happy tuesday!
Showing posts with label mamahood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mamahood. Show all posts
3.13.2012
water baby
i don't have a lot to say, but how can you resist a cute, happy baby little lady in a bath tub??
we spent nearly an hour in this bath listening to music, splashing around and blowing bubbles. and now, that sweet happy girl is snuggled in her bed napping & i am finally finishing a cup of coffee.
happy tuesday!
happy tuesday!
1.21.2012
more lessons in mamahood
it is no secret that mamahood is hard.
it is no secret that sometimes you want to give up.
if you disagree with me, then i think you are either totally awesome, or totally fooling yourself.
mamahood is not easy.
especially being the mama of my 14 month old.
oh i love maggie something fierce and she brings joy and sunshine
into my life all the time.
but we are in a very difficult stage.
always, whining.
always, crying.
always, frustrated.
always, trying to communicate.
always, wanting to be with mama.
always, wanting our own way.
& i know that this is going to be a short time.
i know from experience that someday really soon, i'll
look back and miss this. {although thats SO hard to see now.}
but i know i will.
because as crazy at it sounds, i sort of miss the sleepless nights.
the constant bouncing to get her to calm down {my sweet friends still tease me about this crazy bounce routine! i love it. }
the baby wearing, so she would fall asleep.
the sweet smell of baby breath {because now, it smells like human breath.}
i miss it all.
last night i was trying to get ready to go out to dinner with one of my best friends. i was so excited to get out of the house, to wear lipstick, to put on makeup and curl my hair. i was ready for ME time.
i put on an episode of 'yo gabba gabb' to entertain mags as i got ready. she didnt even care about the catchy music or about what her favorite character, muno was doing in gabbaland - all she wanted was mama.
i became annoyed.
and then instantly prayed to ask Jesus to help me love my daughter even when i wanted to be alone. and he gave me the desire to not waste this chance at bonding with my daughter. to not waste this time to let her explore.
so, i happily picked up my snot nosed, whiny toddler and plopped her right down into the sink. she giggled with delight. pure, delight that she was sitting in the sink, able to see herself in the mirror and right next to mama. i smiled and then watched her start to grab my make up brushes and make up. & just when i was about to say {for the 900th time that hour} "no no", i watched my little lady use my hairbrush to comb her own hair. and my heart melted into a slushy puddle. i just felt so excited for her to explore and try all the things that mama does. i didnt tell her no at all. i let her pick up anything that was not dangerous and let her 'try' it out. i silently stood there, in awe of my little girl and how big she has become, wasnt it just yesterday that i was bringing her home from the hospital? i took these sweet photos and decided to lock this memory away in my heart and my mind as one of my favorite of my maggie pearl.
as i was writing this blog post, i was just feeling to overwhelmed by mamahood and how hard it was. i was thinking to myself, "ally, & you want at least 2 more babies? what are you thinking? you can not handle it." which is a flat out lie. because i can handle anything that Jesus gives to me. i jumped over to facebook and saw that my sweet friend, kara, had shared this beautiful blog post that i quickly read with tears spilling out of my eyes and burdens being lifted off of my heart. if you have to time to read it, i think it is well worth it.
you can read the post here.
happy saturday, friends.
it is no secret that sometimes you want to give up.
if you disagree with me, then i think you are either totally awesome, or totally fooling yourself.
mamahood is not easy.
especially being the mama of my 14 month old.
oh i love maggie something fierce and she brings joy and sunshine
into my life all the time.
but we are in a very difficult stage.
always, whining.
always, crying.
always, frustrated.
always, trying to communicate.
always, wanting to be with mama.
always, wanting our own way.
& i know that this is going to be a short time.
i know from experience that someday really soon, i'll
look back and miss this. {although thats SO hard to see now.}
but i know i will.
because as crazy at it sounds, i sort of miss the sleepless nights.
the constant bouncing to get her to calm down {my sweet friends still tease me about this crazy bounce routine! i love it. }
the baby wearing, so she would fall asleep.
the sweet smell of baby breath {because now, it smells like human breath.}
i miss it all.
last night i was trying to get ready to go out to dinner with one of my best friends. i was so excited to get out of the house, to wear lipstick, to put on makeup and curl my hair. i was ready for ME time.
i put on an episode of 'yo gabba gabb' to entertain mags as i got ready. she didnt even care about the catchy music or about what her favorite character, muno was doing in gabbaland - all she wanted was mama.
i became annoyed.
and then instantly prayed to ask Jesus to help me love my daughter even when i wanted to be alone. and he gave me the desire to not waste this chance at bonding with my daughter. to not waste this time to let her explore.
as i was writing this blog post, i was just feeling to overwhelmed by mamahood and how hard it was. i was thinking to myself, "ally, & you want at least 2 more babies? what are you thinking? you can not handle it." which is a flat out lie. because i can handle anything that Jesus gives to me. i jumped over to facebook and saw that my sweet friend, kara, had shared this beautiful blog post that i quickly read with tears spilling out of my eyes and burdens being lifted off of my heart. if you have to time to read it, i think it is well worth it.
you can read the post here.
happy saturday, friends.
1.01.2012
oh 2012.
oh 2012.
you started off just like 2011.
with a very sick baby.
but before i get to that - we had the best time at our friends house to celebrate new years eve. there was lots of yummy food, good company and some really intense games of pictionary. i discovered that even though i am really terrible at pictionary, i really, really love it. like, its probably my favorite game - mostly because its filled with lots and lots of laughter. we spent the night which was awesome, and by awesome i mean it would have been more awesome if our little girl was not the sickest she has ever been.
i stayed awake with her all night long.
okay, thats not totally true, but i really slept maybe 2 hours. & that sleep was so terrible that it would have probably felt more refreshing to stay awake. maggie screamed for at least 35 minutes non stop at 2 in the morning. honestly, at first i was so annoyed.
i was so frustrated that she was screaming.
i was so concerned that she would wake up our sweet friends.
or their 3 month old in the next room. {this mama knows how frustrating it is when your 3 month old gets woke up in the middle of the night...}
and then i just told my selfish little self to simply, "shut up."
what was i thinking?
my daughter was restless, and sick.
and i was thinking about myself & my own feelings.
& it hit me.
i am so selfish sometimes.
& mamahood is a selfless job.
and i need to grow up and take care of my little one.
so i stopped right there and prayed.
i prayed that the LORD would calm my sweet one's cough.
i prayed that the LORD would take away my frustration and replace it with compassion and love.
i prayed that the LORD would break my little girls fever.
i prayed that our friends and their little ones would not hear her screaming.
and i prayed that i would stop being angry at my husband who was sleeping.
and friends, Jesus answered those prayers.
not all of them.
but the bulk of them he answered.
my heart was so full of care and compassion for maggie in an instant. i wanted nothing more that to make her feel better. i wanted nothing more than to stop her pain. as i held her little body overcome by a fever i just wanted to take away all the icky that she felt. i wanted to just hold her and i didnt even care if i slept or not, all i cared about was getting her to feel better.
it was a moment i have been waiting for as a mama. that moment of feeling like you dont matter, but your child does. that moment where they 100% come before you and your needs - and not out of necessity but out of your hearts desire. and i praised him. i praised him all night long. i praised him when she would sleep for 15 straight minutes without waking to cough, & then i prayed for 15 more. i praised him when he broke that fever and she was finally able to rest a bit. i praised him when i just 100% stopped being angry at my husband because i was not getting what i wanted. and this morning, i heard from our friends that they didnt hear her screaming at all. which is a miracle from God because i know that they should have heard her.
something that i struggle with a lot is feeling like Jesus hears me when i pray. i really want to learn and understand more about prayer this year, and i think that it started off just right. i sought for the king, and he answered me. and it was the most beautiful start to this year.
and i caught a quick smile from her earlier today. thank you Jesus for such a sweet, sweet girl.
happy new years friends.
i am off to snuggle with my husband.
you started off just like 2011.
with a very sick baby.
but before i get to that - we had the best time at our friends house to celebrate new years eve. there was lots of yummy food, good company and some really intense games of pictionary. i discovered that even though i am really terrible at pictionary, i really, really love it. like, its probably my favorite game - mostly because its filled with lots and lots of laughter. we spent the night which was awesome, and by awesome i mean it would have been more awesome if our little girl was not the sickest she has ever been.
i stayed awake with her all night long.
okay, thats not totally true, but i really slept maybe 2 hours. & that sleep was so terrible that it would have probably felt more refreshing to stay awake. maggie screamed for at least 35 minutes non stop at 2 in the morning. honestly, at first i was so annoyed.
i was so frustrated that she was screaming.
i was so concerned that she would wake up our sweet friends.
or their 3 month old in the next room. {this mama knows how frustrating it is when your 3 month old gets woke up in the middle of the night...}
and then i just told my selfish little self to simply, "shut up."
what was i thinking?
my daughter was restless, and sick.
and i was thinking about myself & my own feelings.
& it hit me.
i am so selfish sometimes.
& mamahood is a selfless job.
and i need to grow up and take care of my little one.
so i stopped right there and prayed.
i prayed that the LORD would calm my sweet one's cough.
i prayed that the LORD would take away my frustration and replace it with compassion and love.
i prayed that the LORD would break my little girls fever.
i prayed that our friends and their little ones would not hear her screaming.
and i prayed that i would stop being angry at my husband who was sleeping.
and friends, Jesus answered those prayers.
not all of them.
but the bulk of them he answered.
my heart was so full of care and compassion for maggie in an instant. i wanted nothing more that to make her feel better. i wanted nothing more than to stop her pain. as i held her little body overcome by a fever i just wanted to take away all the icky that she felt. i wanted to just hold her and i didnt even care if i slept or not, all i cared about was getting her to feel better.
it was a moment i have been waiting for as a mama. that moment of feeling like you dont matter, but your child does. that moment where they 100% come before you and your needs - and not out of necessity but out of your hearts desire. and i praised him. i praised him all night long. i praised him when she would sleep for 15 straight minutes without waking to cough, & then i prayed for 15 more. i praised him when he broke that fever and she was finally able to rest a bit. i praised him when i just 100% stopped being angry at my husband because i was not getting what i wanted. and this morning, i heard from our friends that they didnt hear her screaming at all. which is a miracle from God because i know that they should have heard her.
something that i struggle with a lot is feeling like Jesus hears me when i pray. i really want to learn and understand more about prayer this year, and i think that it started off just right. i sought for the king, and he answered me. and it was the most beautiful start to this year.
and i caught a quick smile from her earlier today. thank you Jesus for such a sweet, sweet girl.
happy new years friends.
i am off to snuggle with my husband.
11.12.2011
a 3am wake up call
this morning we had a wake up call that we have not had in many months.
crying.
maggie woke up at 3am.
nick went in and comforted her and rocked her for nearly
twenty minutes.
she went back to sleep.
he came back in and then she woke up.
it was my turn.
i went in and picked her up & sang to her.
she stopped.
sometimes a girl just needs her mama.
i sat there and rocked her and she would not fall asleep.
we sat and looked out at the moon and i prayed for her.
i told her about how last year this weekend she changed my life.
as tears rolled down my cheeks onto her light brown curls i told her all about how much she changed my life, how i spent an entire day in labor with her not knowing that she would be this special to me.
and then the LORD reminded me of the verse that has been on my heart and in the front of my mind since november 12,2010.
i was reminded that when i was in labor, Christ gave me strength.
when i didnt know how we were going to take our baby home and not have any help, He gave me strength.
when my husband went back to work, He gave me strength.
when i had no idea how to nurse a baby, He gave me strength.
when i could no longer nurse that baby, and struggled with giving her a bottle, He gave me strength.
He gave me strength when i thought that i could never get out of the hole of depression i was in.
He gave me strength when we didnt sleep and He was giving me strength to rock maggie to sleep at 3am.
He would also give me strength to get through her first birthday.
strength to learn how to take care of a toddler, not an infant.
strength to get me through everyday i have with this little girl.
i have never been more thankful for a 3am rockfest with my little lady.
{i know what to put in my thankful jar today...}
crying.
maggie woke up at 3am.
nick went in and comforted her and rocked her for nearly
twenty minutes.
she went back to sleep.
he came back in and then she woke up.
it was my turn.
i went in and picked her up & sang to her.
she stopped.
sometimes a girl just needs her mama.
i sat there and rocked her and she would not fall asleep.
we sat and looked out at the moon and i prayed for her.
i told her about how last year this weekend she changed my life.
as tears rolled down my cheeks onto her light brown curls i told her all about how much she changed my life, how i spent an entire day in labor with her not knowing that she would be this special to me.
and then the LORD reminded me of the verse that has been on my heart and in the front of my mind since november 12,2010.
i was reminded that when i was in labor, Christ gave me strength.
when i didnt know how we were going to take our baby home and not have any help, He gave me strength.
when my husband went back to work, He gave me strength.
when i had no idea how to nurse a baby, He gave me strength.
when i could no longer nurse that baby, and struggled with giving her a bottle, He gave me strength.
He gave me strength when i thought that i could never get out of the hole of depression i was in.
He gave me strength when we didnt sleep and He was giving me strength to rock maggie to sleep at 3am.
He would also give me strength to get through her first birthday.
strength to learn how to take care of a toddler, not an infant.
strength to get me through everyday i have with this little girl.
i have never been more thankful for a 3am rockfest with my little lady.
{i know what to put in my thankful jar today...}
11.10.2011
sunshine
today there is sunshine.
a lot of beautiful sunshine.
last year on this exact day
i wrote this.
today, as i sit here and watch my daughter
read books,
watch her walk around and talk to me
{in a way that only she can}
i fell so blessed.
so blessed to have carried that girl in my belly for
nine whole months {plus 7 extra days}
so blessed that even though we have had the hardest year
of my whole life
we have felt God's grace poured out on our family.
so blessed to teach, love and nurture the sweetest little lady.
so blessed that her birth was not what i had planned, but that it
was just what God had planned.
so blessed that we get to be the parents to the happiest little girl.
today there is sunshine.
lots of beautiful sunshine.
and i see it as a sweet gift from the LORD.
a sweet reminder of last year and the week that i waited for
maggie, and all that i learned that week.
last year i wrote those words for my daughter who i had not met yet.
and this year i am re posting those words for my daughter who i have had the pleasure to spend every single day with for the past year, because these words are so true of who she is.
maggie is full of sunshine.
she is my sweet sunshine.
maggie is nick's sunshine.
but most importantly i know she belongs to
Jesus.
she is HIS sunshine.
10.14.2011
eleven months
oh sweet girl, just how did we get to eleven months?
i am completely in awe of how quickly this year has gone.
we are so excited to be so close to celebrating this first year of your life, but there is something so bittersweet about it.
this year as literally flown by.
you have grown so quickly from babyhood to toddlerhood.
this past month you have done some pretty big things for such a little lady!
your speaking skills have very much improved.
you can say, 'mama' and 'dada' and 'blah blah'
as well as 'ya ya' and the very popular, 'la la'.
you also know how to sing.
yep.
sing.
every time a song comes on or you hear music you raise your voice and do a sweet soft " la la la la laaaa"
a lot of the time you can copy what i sing.
you love music.
we find you turning all your toys into shakers or drums.
and you twinkle the keys on your little piano all the time.
you have a good taste in music too.
your favorites are band of horses, rosie thomas, death cab for cutie, iron and wine, and the occasional lady gaga, black eyed peas, and dare i say it: katy perry. {all thanks to your hunkle d}
another thing that you learned how to do this month is walk.
get. it. girl.
you started walking at 10 months old.
it was a sunday night and your daddy was taking off your sunday dress to put on your jammies. i guess he was not going quick enough because you walked your way right out of that dress.
it was our favorite moment. we all giggled and mama cried a little bit.
so my girl, i could go on talking about all your favorite toys,
about what you love to eat, or how many naps you take a day, but i am not going to. this month i want to tell you how you have changed my heart.
baby girl, from the moment i knew you were living inside of me i wanted you. i had desired to feel a love for you that was so strong that it hurt. a love that welled up in my heart and made me want to squish you and giggle with you all day long. this month that happened for me. i can not stand to be away from you. i love you. i love you so deeply that my heart aches when you are sleeping at night and i can not wait to wake up and start a new day with you.
i think about you constantly. even when i am weary. i get sad when i think of all the days that went by without me thinking about how special those days were. i want to tell every first time mama that i know how hard the first 6 months are. that it is sometimes so terrible and you feel like giving up, but to stop and enjoy that crying baby, or that baby that will only sleep in your arms. enjoy swaddling that newborn, because all to quickly they turn into toddlers and wiggle away when you are changing a diaper. maggie girl, i miss you as a baby. i miss your sweet sugar scented breath, i miss your curled up fisted hands. i miss snuggling you on my chest for hours of sleeping and i miss feeling you close to my body as you slept at night. but girly, i am looking forward to this new stage with a fierce passion. i am looking forward to exploring new things with you, to chasing you around the house & to celebrating your first birthday in just one month.
you really are our sunshine.
we love you miss pearl.
xo,
mama
9.14.2011
ten months.
um, dont you want to just squish that ball of cuteness?!
dearest maggiepie:
today you are 10 months old.
i can not believe how fast the past 10 months have gone. you are growing into a silly little pearl and i love every single second of it.
while you were 9 months old a lot {& i mean a lot} of things changed with you.
you had a really hard time sleeping. it consumed our lives. sleep became an idol. we worshiped it & we were angry for everytime that you wouldnt sleep when you were supposed to. we prayed and asked God for wisdom and he sent help in the form of our sweet, wonderful friends. j & l were so gracious to keep you over night for a few nights while daddy and i got some sleep {& you too!} you slept 12 hours each night for them, and every night since. i am so thankful for their help in breaking you of sleeping in a swaddle... and i know that you are thankful as well, because you now sleep 12 hours at night, and take 1-3 {sometimes mini} naps a day. its amazing. you are so much happier. you learned how to crawl this month and when you did the first person that you crawled to was your daddy. when we took you to the dr for your checkup you had the whole office in giggles with your sweet cheeks and you lovely smiles. {you are a flirt} at that wonderfully amazing appointment we found out that you, my sweet girl, are 18 pounds and so super close to 29 inches tall. you are perfect. your dr also said that we could give it another 3 months before re testing your hearing {since you are quiet as a church mouse} and he said that you could eat whatever you wanted. so, we left & that night you ate turkey and cheese like it was going out of style. in fact, you eat like all food is going out of style these days. you, are a foodie. you love it. so far you have not met a food you dont like. your favorites these days seem to be mangos, feta cheese {for reals}, yogurt, pumpkin, cheerios, and anything that mama and daddy are eating for dinner. you still wont drink out of a sippy cup and you do not like water. {we are working on it daily...} you love to hang out with mama and daddy and love it when daddy has the day off. you really love to go to target and kick your leggies with excitment as you gleefully ride in the cart. speaking of glee, you watched the whole first season with me while i was very sick & you loved it. {you love any kind of music...} & speaking of target, while we were there one saturday buying you clothes for fall daddy and i were walking around and suddenly he asked me what you were doing. i had no idea. we stopped & listened. you were 'talking'. my little lady, you finally made a noise! you were 'blah, blah, blah-ing' your way through target & i loved every single second of it. you say your 'blah, blahs' all the time and i encourage it. wanna know whats so cool about that? it means no hearing test in 3 months. yay maggie! {if i said that out loud you would clap your chubby little hands and then pull them up under your chin. so cute.}
maggie girl, you want to be everywhere all at once. you barely crawl, but almost walk. you do what we call the 'caveman' crawl. its hilarious. & you decided that you are big enough to stand on your own.whaaat?! you also make a squishy fish face and laugh constantly. you are such a sweet joy.
you have 2 teeth and are currently working on all 4 of your top teeth. thats right, there are 4 tiny while pearls on your little gum. & you are miserable. but still a joy.
i am learning so much from you. how to be joyful and thankful. how to let go of things like messy houses & mounds of laundry and dishes all because you want to snuggle or play. you play alot. you like to be interactive and are not at all independant. {just like your mama.} you have a best friend. his name is Dylan Parker... and you go weak in the knees every time you see him. he makes you laugh so hard {daddy gets a little jealous...} you also seem to think that petting a cat is the funniest thing in the entire world. every time i do it, you double over in hard core giggles.
you have no idea how you have changed my life little lady. & i can not wait to share it with you someday. i love having you around. honestly, i think that the age you are at now is my favorite so far. you are so much fun to be with, and you honestly make daddy and i laugh all the time.
we love you magaroohoo.
xo,
mama
ps: please dont grow up to quickly now, ok?!
8.31.2011
i cant catch a break today.
this day has gone like this:
6:50am - maggie wakes up, crying
6:55am- give maggie a bottle {the last of the formula} to try to fall back asleep
7:04am- maggie starts crying, go in to see whats wrong - she has figured out how to unscrew bottle and dumped whole thing in her bed
7:10am- found some formula in diaper bag. make another bottle. she doesnt fall back asleep, but lets me lay in bed to pray for 20 mins.
7:30am- get up and make pancakes while baby is whining in living room
7:30-7:40am - making pancakes, while listening to whiny baby and loading the dishwasher.
7:45am- feed maggie her first pancake. with a little bit of butter. keeps her busy and happy for 25 mins
8:10am- thew in load of laundry, remade formula soaked baby bed, getting ready for nap time.
8:20am- trying to get baby down for a nap. she decided screaming is more fun
8:45am- remember that i have some formula in my car, decide to look for my key to go get it and make the cranky baby a bottle.
9:00am - still looking for car key...baby still crying.
9:15am- remember that my husband used my car key yesterday. call his work and ask if he knows where car key is. he doesnt.
9:30am- found key under a pile of clothes in our bedroom, that must be clean. thank you Jesus.
9:33am- run outside and get formula out of car. come back in. make bottle, get baby to finally fall asleep on couch. spend time praying and laughing because Jesus wouldnt want this crazy morning to steal my joy. text a few friends, catch up on some blogs, spend more time in prayer, decide to go to target and trader joes as soon as little lady wakes up.
10:45am- got ready to go, dressed baby & while getting her toys put in bag realize i lost my keys. again.
10:45am-11:30am- frantically looking for keys. looking everywhere. baby screaming, this mama crying, calling my husband in tears, can not find keys anywhere. looked everywhere a thousand times.
11:30am- 12:30pm- lots of tears, yelling and crying out to Jesus for help because my baby wont stop crying, i cant find my car keys, i have things to do. i feel overwhelmed. lay on floor with crying baby and cried while praying to Jesus.
12:39pm- text from a sweet friend, who told me i should expect today to not go as planned, and to expect to be tired and expect to put all my expectations of what i wanted today to look like on hold.
12:40pm-2pm- sat on couch and at pasta and more pancakes with the little girl. she finally let me look in her mouth, i spot 2 teeth cutting. awesome.
2:15pm- baby girl asleep in her bed. i am struggling to find car keys, still.
2:25pm - realized that the keys are probably in my car. put a status about a locksmith on facebook & found out that a friend has AAA and is going to come later today to see if they can open the car and i can see if my keys are in there. {lets pray that they are..}
3:00pm- baby girl still sleeping, thankfully. i am writing this, and wishing i was able to take a nap.
3:22pm- maggie is awake, i am about to go get her. this day has been too long and too hard. cant wait for husband to get here in an hour & then i am hopefully going to run errands alone, and come back to a found car key. then we are going to a potluck with some people from church.
6:50am - maggie wakes up, crying
6:55am- give maggie a bottle {the last of the formula} to try to fall back asleep
7:04am- maggie starts crying, go in to see whats wrong - she has figured out how to unscrew bottle and dumped whole thing in her bed
7:10am- found some formula in diaper bag. make another bottle. she doesnt fall back asleep, but lets me lay in bed to pray for 20 mins.
7:30am- get up and make pancakes while baby is whining in living room
7:30-7:40am - making pancakes, while listening to whiny baby and loading the dishwasher.
7:45am- feed maggie her first pancake. with a little bit of butter. keeps her busy and happy for 25 mins
8:10am- thew in load of laundry, remade formula soaked baby bed, getting ready for nap time.
8:20am- trying to get baby down for a nap. she decided screaming is more fun
8:45am- remember that i have some formula in my car, decide to look for my key to go get it and make the cranky baby a bottle.
9:00am - still looking for car key...baby still crying.
9:15am- remember that my husband used my car key yesterday. call his work and ask if he knows where car key is. he doesnt.
9:30am- found key under a pile of clothes in our bedroom, that must be clean. thank you Jesus.
9:33am- run outside and get formula out of car. come back in. make bottle, get baby to finally fall asleep on couch. spend time praying and laughing because Jesus wouldnt want this crazy morning to steal my joy. text a few friends, catch up on some blogs, spend more time in prayer, decide to go to target and trader joes as soon as little lady wakes up.
10:45am- got ready to go, dressed baby & while getting her toys put in bag realize i lost my keys. again.
10:45am-11:30am- frantically looking for keys. looking everywhere. baby screaming, this mama crying, calling my husband in tears, can not find keys anywhere. looked everywhere a thousand times.
11:30am- 12:30pm- lots of tears, yelling and crying out to Jesus for help because my baby wont stop crying, i cant find my car keys, i have things to do. i feel overwhelmed. lay on floor with crying baby and cried while praying to Jesus.
12:39pm- text from a sweet friend, who told me i should expect today to not go as planned, and to expect to be tired and expect to put all my expectations of what i wanted today to look like on hold.
12:40pm-2pm- sat on couch and at pasta and more pancakes with the little girl. she finally let me look in her mouth, i spot 2 teeth cutting. awesome.
2:15pm- baby girl asleep in her bed. i am struggling to find car keys, still.
2:25pm - realized that the keys are probably in my car. put a status about a locksmith on facebook & found out that a friend has AAA and is going to come later today to see if they can open the car and i can see if my keys are in there. {lets pray that they are..}
3:00pm- baby girl still sleeping, thankfully. i am writing this, and wishing i was able to take a nap.
3:22pm- maggie is awake, i am about to go get her. this day has been too long and too hard. cant wait for husband to get here in an hour & then i am hopefully going to run errands alone, and come back to a found car key. then we are going to a potluck with some people from church.
3:23pm- just looked in monitor, baby girl fell back asleep. thank you Jesus. going to get off of this computer and spend time with the LORD, because i really need it.
8.16.2011
praise God from whom all blessings flow...
i have been so blessed this week in many different ways.
+ my baby girl has been sleeping through the night-- in her own bed!
+ yesterday i got to throw a shower for one of my best friends, who will be having her baby girl very, very SOON.
+ AND, this little blog is being featured on faith blogs as the blog of the week!! { so if you are visiting from faith blogs - welcome! please let me know that you are here!}
my heart feels really full.
i have been prayerfully considering what to write about on this blog for a few weeks. & honestly, i woke up 3 days ago ready to share something really raw & honest. and then with this little blog being featured on faithblogs, i thought i would chicken out. but the truth is, Jesus wants me to share this, & i am counting it a blessing that maybe more people will read this post because of the timing. either way, i am going to be obedient to the LORD and what he has placed on my heart to share.
are you ready? becuase this is the most honest i have been on this blog yet. {am i ready?!}
if we are friends in real life, or if you follow me on twitter or facebook, you will read that since being a mama i have struggled. things have been so much harder than i thought they would be. i have not talked about it because i have been to afraid of what those around me will think - or say. i have been to proud to share what i am walking in because i have a fear that people will treat me differently & that is the very last thing that i want. so this may come as a surprise, but it probably wont.
for the last 10 months i have been suffering from Post Partum Depression.
{just typing that out makes me so nervous.}
the past 10 months have been the hardest months of my life. i have desired to be a mama since i was a little girl. i waited with great anticipation for our little lady. i was happy, excited & couldn't stop daydreaming about holding my little baby, rocking a crying baby to sleep, playing with and dressing our girl, going places happily as a family of 3. when i was about 8 months pregnant, i became tired. i was so ready to meet this baby, so tired of being pregnant and huge during the fall in rainy, gloomy seattle, with nothing to wear {because nothing fit.} something happened in my heart that month. it became sad. i thought nothing of it because it seemed "normal" to feel 'blue' about all the things happening.
i remember the day my daughter was born. she was 7 days late. every day that i was overdue the doctors told me that she was not going to come anytime soon. i grew anxious and angry. i wanted my baby to be born. i wanted control. i was upset at everyone & i did not enjoy very much of that week. the day that maggie was born was the hardest, most tiring, most joy filled day of my life. i was in labor for well over 20 hours. after our little lady came into the world, i felt joy. i felt happiness. i felt love like i had never known. but there was something else that i felt. it was fear. not of what taking care of a baby would be like, but fear that i was not good enough. fear that i would fail. fear that i would suffer from depression & fear of what that meant. our baby girl was an amazing newborn. she barely cried. she slept, she ate, she was tiny and quiet. she was perfect. the first 2 months were great. i felt so busy that i never thought much about myself or how i was doing. when maggie turned 6 weeks old, i lost it. i was always sad. i was always angry. i was always upset. i was hardly happy. i felt very little joy about the blessing that the LORD had given us. i was tired of waking up in the middle of the night, because my depression caused me to just want to sleep. i was tired of feeling sluggish all the time, but to exhausted to do anything about it. i was way to proud to tell anyone how i was doing because i didnt want people to know i had piles of dirty clothes at my house, a sink FULL of dirty dishes a underfed { and under loved} husband, NO food in my house & that i just spent all day wanting to run away and hide from this new life. i wanted everyone to think i was perfect. but oh, was i struggling. i was so upset that i had not lost anymore baby weight, that my body was bigger now than it was while i was pregnant. i had nothing that fit, some maternity clothes even felt small. { i am still unsure of this reason, & still struggling with the way my post pregnant body looks. but i'll save that for another time.} i was angry at God for not giving me a skinny body, an organized home, a 'better' husband, a 'better' baby. i was sinning constantly and to tired to repent. i went to my doctor for my 6 week check up, filled out a survey about post partum depression & they never asked me a single thing about it. so i thought i certainly was not struggling with depression, i must just be 'messed up', tired or crazy.
after a few weeks we went to some friends house for dinner. it was there that my husband & one of our best couple friends sat me down and told me it was ok that i was sad, that no one would take my baby away from me and that i could get better. that the LORD would work in my life & bring me through this trial. i agreed to go and talk to a doctor. but i never made the appointment.
maggie was 3 months old by now & i was so upset and frantic all the time that i stopped producing milk. i could not nurse my baby enough to feed her. i was so angry about my body not 'working like it should'. i was constantly upset at my baby. i want to be very clear that i have never, ever hurt my baby. i struggled with finding joy in her. & in finding joy in the LORD. in fact, i basically just stopped reading and stopped praying. i was so deeply buried in my depression that seeking the LORD was the farthest thing from my mind. one day i was driving maggie to my parents house, and she was screaming nonstop in the car. screaming, screaming, screaming. i could not take it anymore. i screamed with her, tears flooded down my face, i drove faster & screamed the rest of the 2 minutes i had left in the car. i parked the car at my parents house, opened the door and ran inside. between sobs i told them she was screaming and i couldn't deal with it. i sat in a room far away from my baby and cried. i cried because i didnt want my parents to see me like this, because i didnt want my baby to cry, because i didnt want to be sad anymore, & because i was scared that if i told anyone how sad i was that they would take away my little girl. it was that day that i made a doctors appointment.
i went and started taking an anti depressant. i gave up nursing {another story for a different time} which as hard as it was, was probably the best thing i have done for my baby ever. and things got worse. i was better for a while, but then i hit this wall again. our baby was about 6 months old when i became the saddest. i couldn't find joy in her AT ALL. i hated being a mama. typing those words makes my heart feel gross. but its truth. i confided all these feelings to a 2 friends who encouraged me to seek Jesus, to seek counseling & committed to walking through this with me. it was the best day. i felt the LORD calling me back to him. i could see hope - i could see that there was light at the end of this really dark tunnel.
nick and i talked really deeply about what i was dealing with, discovered that not only had i been dealing with a deep depression, but i also had been under heavy spiritual oppression. i had been hearing lie after lie, and believing them - causing me to drift farther and farther away from the LORD. he prayed over me, i prayed for me & we started counseling at our church. we have been going for about 3 months now & i have been learning what the gospel really is and how is applies to what i am going through. we have been learning to pray against the enemy. & i have been growing so much closer to Jesus - trusting him more, taking my fears and anxiety to him, learning that this role of mamahood is not easy, but it is still a blessing. i have been gaining wisdom from those around me & sharing this struggle on this blog is scary, but it is just what Jesus wants me to do. to bring this darkness into light. friends, i am not 100% happy all the time. there are many times during the day that i struggle finding joy in being a mama, plenty of times i daydream about my life before our little girl. t struggle with anger when she cries, or when she doesnt do what i want. but God is good. he is sufficient. & he answers when i call out to him.
why am i putting this very deep, very personal struggle on this blog?
it is not because i want anyone to feel sorry for me, i am not doing it to gain attention. i am doing it because i want you all to know that there are struggling mama's everywhere. i want you all to know that Jesus is the great healer. i want you all to see Christ glorified in my life, i want to be honest and not keep anything locked inside of my heart that could speak to someone else. if you are reading this and you are a new mama and you are struggling with this, please do not be afraid. call out to Jesus, open up to a few close friends, because this is not what our LORD would have for you, and he can carry this heavy burden for you. i preach that to myself everyday. i want to know you, i want to pray for you. i want to hear your story, because sometimes it just feels good to get it all out.
i have been so blessed.
blessed by this blog.
blessed by my sweet community.
blessed by my husband.
blessed by my family.
and blessed beyond all measure by my savior.
i am looking forward to sharing this journey with you all.
i can not wait to have this blog, and my writing to be full of truth, and full of what a joy my daughter is. i truly believe that she is a blessing, and i am falling deeper in love with her every minute. {especially right now, as she giggles at herself eating mango and crackers... and has it all over her self, including her hair.} i am learning to laugh at these moments instead of be discouraged by them.
and if you are just visiting, please come back, i promise what i have to say is not always this heavy.
thank you for listening!
+ my baby girl has been sleeping through the night-- in her own bed!
+ yesterday i got to throw a shower for one of my best friends, who will be having her baby girl very, very SOON.
+ AND, this little blog is being featured on faith blogs as the blog of the week!! { so if you are visiting from faith blogs - welcome! please let me know that you are here!}
my heart feels really full.
i have been prayerfully considering what to write about on this blog for a few weeks. & honestly, i woke up 3 days ago ready to share something really raw & honest. and then with this little blog being featured on faithblogs, i thought i would chicken out. but the truth is, Jesus wants me to share this, & i am counting it a blessing that maybe more people will read this post because of the timing. either way, i am going to be obedient to the LORD and what he has placed on my heart to share.
are you ready? becuase this is the most honest i have been on this blog yet. {am i ready?!}
if we are friends in real life, or if you follow me on twitter or facebook, you will read that since being a mama i have struggled. things have been so much harder than i thought they would be. i have not talked about it because i have been to afraid of what those around me will think - or say. i have been to proud to share what i am walking in because i have a fear that people will treat me differently & that is the very last thing that i want. so this may come as a surprise, but it probably wont.
for the last 10 months i have been suffering from Post Partum Depression.
{just typing that out makes me so nervous.}
the past 10 months have been the hardest months of my life. i have desired to be a mama since i was a little girl. i waited with great anticipation for our little lady. i was happy, excited & couldn't stop daydreaming about holding my little baby, rocking a crying baby to sleep, playing with and dressing our girl, going places happily as a family of 3. when i was about 8 months pregnant, i became tired. i was so ready to meet this baby, so tired of being pregnant and huge during the fall in rainy, gloomy seattle, with nothing to wear {because nothing fit.} something happened in my heart that month. it became sad. i thought nothing of it because it seemed "normal" to feel 'blue' about all the things happening.
i remember the day my daughter was born. she was 7 days late. every day that i was overdue the doctors told me that she was not going to come anytime soon. i grew anxious and angry. i wanted my baby to be born. i wanted control. i was upset at everyone & i did not enjoy very much of that week. the day that maggie was born was the hardest, most tiring, most joy filled day of my life. i was in labor for well over 20 hours. after our little lady came into the world, i felt joy. i felt happiness. i felt love like i had never known. but there was something else that i felt. it was fear. not of what taking care of a baby would be like, but fear that i was not good enough. fear that i would fail. fear that i would suffer from depression & fear of what that meant. our baby girl was an amazing newborn. she barely cried. she slept, she ate, she was tiny and quiet. she was perfect. the first 2 months were great. i felt so busy that i never thought much about myself or how i was doing. when maggie turned 6 weeks old, i lost it. i was always sad. i was always angry. i was always upset. i was hardly happy. i felt very little joy about the blessing that the LORD had given us. i was tired of waking up in the middle of the night, because my depression caused me to just want to sleep. i was tired of feeling sluggish all the time, but to exhausted to do anything about it. i was way to proud to tell anyone how i was doing because i didnt want people to know i had piles of dirty clothes at my house, a sink FULL of dirty dishes a underfed { and under loved} husband, NO food in my house & that i just spent all day wanting to run away and hide from this new life. i wanted everyone to think i was perfect. but oh, was i struggling. i was so upset that i had not lost anymore baby weight, that my body was bigger now than it was while i was pregnant. i had nothing that fit, some maternity clothes even felt small. { i am still unsure of this reason, & still struggling with the way my post pregnant body looks. but i'll save that for another time.} i was angry at God for not giving me a skinny body, an organized home, a 'better' husband, a 'better' baby. i was sinning constantly and to tired to repent. i went to my doctor for my 6 week check up, filled out a survey about post partum depression & they never asked me a single thing about it. so i thought i certainly was not struggling with depression, i must just be 'messed up', tired or crazy.
after a few weeks we went to some friends house for dinner. it was there that my husband & one of our best couple friends sat me down and told me it was ok that i was sad, that no one would take my baby away from me and that i could get better. that the LORD would work in my life & bring me through this trial. i agreed to go and talk to a doctor. but i never made the appointment.
maggie was 3 months old by now & i was so upset and frantic all the time that i stopped producing milk. i could not nurse my baby enough to feed her. i was so angry about my body not 'working like it should'. i was constantly upset at my baby. i want to be very clear that i have never, ever hurt my baby. i struggled with finding joy in her. & in finding joy in the LORD. in fact, i basically just stopped reading and stopped praying. i was so deeply buried in my depression that seeking the LORD was the farthest thing from my mind. one day i was driving maggie to my parents house, and she was screaming nonstop in the car. screaming, screaming, screaming. i could not take it anymore. i screamed with her, tears flooded down my face, i drove faster & screamed the rest of the 2 minutes i had left in the car. i parked the car at my parents house, opened the door and ran inside. between sobs i told them she was screaming and i couldn't deal with it. i sat in a room far away from my baby and cried. i cried because i didnt want my parents to see me like this, because i didnt want my baby to cry, because i didnt want to be sad anymore, & because i was scared that if i told anyone how sad i was that they would take away my little girl. it was that day that i made a doctors appointment.
i went and started taking an anti depressant. i gave up nursing {another story for a different time} which as hard as it was, was probably the best thing i have done for my baby ever. and things got worse. i was better for a while, but then i hit this wall again. our baby was about 6 months old when i became the saddest. i couldn't find joy in her AT ALL. i hated being a mama. typing those words makes my heart feel gross. but its truth. i confided all these feelings to a 2 friends who encouraged me to seek Jesus, to seek counseling & committed to walking through this with me. it was the best day. i felt the LORD calling me back to him. i could see hope - i could see that there was light at the end of this really dark tunnel.
nick and i talked really deeply about what i was dealing with, discovered that not only had i been dealing with a deep depression, but i also had been under heavy spiritual oppression. i had been hearing lie after lie, and believing them - causing me to drift farther and farther away from the LORD. he prayed over me, i prayed for me & we started counseling at our church. we have been going for about 3 months now & i have been learning what the gospel really is and how is applies to what i am going through. we have been learning to pray against the enemy. & i have been growing so much closer to Jesus - trusting him more, taking my fears and anxiety to him, learning that this role of mamahood is not easy, but it is still a blessing. i have been gaining wisdom from those around me & sharing this struggle on this blog is scary, but it is just what Jesus wants me to do. to bring this darkness into light. friends, i am not 100% happy all the time. there are many times during the day that i struggle finding joy in being a mama, plenty of times i daydream about my life before our little girl. t struggle with anger when she cries, or when she doesnt do what i want. but God is good. he is sufficient. & he answers when i call out to him.
why am i putting this very deep, very personal struggle on this blog?
it is not because i want anyone to feel sorry for me, i am not doing it to gain attention. i am doing it because i want you all to know that there are struggling mama's everywhere. i want you all to know that Jesus is the great healer. i want you all to see Christ glorified in my life, i want to be honest and not keep anything locked inside of my heart that could speak to someone else. if you are reading this and you are a new mama and you are struggling with this, please do not be afraid. call out to Jesus, open up to a few close friends, because this is not what our LORD would have for you, and he can carry this heavy burden for you. i preach that to myself everyday. i want to know you, i want to pray for you. i want to hear your story, because sometimes it just feels good to get it all out.
i have been so blessed.
blessed by this blog.
blessed by my sweet community.
blessed by my husband.
blessed by my family.
and blessed beyond all measure by my savior.
i am looking forward to sharing this journey with you all.
i can not wait to have this blog, and my writing to be full of truth, and full of what a joy my daughter is. i truly believe that she is a blessing, and i am falling deeper in love with her every minute. {especially right now, as she giggles at herself eating mango and crackers... and has it all over her self, including her hair.} i am learning to laugh at these moments instead of be discouraged by them.
and if you are just visiting, please come back, i promise what i have to say is not always this heavy.
thank you for listening!
7.17.2011
eight months.
i am late {as usual} on the little one's birthday post.
i also have had pretty much no time to just sit and make
the cute photo for this post. but i want to write it before it
is too late,& before i forget anything.
miss maggie,
happy eight month birthday! you are growing so big every single day! while you were seven months old you did a lot of growing. you weighed 18 pounds & grew another inch, making you 27.75 inches tall. {i am pretty sure you are going to be taller than your mama...} you are still not crawling, but getting very, very close, but you prefer standing up & trying to walk anyways. we often wonder if you will skip the whole crawling thing. you eat lots of different foods, but your very favorite thing is oatmeal with any kind of fruit. you practically jump out of your skin when you get a taste of it. you started waking up more in the middle of the night & spent most of the month sleeping in mama & daddy's bed because it was just easier on all of us. we had no idea why you were sleeping so terrible. that is until one day at a picnic one of our friends spotted your very first tooth. we had no idea you were getting it & then after that, most of your 'odd' behavior made sense. {your tiny tooth is so cute! but i think i will miss that gummy toothless smile...} you also learned how to clap. which was probably one of my favorite days since being your mama. watching you learn this new trick made me fall so in love with you. & watching you use this new skill to show that you are happy is amazing. maggie girl, you are a little girl who is full of laughter. you laugh all the time {except when you scream & cry} you laugh during church, during prayer times, in the car, at your reflection, at your daddy & mostly anytime you like something. you bring joy to so many people with your laughter & i pray that this only grows more as you do. i pray that you will grow up to be an encourager. you are starting to really like certain people, & your favorite little friend is dylan parker, your face lights up everytime you see him { & so does his..}. we have loved watching you grow, little girl. it was this month that daddy looked at you while you were sleeping & said that he was a little bit sad that you are not a little baby anymore, but that you are turing into a little girl. i can not believe how big you are. & i cant imagine how big you will be next month when i write you this letter. we love you pearl girl. thank you for being my reminder to be joyful. you are such a gem.
love,
mama.
i also have had pretty much no time to just sit and make
the cute photo for this post. but i want to write it before it
is too late,& before i forget anything.
happy eight month birthday! you are growing so big every single day! while you were seven months old you did a lot of growing. you weighed 18 pounds & grew another inch, making you 27.75 inches tall. {i am pretty sure you are going to be taller than your mama...} you are still not crawling, but getting very, very close, but you prefer standing up & trying to walk anyways. we often wonder if you will skip the whole crawling thing. you eat lots of different foods, but your very favorite thing is oatmeal with any kind of fruit. you practically jump out of your skin when you get a taste of it. you started waking up more in the middle of the night & spent most of the month sleeping in mama & daddy's bed because it was just easier on all of us. we had no idea why you were sleeping so terrible. that is until one day at a picnic one of our friends spotted your very first tooth. we had no idea you were getting it & then after that, most of your 'odd' behavior made sense. {your tiny tooth is so cute! but i think i will miss that gummy toothless smile...} you also learned how to clap. which was probably one of my favorite days since being your mama. watching you learn this new trick made me fall so in love with you. & watching you use this new skill to show that you are happy is amazing. maggie girl, you are a little girl who is full of laughter. you laugh all the time {except when you scream & cry} you laugh during church, during prayer times, in the car, at your reflection, at your daddy & mostly anytime you like something. you bring joy to so many people with your laughter & i pray that this only grows more as you do. i pray that you will grow up to be an encourager. you are starting to really like certain people, & your favorite little friend is dylan parker, your face lights up everytime you see him { & so does his..}. we have loved watching you grow, little girl. it was this month that daddy looked at you while you were sleeping & said that he was a little bit sad that you are not a little baby anymore, but that you are turing into a little girl. i can not believe how big you are. & i cant imagine how big you will be next month when i write you this letter. we love you pearl girl. thank you for being my reminder to be joyful. you are such a gem.
love,
mama.
7.13.2011
a sweet photo.
i just thought after my last post, & before tomorrows post about my baby girl turning 8 months old, i would post this sweet photo. the LORD is good - & after praying for sleep, rest, peace & joy last night, i woke up feeling all those things {except not sleep... because she slept all. night. long. for the first time in 2 weeks...} & maggie was happy all day long. even when it is hard, this little face makes it all worth it.
7.05.2011
from my heart...
thursday night was one of the most incredible nights of my life. i had the privileged of witnessing the birth of my sweet, sweet friends baby girl.
i am pretty sure my heart stopped for a few moments.
i still can not get over the joy & the awe feeling that i have had since about 10pm that night.
being in the hospital brought back tons of memories. the sound of the heartbeats, the hum of the machines as they take your blood pressure,the long strips of paper that show every contraction.
i feel so blessed to be able to witness the birth of a sweet baby girl. i have been going through so much the past 8 months that i feel like i have only been able to see myself, & nothing more than that. seeing this birth, has birthed something new in my heart. to see the love, the pain, the joy, the satisfaction in my sweet friend & her husband, the intense need for her mama that this new baby girl has, it just made me feel like all the joy that had been missing in my heart was put back in an instant. i felt a love for my baby girl that i have never known & i couldnt wait to get home to her & feel her against my skin. i have been falling in love with my girl all over again, & i thank the LORD for all of this, because honestly, last week there were days that i wished i would have never become a mother. days that i was so frustrated with the flabby skin still lingering on my belly, or the screaming baby that doesnt know how to soothe herself to sleep, or just the fact that my husband & i can not just go & walk in the warm summer night air, because at 9pm our daughter goes into meltdown mode. but i realized that this gift that we have been given is so much more than just a baby girl. we have been entrusted by the LORD to raise this child to know & to love him. he picked us to be maggie's mama & daddy & it is a responsibility that is more of an honor. he saw us fit to be her parents, & for that i will be forever thankful.
i am just so in awe of how the LORD created us to be mamas.
how in just moments after that bundle is out of our belly & into our arms, he equips us in ways we never knew were possible.
i am thankful that Jesus has used this little ones life to teach me an invaluable lesson. to teach my heart to feel joy & to love deeper for my own daughter. i am so excited about this change in my heart, & so thankful for new life.
i have so much more to write about this, but my heart is not yet finished processing all that i have learned & all that i have gone through { & am still learning & going through..} as soon as i feel fit, i will be overjoyed to share with you all what i am learning. this has been {still is} a hard season, but now i can see that the first year in motherhood is not going to be easy for anyone, we are all learning. i am learning, my baby is learning, my husband is learning, those around us are learning too. i am just so thankful that i have hope in the LORD & that he sees so much further ahead than i do. & i find so much joy in knowing that he is already there, waiting to meet me.
i am pretty sure my heart stopped for a few moments.
i still can not get over the joy & the awe feeling that i have had since about 10pm that night.
being in the hospital brought back tons of memories. the sound of the heartbeats, the hum of the machines as they take your blood pressure,the long strips of paper that show every contraction.
i feel so blessed to be able to witness the birth of a sweet baby girl. i have been going through so much the past 8 months that i feel like i have only been able to see myself, & nothing more than that. seeing this birth, has birthed something new in my heart. to see the love, the pain, the joy, the satisfaction in my sweet friend & her husband, the intense need for her mama that this new baby girl has, it just made me feel like all the joy that had been missing in my heart was put back in an instant. i felt a love for my baby girl that i have never known & i couldnt wait to get home to her & feel her against my skin. i have been falling in love with my girl all over again, & i thank the LORD for all of this, because honestly, last week there were days that i wished i would have never become a mother. days that i was so frustrated with the flabby skin still lingering on my belly, or the screaming baby that doesnt know how to soothe herself to sleep, or just the fact that my husband & i can not just go & walk in the warm summer night air, because at 9pm our daughter goes into meltdown mode. but i realized that this gift that we have been given is so much more than just a baby girl. we have been entrusted by the LORD to raise this child to know & to love him. he picked us to be maggie's mama & daddy & it is a responsibility that is more of an honor. he saw us fit to be her parents, & for that i will be forever thankful.
i am just so in awe of how the LORD created us to be mamas.
how in just moments after that bundle is out of our belly & into our arms, he equips us in ways we never knew were possible.
i am thankful that Jesus has used this little ones life to teach me an invaluable lesson. to teach my heart to feel joy & to love deeper for my own daughter. i am so excited about this change in my heart, & so thankful for new life.
 |
| sunday mornings on the patio, with my lady = amazing. |
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