oh 2012.

oh 2012.
you started off just like 2011.
with a very sick baby. 

but before i get to that - we had the best time at our friends house to celebrate new years eve. there was lots of yummy food, good company and some really intense games of pictionary. i discovered that even though i am really terrible at pictionary, i really, really love it. like, its probably my favorite game - mostly because its filled with lots and lots of laughter.  we spent the night which was awesome, and by awesome i mean it would have been more awesome if our little girl was not the sickest she has ever been. 


i stayed awake with her all night long. 
okay, thats not totally true, but i really slept maybe 2 hours. & that sleep was so terrible that it would have probably felt more refreshing to stay awake. maggie screamed for at least 35 minutes non stop at 2 in the morning. honestly, at first i was so annoyed. 
i was so frustrated that she was screaming.
i was so concerned that she would wake up our sweet friends.
or their 3 month old in the next room. {this mama knows how frustrating it is when your 3 month old gets woke up in the middle of the night...} 
and then i just told my selfish little self to simply, "shut up."


what was i thinking?
my daughter was restless, and sick.
and i was thinking about myself & my own feelings.
& it hit me. 
i am so selfish sometimes.
& mamahood is a selfless job.
and i need to grow up and take care of my little one.

so i stopped right there and prayed. 
i prayed that the LORD would calm my sweet one's cough.
i prayed that the LORD would take away my frustration and replace it with compassion and love.
i prayed that the LORD would break my little girls fever.
i prayed that our friends and their little ones would not hear her screaming.
and i prayed that i would stop being angry at my husband who was sleeping. 


and friends, Jesus answered those prayers. 
not all of them.
but the bulk of them he answered.
my heart was so full of care and compassion for maggie in an instant. i wanted nothing more that to make her feel better. i wanted nothing more than to stop her pain. as i held her little body overcome by a fever i just wanted to take away all the icky that she felt. i wanted to just hold her and i didnt even care if i slept or not, all i cared about was getting her to feel better.
it was a moment i have been waiting for as a mama. that moment of feeling like you dont matter, but your child does. that moment where they 100% come before you and your needs - and not out of necessity but out of your hearts desire. and i praised him. i praised him all night long. i praised him when she would sleep for 15 straight minutes without waking to cough, & then i prayed for 15 more. i praised him when he broke that fever and she was finally able to rest a bit. i praised him when i just 100% stopped being angry at my husband because i was not getting what i wanted. and this morning, i heard from our friends that they didnt hear her screaming at all. which is a miracle from God because i know that they should have heard her. 


something that i struggle with a lot is feeling like Jesus hears me when i pray. i really want to learn and understand more about prayer this year, and i think that it started off just right. i sought for the king, and he answered me. and it was the most beautiful start to this year. 

and i caught a quick smile from her earlier today. thank you Jesus for such a sweet, sweet girl. 

happy new years friends. 
i am off to snuggle with my husband.