praise God from whom all blessings flow...

i have been so blessed this week in many different ways. 

+ my baby girl has been sleeping through the night-- in her own bed!

+ yesterday i got to throw a shower for one of my best friends, who will be having her baby girl very, very SOON.

+ AND, this little blog is being featured on faith blogs as the blog of the week!! { so if you are visiting from faith blogs - welcome! please let me know that you are here!} 

my heart feels really full. 

i have been prayerfully considering what to write about on this blog for a few weeks. & honestly, i woke up 3 days ago ready to share something really raw & honest. and then with this little blog being featured on faithblogs, i thought i would chicken out. but the truth is, Jesus wants me to share this, & i am counting it a blessing that maybe more people will read this post because of the timing. either way, i am going to be obedient to the LORD and what he has placed on my heart to share. 

are you ready? becuase this is the most honest i have been on this blog yet. {am i ready?!} 

if we are friends in real life, or if you follow me on twitter or facebook, you will read that since being a mama i have struggled. things have been so much harder than i thought they would be. i have not talked about it because i have been to afraid of what those around me will think - or say. i have been to proud to share what i am walking in because i have a fear that people will treat me differently & that is the very last thing that i want. so this may come as a surprise, but it probably wont. 

for the last 10 months i have been suffering from Post Partum Depression. 
{just typing that out makes me so nervous.}

the past 10 months have been the hardest months of my life. i have desired to be a mama since i was a little girl. i waited with great anticipation for our little lady. i was happy, excited & couldn't stop daydreaming about holding my little baby, rocking a crying baby to sleep, playing with and dressing our girl, going places happily as a family of 3. when i was about 8 months pregnant, i became tired. i was so ready to meet this baby, so tired of being pregnant and huge during the fall in rainy, gloomy seattle, with nothing to wear {because nothing fit.} something happened in my heart that month. it became sad. i thought nothing of it because it seemed "normal" to feel 'blue' about all the things happening. 

i remember the day my daughter was born. she was 7 days late. every day that i was overdue the doctors told me that she was not going to come anytime soon. i grew anxious and angry. i wanted my baby to be born. i wanted control. i was upset at everyone & i did not enjoy very much of that week. the day that maggie was born was the hardest, most tiring, most joy filled day of my life. i was in labor for well over 20 hours. after our little lady came into the world, i felt joy. i felt happiness. i felt love like i had never known. but there was something else that i felt. it was fear. not of what taking care of a baby would be like, but fear that i was not good enough. fear that i would fail. fear that i would suffer from depression & fear of what that meant. our baby girl was an amazing newborn. she barely cried. she slept, she ate, she was tiny and quiet. she was perfect. the first 2 months were great. i felt so busy that i never thought much about myself or how i was doing. when maggie turned 6 weeks old, i lost it. i was always sad. i was always angry. i was always upset. i was hardly happy. i felt very little joy about the blessing that the LORD had given us. i was tired of waking up in the middle of the night, because my depression caused me to just want to sleep. i was tired of feeling sluggish all the time, but to exhausted to do anything about it. i was way to proud to tell anyone how i was doing because i didnt want people to know i had piles of dirty clothes at my house, a sink FULL of dirty dishes a underfed { and under loved} husband, NO food in my house & that i just spent all day wanting to run away and hide from this new life. i wanted everyone to think i was perfect. but oh, was i struggling. i was so upset that i had not lost anymore baby weight, that my body was bigger now than it was while i was pregnant. i had nothing that fit, some maternity clothes even felt small. { i am still unsure of this reason, & still struggling with the way my post pregnant body looks. but i'll save that for another time.} i was angry at God for not giving me a skinny body, an organized home, a 'better' husband, a 'better' baby. i was sinning constantly and to tired to repent. i went to my doctor for my 6 week check up, filled out a survey about post partum depression & they never asked me a single thing about it. so i thought i certainly was not struggling with depression, i must just be 'messed up', tired or crazy. 

after a few weeks we went to some friends house for dinner. it was there that my husband & one of our best couple friends sat me down and told me it was ok that i was sad, that no one would take my baby away from me and that i could get better. that the LORD would work in my life & bring me through this trial. i agreed to go and talk to a doctor. but i never made the appointment.

maggie was 3 months old by now & i was so upset and frantic all the time that i stopped producing milk. i could not nurse my baby enough to feed her. i was so angry about my body not 'working like it should'. i was constantly upset at my baby. i want to be  very clear that i have never, ever hurt my baby.   i struggled with finding joy in her. & in finding joy in the LORD. in fact, i basically just stopped reading and stopped praying. i was so deeply buried in my depression that seeking the LORD was the farthest thing from my mind. one day i was driving maggie to my parents house, and she was screaming nonstop in the car. screaming, screaming, screaming. i could not take it anymore. i screamed with her, tears flooded down my face, i drove faster & screamed the rest of the 2 minutes i had left in the car. i parked the car at my parents house, opened the door and ran inside. between sobs i told them she was screaming and i couldn't deal with it. i sat in a room far away from my baby and cried. i cried because i didnt want my parents to see me like this, because i didnt want my baby to cry, because i didnt want to be sad anymore, & because i was scared that if i told anyone how sad i was that they would take away my little girl. it was that day that i made a doctors appointment. 

i went and started taking an anti depressant. i gave up nursing {another story for a different time} which as hard as it was, was probably the best thing i have done for my baby ever. and things got worse. i was better for a while, but then i hit this wall again. our baby was about 6 months old when i became the saddest. i couldn't find joy in her AT ALL. i hated being a mama. typing those words makes my heart feel gross. but its truth. i confided all these feelings to a 2 friends who encouraged me to seek Jesus, to seek counseling & committed to walking through this with me. it was the best day. i felt the LORD calling me back to him. i could see hope - i could see that there was light at the end of this really dark tunnel. 

nick and i talked really deeply about what i was dealing with, discovered that not only had i been dealing with a deep depression, but i also had been under heavy spiritual oppression. i had been hearing lie after lie, and believing them - causing me to drift farther and farther away from the LORD. he prayed over me, i prayed for me & we started counseling at our church. we have been going for about 3 months now & i have been learning what the gospel really is and how is applies to what i am going through. we have been learning to pray against the enemy. & i have been growing so much closer to Jesus - trusting him more, taking my fears and anxiety to him, learning that this role of mamahood is not easy, but it is still a blessing. i have been gaining wisdom from those around me & sharing this struggle on this blog is scary, but it is just what Jesus wants me to do. to bring this darkness into light. friends, i am not 100% happy all the time. there are many times during the day that i struggle finding joy in being a mama, plenty of times i daydream about my life before our little girl. t struggle with anger when she cries, or when she doesnt do what i want. but God is good. he is sufficient. & he answers when i call out to him.

why am i putting this very deep, very personal struggle on this blog? 
it is not because i want anyone to feel sorry for me, i am not doing it to gain attention. i am doing it because i want you all to know that there are struggling mama's everywhere. i want you all to know that Jesus is the great healer. i want you all to see Christ glorified in my life, i want to be honest and not keep anything locked inside of my heart that could speak to someone else. if you are reading this and you are a new mama and you are struggling with this, please do not be afraid. call out to Jesus, open up to a few close friends, because this is not what our LORD would have for you, and he can carry this heavy burden for you. i preach that to myself everyday. i want to know you, i want to pray for you. i want to hear your story, because sometimes it just feels good to get it all out. 

i have been so blessed. 
blessed by this blog.
blessed by my sweet community.
blessed by my husband.
blessed by my family.
and blessed beyond all measure by my savior. 

i am looking forward to sharing this journey with you all.
i can not wait to have this blog, and my writing to be full of truth, and full of what a joy my daughter is. i truly believe that she is a blessing, and i am falling deeper in love with her every minute. {especially right now, as she giggles at herself eating mango and crackers... and has it all over her self, including her hair.} i am learning to laugh at these moments instead of be discouraged by them. 

and if you are just visiting, please come back, i promise what i have to say is not always this heavy. 
 thank you for listening!


  1. Ah, sweet truth. I hope the relief you feel being honest lasts a looong time.

  2. We all need to walk in the light. You are so right that looking to Jesus is the only way to find peace and joy! Without him, it is easy to fall into despair.
    Love you, Ally! Thank you for being so honest on your blog! I miss being in community group with you. Let's go on a walk soon.

  3. ally, i came over from danielle's blog and i'm so pleased to meet you! thank you for sharing your struggle and opening your heart to your readers. out of the storm comes blessing. i believe that God will use you to be that blessing to others.

  4. Thank you for sharing, Ally. What a beautiful story of God's immense, unending grace! He is good. He will ALWAYS be good. These words have blessed me greatly! And I'm sure sharing them is blessing you too. I look forward to reading more about your journey!

    And I echo Liz's comment. Let's go on a walk soon! :)

  5. I am new here...found you through faithblogs! I look forward to reading more. Thank you for sharing what's on your heart!

  6. Your story was so touching, you had me in tears! But at the same time, I can feel it in your story that He is working something great in you! The fact that you were brave enough to post your story is a big step in his great plans for you :)

  7. Ally, your honesty is beautiful in this post. I love your description of her with crackers & mango in her hair. :) {{hugs}} & prayers for you, friend.

  8. You put this on the blog because its part of your life and part of who you are. I'm glad you did. Makes the Internet that much more welcoming when we know we're reading truth and real stuff :)

    It was so amazing to read through this and at moments to feel so sad and torn up for you and then to end it with praising God for what He's doing in your life! I love how God uses even these horrible, dark times to display His immense and free grace.

    I will be praying for your continued health and growth. You're a beautiful Mommy and Maggie is blessed to have you. Don't let satan fill you with the common lie that if this happened after Maggie, it will happen after all your babies. Its simply not true.

    Also, next time you get pregnant, ask your Dr/midwife to refer to your "due date" as your "guess date" - because that's all it is. Only God knows the day and time our babies are "due". :)

    Love you!

  9. hi. i came over from faith blogs. thanks for sharing your story. i have a 6 months old and though i haven't had this experience, i can just imagine what a relief to someone who has. not only that that they are not alone, but hearing also that in Jesus is hope and victory.

    your little girl is beautiful. :)

    i'm your newest follower.


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