped me to gain perspective on who i am.


febuary is one of my favorite months. this febuary was hard. it was not sweet and fancy like i envisioned. i did write a little bit about my favorite holiday, but what i mostly wrote about was my struggles with a screaming baby and a low milk supply - and i wrote a sweet letter to my friend and a letter to my sweet girl.


in march we discovered what was making our lady scream so much, i shared a recipe for our favorite soup, a sweet post about being married for 2 years, about my first day back at work. and i shared some really special photos of 4 generations. 

april was a busy month. i wrote about going through a storm, about how my sweet husband got a new job, and about wanting to start some family traditions. i also shared a bit of our Easter with you as well as my pretty new blog design & celebrated the new blog design with my very first giveaway.

may was one of my favorite months. i blogged about the royal marriage, my husband surprised me and posted a sweet blog for me on mothers day, i was able to quit my job at starbucks, maggie pearl turned six months old and became a fighter, i wrote about my fears of going on a womens retreat, and what i learned on that retreat.  


in june this little blog was added to faithblogs, i did a recap on our wonderful weekend trip to portland, i told you all how perfect i am, about trials, and about becoming planted.

july i wrote about getting to watch my one of my bff's give birth & how that changed my view of mamahood. 
i started the story of how i met my husband, and celebrated knowing him for 3 whole years. july was also the month we stopped sleeping.


maggie saw her reflection for the first time in august. i got real and talked about what had really been going on with me all year - postpartum depression. i shared more about who i am, and about one of my worst days as a mama. 


i camped out in proverbs 31 for a while in september. and i posted a recipe that we love, and some that maggie loves, as well as watched my baby girl turn 10 months old. 


in october i posted a video of our little lemonhead. i heard from the LORD about resting, and we took our eleven month old to the farm.


i posted all about pumpkins & halloween costumes in november. we celebrated our 3 year anniversary of our engagement, took a walk down memory lane, talked about being thankful, had a wake up call and celebrated our daughter turning ONE. 


decemeber is the month that i neglected this blog. i wrote about celebrating my sweet wonderful husband man, a post about our church and why i love it, and about my new love of glitter. 


as i mentioned, this year was full of hard times, growth, redemption and a whole lot of blessings. thanks for coming along on this crazy ride with me. 


reflecting back on this makes me praise Jesus, because i can see so much fruit and growth from earlier this year to where my heart is now. He is so good. 


happy new year, friends! 

hurricane

i have wrote about this a hundred times on this little blog. i am sorry if you are tired of hearing about it. 

last week i was talking to my husband about the last year and a half of our life. i felt like the only way that i could explain how i felt was like this. 

i feel like i have been through a hurricane. 

before i got pregnant, my life was on the best path ever. 
i had flourishing friendships, a deeper relationship with the Lord, a handle on my emotions, we were serving, leading and active in ministry and what the Lord had called us to do.

then we got hit. 
a hurricane came.
life got hard.
i chose to not hold on to my anchor.
i let that hurricane whip me around.
i let it bruise me and break me.
i let it take over me.
i let it shake me to my core.


now. i am not in any way blaming my pregnancy for this hurricane. i believe that sometimes, we go through stormy seasons. i, however did not handle the storm well. as i said, i let go of my anchor. i didnt see this storm as something that the Lord was using to sanctify me. i saw it as a huge, giant, painful event. i did not recognize that all suffering is real, and that it is not pointless. i had somehow forgotten that Jesus suffered greatly, and that he could be my greatest comforter, and when a faithful pastor spoke that truth to me, it changed my life. 

what comes with a hurricane? 
well, after the whiping around, after the fear of what is next, after the hurt, comes destruction.


friends, i look around my life and i see devestation in so many places. 
i see negelcted friendships,
broken relationships.
i see pieces of the last year just strewn about, nothing is really left standing.
except my faith.
and it is stronger than ever.
but i am seeing all the tattered pieces of my life that i need to pick back up, that i need to put back together, fires that i need to put out, things i need to rebuild - - and the task looks overwhelming. 


but the truth is, that it is not overwhelming if i just take it all to Jesus. ask him to help me rebuild what the hurricane of this last year has destroyed. it means a lot of hard conversations with friends that are very dear to me, a lot of apologies and reconciliation. it means humbly admitting that even in the midst of my hurt and pain, i was still a sinner. that those hard moments of my life did not make me exempt from that. i need to be thankful and stop complaining. there is no way i can rebuild anything with a heart of un-thankfulness. { i can honestly say that the LORD has been working on this part of my life in BIG ways!} 


so even though this last year has been a wreck, it has been the most beautiful wreck i have ever seen.
the grace that has been poured out, the love, the mercy and the comfort that has been poured out on me and my family by Jesus is astounding. He really is the best - and i really dont deserve it. 
i am really looking forward to sitting here a year from now, and sharing with you how he turned this mess into something breathtakingly beautiful... Turing this trial away from me and making it all about his glory. 


Jesus is good friends. so, so good. 

thankful

 

i know that i am a day late. 

but i am still thankful.

right now i am siting awake at my parents house suffering from a severe case of insomnia along with christmas morning excitement to go shopping in just about 2 hours. i think i have slept for about 2 hours. but honestly, who can sleep in a bed with your husband and your crazy 1 year old who needs a jet engine fan blowing to sleep & who sleeps at an angle taking up at least half of the bed? {not me.}

but i am not complaining. i actually am 100% ok with this no sleep thing tonight. or last night. or whatever. 

i am so thankful for my little family and all the blessings we have been given.

i am thankful for:

my husband. he loves and serves me every.single.day. he is such a huge blessing to me and i am so thankful that Jesus saw it fit for us to be married.

my daughter. she is full of joy, she gives us such joy, she is a constant reminder that i need my savior & being her mama has sanctified me in so many ways.

my family. i loved having our non traditonal, crazy loud, thanksgiving dinner. sometimes having a large, loud family can be overwhelming, but i wouldnt change it for anything.

my Jesus. oh, he is the thing i am most thankful for. without him i am nothing. he is my strength, & it is only by his grace that i can do this life.

my friends. i know i am not as good as a friend sometimes as i should be. i am working on it. but i really have the best friends. i am so thankful i get to walk through life with them.

this blog. i have been terrible at blogging lately, but i am still so thankful for this little space of mine. it has been an amazing year since i really got 'serious' about blogging, and i have met some amazing ladies, shared deep parts of my heart, & found something to do that makes me feel more like me. 

being a stay at home mama. i really am thankful for this one. it is something that i never thought would work & through my entire pregnancy i never imagined i would be at home with my lady. i am thankful that the LORD provides and for my husband who works hard to make this dream possible. i do not take it for granted. at all.

i am thankful for so many other things, but it is nearing 2:30am and i should try to maybe get another half hour of sleep... or just go wake up my mama like i used to on Christmas day. hmmmm...

happy thanksgiving friends. i am thankful for you.

 

a 3am wake up call

this morning we had a wake up call that we have not had in many months. 


crying.


maggie woke up at 3am.
nick went in and comforted her and rocked her for nearly
twenty minutes.
she went back to sleep.


he came back in and then she woke up.
it was my turn.
i went in and picked her up & sang to her.
she stopped.
sometimes a girl just needs her mama.


i sat there and rocked her and she would not fall asleep.
we sat and looked out at the moon and i prayed for her.
i told her about how last year this weekend she changed my life.
as tears rolled down my cheeks onto her light brown curls i told her all about how much she changed my life, how i spent an entire day in labor with her not knowing that she would be this special to me.


and then the LORD reminded me of the verse that has been on my heart and in the front of my mind since november 12,2010. 

Source: typographicverses.com via Leah on Pinterest

i was reminded that when i was in labor, Christ gave me strength.
when i didnt know how we were going to take our baby home and not have any help, He gave me strength.
when my husband went back to work, He gave me strength.

when i had no idea how to nurse a baby, He gave me strength.
when i could no longer nurse that baby, and struggled with giving her a bottle, He gave me strength.


He gave me strength when i thought that i could never get out of the hole of depression i was in. 


He gave me strength when we didnt sleep and He was giving me strength to rock maggie to sleep at 3am. 


He would also give me strength to get through her first birthday. 
strength to learn how to take care of a toddler, not an infant.
strength to get me through everyday i have with this little girl.


i have never been more thankful for a 3am rockfest with my little lady. 
{i know what to put in my thankful jar today...}

a thankful heart, is a happy heart.

Source: gatherlove.tumblr.com via Ally on Pinterest

earlier this year, i was inspired by my sweet friend, megan. she started a jar of blessings (you can read about it here)
i wanted so badly to follow with her and do it every single day, but i never did. so, i thought that we would do our own little twist on this great idea. i know this is not the first time that you have heard of this, but it has been so helpful in cultivating a heart of thankfulness instead of comparison or ungratefulness. {is that a word?!}


we started a thankful jar. 

 

each day for the month of november, nick and i are writing down something we are thankful for. my plan is to start doing this everyday for the whole year {give or take} and have them to read on thanksgiving. 

i have found already, that i spend more time thinking about what i am thankful for and less time wishing i had things that i dont. i am really excited about this jar and what it means for our family. i am really looking forward to reading these on thanksgiving day. 

we were using just plain old sticky notes to write on & then i found this awesome free printable 

 

Source: lifemadelovely-blog.com via Ally on Pinterest

 so i printed that cute little thing out and we write our thanks on something really darling. {which is something i am thankful for...}  

how do you guys keep track of things that you are thankful for?

sunshine

today there is sunshine.

a lot of beautiful sunshine.

last year on this exact day 

i wrote this.

today, as i sit here and watch my daughter

read books,

watch her walk around and talk to me

{in a way that only she can}

i fell so blessed.

so blessed to have carried that girl in my belly for 

nine whole months {plus 7 extra days}

so blessed that even though we have had the hardest year

of my whole life

we have felt God's grace poured out on our family.

so blessed to teach, love and nurture the sweetest little lady.

so blessed that her birth was not what i had planned, but that it 

was just what God had planned.

so blessed that we get to be the parents to the happiest little girl.

today there is sunshine.

lots of beautiful sunshine.

and i see it as a sweet gift from the LORD.

a sweet reminder of last year and the week that i waited for 

maggie, and all that i learned that week.

sunshine. 

she will be full of sunshine.

she will be my sunshine.

she will be nick's sunshine.

and she will be HIS sunshine.

 last year i wrote those words for my daughter who i had not met yet.

and this year i am re posting those words for my daughter who i have had the pleasure to spend every single day with for the past year, because these words are so true of who she is.

maggie is full of sunshine.

she is my sweet sunshine.

maggie is nick's sunshine.

but most importantly i know she belongs to 

Jesus.

she is HIS sunshine.

something exciting is going on with this blog...

hello friends!

i have something really fun to tell you.

my little blog was just added to faith blogs! 

if you dont know what faith blogs is, please go check it out.

its wonderful.

there are t o n s of amazing blogs written by ladies who love Jesus. 

if you are here from faith blogs, hello! i am excited that you stopped by! i am so excited to 'meet' more of you & to learn from you & with you. 

happy tuesday! 

i only had 10 mins...

this week is busy, busy, busy. 
i am co-planning a baby shower for this lovely lady this weekend. 
which means that i have so many craft projects to work on, 
so many things to bake. and gifts to get together.
on saturday we are also going to a wedding.
& i am super excited about it.
i love weddings. a lot.
which also means that i have to figure out 2 fancy outfits.
{baby shower & wedding.} 
buy some more sweet gifts.
& finalize babysitting plans.


oye.
just looking at all that makes me tired. 
& i started the 30 day shred last night with my sweet husband.
{i adore how supportive he is.}
so my body is sore in all kinds of places.
so this mama is tired. really tired.


i am thankful for the fact that i keep getting constant strength from the LORD. 
that i know that he will carry me even when i am so weary.
i love that.


oh. & i have a veggie pizza in the oven right now.
that might be burning.
opps.


at least we are getting frozen yougurt tonight.
& my daughter loves to watch disney movies.
which is so delightful. 
i love hearing peter pan while i do dishes. 


alright, enough of my ramblings. 
i'll be back tomorrow with something more, uh, meaningful. 
{or at least i'll try}

so many blessings!

oh. my. friends. my heart is so full right now! i have a lot of things to say, so please just bear with me.

to start out; the death cold has hit the macewen household {again}. this week was TERRIBLE over here. i mean, we went through more tissues that i thought possible, 2 boxes of cold meds, countless boogie wipes {if you dont know what those are, google them. amazing!} i have not been this sick in a looong time, and it was miserable. i had to call in sick from work {which i never do} 2 days this week. on tuesday i had a fever and a sore throat, on wednesday i had a light fever and sore throat and a deep voice, on thursday i had no voice at all and it felt like i was swallowing fire. then, while trying to go to sleep last night i had so much sinus pressure that my jaw and my ear were throbbing in pain. its gross. all the while miss maggie has snot coming out of everywhere and a cough that scares this mama. {not to mention a low grade fever pretty much all week.} so, there is very little sleep going  on over here, which makes it so much more exciting. :) the good news is that i think we are on the mend. i am feeling a lot better today {although not 100%} and mags shows signs of that too. thank you Jesus! {especially since i work tomorrow at 4am!}

another huge blessing is that my sweet babe loves being in the bath! it was 2 days shy of her 5 month birthday and she loves being in the water! like she seriously would scream like no other when we put her in the water. {or near water for that matter} and now the girl loves it. like she can not get enough. the girl splashes and loves to kick around. its a huge accomplishment for our little lady, and a giant blessing to this mama and daddy! so this morning we took a long bath together. its so wonderful because i dreamed of splashing and playing in the bath together with her and i honestly never thought that it was possible. but today, my silly little dream came true. and it was bliss for this tired, sick, overwhelmed mama.  
{maggie also started to sit up on her own this week... but more about that later!} 

and the biggest, most wonderful blessing of all is:: 

he got the job! 

thank you for all your prayers! it is such a huge blessing to our little family! nick called me this morning to let me know that they picked him to be promoted to assistant store manager! i can not believe it! this has been a long journey of just trusting Jesus with my sweet husbands job, and a year ago we had NO idea that this could or would be a possibility! this is HUGE friends! {& more to come on why it is so huge for our family soon!} today is such a great day & gift from the LORD. i am excited to go out and celebrate this awesome news with my sweet family and my sweet husband. i am so thankful and super excited about this next chapter of our lives! {nick, if you are reading; i love you and am so thankful for how you have & will continue to provide for our family! }  we are still giggly over here with excitement!

today will be a 2 post day, i'll be back with some sweet pictures of little pearl, and for mama in focus friday! {& some more fun news! stay tuned!} 

xo,

a