praise God from whom all blessings flow...

i have been so blessed this week in many different ways. 

+ my baby girl has been sleeping through the night-- in her own bed!

+ yesterday i got to throw a shower for one of my best friends, who will be having her baby girl very, very SOON.


+ AND, this little blog is being featured on faith blogs as the blog of the week!! { so if you are visiting from faith blogs - welcome! please let me know that you are here!} 


my heart feels really full. 


i have been prayerfully considering what to write about on this blog for a few weeks. & honestly, i woke up 3 days ago ready to share something really raw & honest. and then with this little blog being featured on faithblogs, i thought i would chicken out. but the truth is, Jesus wants me to share this, & i am counting it a blessing that maybe more people will read this post because of the timing. either way, i am going to be obedient to the LORD and what he has placed on my heart to share. 


are you ready? becuase this is the most honest i have been on this blog yet. {am i ready?!} 


if we are friends in real life, or if you follow me on twitter or facebook, you will read that since being a mama i have struggled. things have been so much harder than i thought they would be. i have not talked about it because i have been to afraid of what those around me will think - or say. i have been to proud to share what i am walking in because i have a fear that people will treat me differently & that is the very last thing that i want. so this may come as a surprise, but it probably wont. 


for the last 10 months i have been suffering from Post Partum Depression. 
{just typing that out makes me so nervous.}


the past 10 months have been the hardest months of my life. i have desired to be a mama since i was a little girl. i waited with great anticipation for our little lady. i was happy, excited & couldn't stop daydreaming about holding my little baby, rocking a crying baby to sleep, playing with and dressing our girl, going places happily as a family of 3. when i was about 8 months pregnant, i became tired. i was so ready to meet this baby, so tired of being pregnant and huge during the fall in rainy, gloomy seattle, with nothing to wear {because nothing fit.} something happened in my heart that month. it became sad. i thought nothing of it because it seemed "normal" to feel 'blue' about all the things happening. 


i remember the day my daughter was born. she was 7 days late. every day that i was overdue the doctors told me that she was not going to come anytime soon. i grew anxious and angry. i wanted my baby to be born. i wanted control. i was upset at everyone & i did not enjoy very much of that week. the day that maggie was born was the hardest, most tiring, most joy filled day of my life. i was in labor for well over 20 hours. after our little lady came into the world, i felt joy. i felt happiness. i felt love like i had never known. but there was something else that i felt. it was fear. not of what taking care of a baby would be like, but fear that i was not good enough. fear that i would fail. fear that i would suffer from depression & fear of what that meant. our baby girl was an amazing newborn. she barely cried. she slept, she ate, she was tiny and quiet. she was perfect. the first 2 months were great. i felt so busy that i never thought much about myself or how i was doing. when maggie turned 6 weeks old, i lost it. i was always sad. i was always angry. i was always upset. i was hardly happy. i felt very little joy about the blessing that the LORD had given us. i was tired of waking up in the middle of the night, because my depression caused me to just want to sleep. i was tired of feeling sluggish all the time, but to exhausted to do anything about it. i was way to proud to tell anyone how i was doing because i didnt want people to know i had piles of dirty clothes at my house, a sink FULL of dirty dishes a underfed { and under loved} husband, NO food in my house & that i just spent all day wanting to run away and hide from this new life. i wanted everyone to think i was perfect. but oh, was i struggling. i was so upset that i had not lost anymore baby weight, that my body was bigger now than it was while i was pregnant. i had nothing that fit, some maternity clothes even felt small. { i am still unsure of this reason, & still struggling with the way my post pregnant body looks. but i'll save that for another time.} i was angry at God for not giving me a skinny body, an organized home, a 'better' husband, a 'better' baby. i was sinning constantly and to tired to repent. i went to my doctor for my 6 week check up, filled out a survey about post partum depression & they never asked me a single thing about it. so i thought i certainly was not struggling with depression, i must just be 'messed up', tired or crazy. 


after a few weeks we went to some friends house for dinner. it was there that my husband & one of our best couple friends sat me down and told me it was ok that i was sad, that no one would take my baby away from me and that i could get better. that the LORD would work in my life & bring me through this trial. i agreed to go and talk to a doctor. but i never made the appointment.




maggie was 3 months old by now & i was so upset and frantic all the time that i stopped producing milk. i could not nurse my baby enough to feed her. i was so angry about my body not 'working like it should'. i was constantly upset at my baby. i want to be  very clear that i have never, ever hurt my baby.   i struggled with finding joy in her. & in finding joy in the LORD. in fact, i basically just stopped reading and stopped praying. i was so deeply buried in my depression that seeking the LORD was the farthest thing from my mind. one day i was driving maggie to my parents house, and she was screaming nonstop in the car. screaming, screaming, screaming. i could not take it anymore. i screamed with her, tears flooded down my face, i drove faster & screamed the rest of the 2 minutes i had left in the car. i parked the car at my parents house, opened the door and ran inside. between sobs i told them she was screaming and i couldn't deal with it. i sat in a room far away from my baby and cried. i cried because i didnt want my parents to see me like this, because i didnt want my baby to cry, because i didnt want to be sad anymore, & because i was scared that if i told anyone how sad i was that they would take away my little girl. it was that day that i made a doctors appointment. 



i went and started taking an anti depressant. i gave up nursing {another story for a different time} which as hard as it was, was probably the best thing i have done for my baby ever. and things got worse. i was better for a while, but then i hit this wall again. our baby was about 6 months old when i became the saddest. i couldn't find joy in her AT ALL. i hated being a mama. typing those words makes my heart feel gross. but its truth. i confided all these feelings to a 2 friends who encouraged me to seek Jesus, to seek counseling & committed to walking through this with me. it was the best day. i felt the LORD calling me back to him. i could see hope - i could see that there was light at the end of this really dark tunnel. 


nick and i talked really deeply about what i was dealing with, discovered that not only had i been dealing with a deep depression, but i also had been under heavy spiritual oppression. i had been hearing lie after lie, and believing them - causing me to drift farther and farther away from the LORD. he prayed over me, i prayed for me & we started counseling at our church. we have been going for about 3 months now & i have been learning what the gospel really is and how is applies to what i am going through. we have been learning to pray against the enemy. & i have been growing so much closer to Jesus - trusting him more, taking my fears and anxiety to him, learning that this role of mamahood is not easy, but it is still a blessing. i have been gaining wisdom from those around me & sharing this struggle on this blog is scary, but it is just what Jesus wants me to do. to bring this darkness into light. friends, i am not 100% happy all the time. there are many times during the day that i struggle finding joy in being a mama, plenty of times i daydream about my life before our little girl. t struggle with anger when she cries, or when she doesnt do what i want. but God is good. he is sufficient. & he answers when i call out to him.



why am i putting this very deep, very personal struggle on this blog? 
it is not because i want anyone to feel sorry for me, i am not doing it to gain attention. i am doing it because i want you all to know that there are struggling mama's everywhere. i want you all to know that Jesus is the great healer. i want you all to see Christ glorified in my life, i want to be honest and not keep anything locked inside of my heart that could speak to someone else. if you are reading this and you are a new mama and you are struggling with this, please do not be afraid. call out to Jesus, open up to a few close friends, because this is not what our LORD would have for you, and he can carry this heavy burden for you. i preach that to myself everyday. i want to know you, i want to pray for you. i want to hear your story, because sometimes it just feels good to get it all out. 


i have been so blessed. 
blessed by this blog.
blessed by my sweet community.
blessed by my husband.
blessed by my family.
and blessed beyond all measure by my savior. 




i am looking forward to sharing this journey with you all.
i can not wait to have this blog, and my writing to be full of truth, and full of what a joy my daughter is. i truly believe that she is a blessing, and i am falling deeper in love with her every minute. {especially right now, as she giggles at herself eating mango and crackers... and has it all over her self, including her hair.} i am learning to laugh at these moments instead of be discouraged by them. 


and if you are just visiting, please come back, i promise what i have to say is not always this heavy. 
 thank you for listening!