from my heart...

thursday night was one of the most incredible nights of my life. i had the privileged of witnessing the birth of my sweet, sweet friends baby girl. 
i am pretty sure my heart stopped for a few moments. 
i still can not get over the joy & the awe feeling that i have had since about 10pm that night.

being in the hospital brought back tons of memories. the sound of the heartbeats, the hum of the machines as they take your blood pressure,the long strips of paper that show every contraction. 

i feel so blessed to be able to witness the birth of a sweet baby girl. i have been going through so much the past 8 months that i feel like i have only been able to see myself, & nothing more than that. seeing this birth, has birthed something new in my heart. to see the love, the pain, the joy, the satisfaction in my sweet friend & her husband, the intense need for her mama that this new baby girl has, it just made me feel like all the joy that had been missing in my heart was put back in an instant. i felt a love for my baby girl that i have never known & i couldnt wait to get home to her & feel her against my skin. i have been falling in love with my girl all over again, & i thank the LORD for all of this, because honestly, last week there were days that i wished i would have never become a mother. days that i was so frustrated with the flabby skin still lingering on my belly, or the screaming baby that doesnt know how to soothe herself to sleep, or just the fact that my husband & i can not just go & walk in the warm summer night air, because at 9pm our daughter goes into meltdown mode. but i realized that this gift that we have been given is so much more than just a baby girl. we have been entrusted by the LORD to raise this child to know & to love him. he picked us to be maggie's mama & daddy & it is a responsibility that is more of an honor. he saw us fit to be her parents, & for that i will be forever thankful. 

i am just so in awe of how the LORD created us to be mamas.
how in just moments after that bundle is out of our belly & into our arms, he equips us in ways we never knew were possible. 
i am thankful that Jesus has used this little ones life to teach me an invaluable lesson. to teach my heart to feel joy & to love deeper for my own daughter. i am so excited about this change in my heart, & so thankful for new life. 

sunday mornings on the patio, with my lady = amazing.

i have so much more to write about this, but my heart is not yet finished processing all that i have learned & all that i have gone through { & am still learning & going through..} as soon as i feel fit, i will be overjoyed to share with you all what i am learning. this has been {still is} a hard season, but now i can see that the first year in motherhood is not going to be easy for anyone, we are all learning. i am learning, my baby is learning, my husband is learning, those around us are learning too. i am just so thankful that i have hope in the LORD & that he sees so much further ahead than i do. & i find so much joy in knowing that he is already there, waiting to meet me. 

 

the moment he became daddy.

 i remember the first moment i saw my sweet husband become a daddy.

it was not the day we saw the positive sign on the pregnancy test.

it was not the day that we found out that we were having a little lady.

it was not the day that i fell flat on my tummy & had to go to the emergency room.

it was not any day in between those either.

certainly he was an amazing father to be.

he was loving & caring & a little bit excited.

but {as i am sure i have said before}

my sweet husband does not really get all that excited until the real thing happens.

i had no doubts in my mind that nick would make an incredible father. if i did, i would not have become his bride.

nick had zero experience on what it meant to be a daddy.

he was not used to being around little ones.

the idea of becoming a daddy was pretty new to him, before he met Jesus he didnt think about having kids. ever. 

so, here i was just about 41 weeks pregnant. & tossing & turning in my bed. when suddenly the unveiling of what type of a daddy nick would be started to happen. he walked through 20+ hours of labor with me & each minute that ticked by another glorious piece of 'daddy' was revealed. 

do you remember the moment your husband became a daddy?

because i do. 

when i think about it, i want to sit down & have a good ugly cry.

because that moment, the moment i saw him change from a  'soon to be daddy' to a real life 'daddy' was one of those fall in love all over again moments. 

it was this moment that changed everything. 

  i will never forget looking into his eyes & seeing him cry at the sight of his baby girl.

i will never forget how that sent me over the edge & that was the only time in 20+ hours i let tears fall out of my eyes.

to know nick before margaret was born, is amazing, because you get to see the transformation so beautifully. nick is by far the most amazing, incredible, loving daddy that i could have ever imagined. he is a complete natural, & our lady baby loves him so intensly that i think she might explode at the sight of him, & honestly i think he might explode at the sight of her. these 2 love eachother with all that they can & its amazing to see. 

i am so thankful for so many things about nick.

thankful that:

- he woke up every 2 hours {or so} for 3 months while i nursed out daughter. 

- not only would he wake up, but he would pray with me & rub my back. 

- he understands that somedays all i do is sit in the same chair all day & hold our baby girl. {& he never complains about a messy house.}

- he takes maggie when i need to just relax & gets her calm & laughing again in no time.

- he puts her to sleep almost every single night. {thanks babe!}

the LORD has done something amazing in my husband, & i could not be more thankful, more blessed, or more excited about what he has done. 

nick,

hi. i know today did not go as planned.

like really not as planned.

i am sorry.

but thanks for loving it anyways.

for loving us, & taking such amazing care of your ladies.

we love you.

a latte.

{i promise that next date night we will go to Chinese or Thai or maybe even pho. just kidding. maybe.}

the photo blog i promised...

baby toes

laboring

1 + 1 = 3

mama

daddy

gma

grandma

6lbs 13oz  and 22 inches of baby goodness

margaret pearl

silly daddy

daddy loves his lady baby.

mama and her sunshine

gramps

happy mama

great gramma

our sweet sunshine

miss megan and siena joy

the knights

family

baby cry

love

sunshine in november. vol. 2

i am sitting here, snuggled in my apartment, sipping on some yummy cranberry cider. my sweet husband and daughter are napping. it is a beautiful thing. i have time to finish my story!

so.

they confirmed labor. i think that was around 11 in the morning. we were admitted and my amazing mama was with us as we went to our delivery room! i had to walk there, and i was in tons of pain - - the pain meds i had been taking had almost worn off by then. i couldn't believe that we were having our sweet little girl... that she was really coming! OH i forgot to mention one of the ways that Jesus is so awesome! the sweet amazing doctor that we talked to on the phone the night before, was the same doctor that would deliver miss maggie! Jesus was so gracious and kind to give me her, seeing as she calmed all my fears before. Anyways, they checked me a million times and poked me with needles. i waited to get my epidural, i wanted to see how long i could go without one. at around 1pm i decided that the body shaking pain was enough and had them give me the epidural. which i think means i made it nearly 7 hours without one. meanwhile my sweet, wonderful husband was by my side, reading me bible verses to calm me down and to help me meditate on what the Word said. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13 that was my labor verse. i could not have gone through labor without hearing and praying that verse.  

after i was dilated to a 5 for like 2 hours they finally gave me pitocin to help speed things up. and it totally did. they gave me the lowest amount they could for an hour and i had started dilating much more quickly. out in the waiting room we had our sweet friends, Justin and Heidi and their son, Dylan, our good friend Jon, and my family. i was visited by all of them, and also by my grandma and my aunt margaret, and my aunt lana. it was nice to see people considering we had been there for so so long. they broke my water and discovered that miss maggie had meconium in my amniotic fluid. which meant that the NICU nurses would be in our room to suck out her lungs as soon as she was born.  by about 8 they said that i was dialated to an 8 and so we called my sweet, lovely friend Kara who was taking photographs right after birth for us. she got there and i was at a 9. she read to me out of the bible, held my hand, and just encouraged me. the LORD had blessed me with all the right people there. it was awesome. 

 and then things got a little bit stressful. 

i started pushing at 10pm. 

yeah. got there at 6:30am and didnt start pushing until 10pm.

it was a long day. with no food, no water. just ice chips and an iv to stay hydrated.

i went into pushing really exhausted. 

after a small ammount of time, they started gettting worried about miss maggie. her heart rate showed that she was getting a little bit stressed. so the Doctor sat down and had a serious conversation with us about C- section. 

Nick and i prayed and prayed that the LORD would not let that happen. 

they had me wear an oxygen mask and try pushing, every other contraction. which is a really hard thing to do. 

things were getting closer. miss maggie was making her way out... and then our doctor, my sweet sent from the LORD doctor, suddenly had to go. 

she was called to do an emergency C-section. 

God is so, amazing, and good, because what he did next was just what i needed. 

i kept telling nick, "i cant do this anymore." "it is too hard, i am too tired" (its nearly 11pm, or later by this point) i kept talking about the ice cold sprite i was going to drink after... and dreaming of the food i was going to eat. i was getting so physically exhausted. 

the nurse (who happened to be a midwife as well) started helping me push. between her and Nick i made some really good progress. too good. because they started freaking out. they called in a midwife, who's name was amy. my nurse told us that she is much kinder than the doctor delivering our baby, and i said, "well then she must be an angel." and that she was. 

she was incredible. she helped me stay focused. she coached me so lovingly. it was like i had known her my whole life. i love her.  pretty soon i started feeling like i knew this baby was coming. i had to push. i couldn't stop. i was tired. i wasn't pushing well. as it was nearing midnight another doctor came into the room. before i knew it nurses were everywhere, people were talking quickly and i needed to get this baby out! the nurse came over to me and tried intoducing herself. i just told her, "i dont care who you are, just get this baby out of me!" and then amy, my sweeter gift from the LORD, tried to leave. i grabbed her arm and begged her to stay. she was keeping me focused. then, at 12:06 am on november 14 our sweet, beautiful, maggie pearl was born. i looked at my baby, i looked at my husband. and i felt this newness about us. i felt so many emotions. i fell in love with maggie, but before that i fell in love with nick all over again. i saw his face as he looked at his daugher and then at me. i saw his happy tears. and then mine poured from my eyes. our baby was here. that little girl that we prayed for, that we loved, that we read to, that we laughed and dreamt about. she was here. my sunshine came to me that morning. and my relationship with the LORD felt new. everything did. and it still does.

miss Margaret Pearl MacEwen was 6 pounds  13 ounces and 20 inches long. 

her eyes were as bright and big as her mama's, and her chin-- and exact replica of her daddy. 

she is beautiful. 

she is golden.

she is lovely.

she is our sunshine. 

maggie pearl.

** i will post a photo blog about all of this next!** 

xoxo- A

sunshine in november. vol.1

last week was a crazy week. it was full of sunshine. maybe not literal sunshine, but it was full of miss maggie! i have been so busy snuggling and loving on my sweet daughter that i have not had the chance to write. BUT i really want to get the whole birth story down before i forget. becuase right now, i forget alot of things. like paying for my groceries. (which is another story in itself...) 

So. 

on friday november 12, i went to the doctor. it was quite possibly the worst appointment i have ever been to. i was not treated very well, and no one gave me any information, except that i wasn't having a baby that day. or really anytime soon. i left feeling really upset and angry. but not about what you would think. i was not upset that my daughter was not coming, but i was upset about how i was treated. so my husband called the office and we were able to talk to a doctor who was amazing!! she was so sweet and so kind and gave us so much information. i was praising Jesus for this lady! since it was friday, it was our date night so we decided on pizza and a movie. while driving to the pizza place, we were talking and both said how even though that day was hard, we both felt joy. and joy is something we haven't really felt in a long time. like overflowing joy. it was awesome. and thats when it started. 

we got to the pizza place and it was closed. shut down. which was sad because it is the pizza place we went to on the day nick asked me to be his girlfriend. so i was a little sad about that and then it started. all of a sudden i felt really, really crampy. this went on the entire time that we were eating and watching a movie. it continued when we got home and i tossed and turned all night with these "weird annoying cramping pain" ( little did i know those were contractions) the whole night i barely slept and kept thinking about how i was going to go to some craft shows with my mama the next day. then around 4am nick woke up and asked if i was ok. i explained to him my cramping pain and he started timing them. at around 5:30 he suggested that we go to the hospital. and i said no. i didnt want to go and be sent home. i thought for sure that would happen.  i agreed when i got up to go to the bathroom and i could barely walk. we arrived at the hospital around 6:30 in the morning and they confirmed that i was indeed in labor.... 

to be continued, baby lips need kissing...