what i am learning from proverbs 31

i just havent really felt like blogging this past week. a lot of stuff has been going on that doesnt need to be shared with the internet, & if i would have blogged, it all would have come out. like word vomit. & thats not pretty, or {most importantly} glorifying to the LORD. so, as much as i missed my little corner of the web, i think it is safe to say, its been better for me to be quiet over here. 
with that being said, i feel like i can come back, & write about other things & that makes me happy!

so, one of the things i was struggling with particularly last week was having a list of questions for Jesus and then for my husband. 


while we were dating i had this HUGE desire to be a proverbs 31 woman. there is nothing wrong with that desire, but i thought that the moment that i said, "i do" i would transform into that amazing, incredible,excellent woman. oh, how wrong i was. before i was a wife, i didnt really do any of those things well. i didnt like to get up early to take care of anyone, i didnt budget well, i had no interest in cooking for anyone. ever. i was filled with fear and anxiety and looked at the days to come with enough of those things to kill someone. i thought i was wise and kind, but realized very quickly that those things were not true. & i spoke often about how i would never in a million years disrespect my husband, or bring him anything but encouragement and praise. 


after returning from our honeymoon at one of the happiest places on earth, {disneyworld!} i thought, "well, here we go... we are just so happy and i am going to perform this role as wife so well. its going to be so easy, because i am going to just wake up and be that woman from proverbs." but there was laundry, and conflicting schedules, and someone had to cook dinner and wash those dishes that sat in my sink. i grew angry and bitter about that woman in proverbs. i think i sometimes hated her. it felt like this huge burden looming over me. i was feeling so guilty and feeling like my husband probably thought that he was getting the short end of the stick. i know he wondered what happened to the little lady who said she desired to be this excellent wife and woman? where had she gone? because i had become {still am} a wife full of anger, disappointment, regret, and often times, disrespect. 

why am i telling you all of this? well mostly because i have said it a million times, i want to be authentic on this blog. i dont want you to think for a millisecond that i have it all together. because that would be so dishonest of me. i want to share how i am learning and growing so i can look back and see the grace and i can get encouragement from others who have walked this before me, or so that maybe the LORD can use all the dirt that i am covered in to bring to light his amazing glory. 

Source: thealternativebride.blogspot.com via Megan on Pinterest

so, i sat down with nick and asked him if i was bringing rottenness to his bones. {i didnt really use those words, but basically...} his answer was so loving { & such a gift from the LORD} he had told me that he was just reading this article and felt led to share it with me before i even talked to him about all of this. the lady who wrote this is wonderful. she spoke at our womens retreat 2 years ago as well as did some of the teaching in our premarital classes. i read this sweet article and allowed the guilt and condemnation that i feel about not being a proverbs 31 woman/wife to just fall off of my shoulders.

i love how she says that an excellent wife is not found, but forged. 

 An excellent wife is not found but forged. No man goes out and finds a woman who is pure wife perfection and marries her. Neither of them truly know what that even looks like yet! 

i had no idea what being an excellent wife looked like, i just had in my mind this huge list of things i needed to accomplish to get there. i love that she says that because i know that for me, that little quote brings such freedom! to know that i am not trash, that i have value as a wife and a woman in the LORD, as long as i allow him to teach me and forge me into the excellent wife that he desires and created me to be. 

Excellence is not measured by a to-do list; 

it is manifested in the life of a wife who knows 

Jesus intimately.

and this is where it gets so raw for me. because i struggle with knowing Jesus intimately. the truth is, i know Jesus, but i dont know him in a deep intimate way. this has been very convicting to me. i desire to know Jesus more deeply, but i am always so focused on being the best wife and the best mama and the best daughter and the best friend that i dont have time 'time' to work on my relationship with the LORD. ugh. that kills me to type. its so amazing that the answer to those questions of , " how do i become a more excellent__________" lies in the simple truth of,  

know Jesus more intimately.

and that is my goal, my desire and my prayer. i would love encouragement, accountability and grace as i learn to know my savior in a much deeper way & in turn become more like the woman that he created me to be. please, read this article, i know you will be blessed by these beautiful, guilt free words.