its time.

hosea 10:12 

"... for it is time to seek the Lord.."

the book of hosea paints a picture of Israel's unfaithfulness, which is fitting for me because i have lacked strong faithfulness to the Lord recently. i go through extreme ups and downs in my walk with God and i have a really hard time maintaining a good balance. i feel like i always need to either be on a spiritual high, or say nothing at all. and since i dont always feel like i am on a spiritual high, i tend to say nothing, or{if i am being honest and real} do nothing. i start to slack in my Bible reading, my prayers become more selfish, and i start to slowly sink into a quiet hole of "i have nothing valuable to offer, and i dont know Jesus well, and i am an embarrassment to him." which is not true. it is also not true that you always have to be on some kind of spiritual mountaintop to be close to the Lord. he meets you where you are, which for me is more often on a rocky rabbit trail than a crisp, clear mountaintop. 

nick encouraged me to start reading the daily devotionals that our church puts out, so this morning as i sat out on the patio with my coffee and a fresh page in my journal, i quietly asked Jesus to show me what he wanted me to learn.  the devotion that i picked was based out of hosea. as i read the verse, it felt like a ton of bricks just hit me in the face. "yes, yes Lord. it is time to seek you. time to seek your will, your face, your comfort, your love. you."

charles spurgeon writes that the month of april is said to derive from the latin verb "aperio" which signifies , "to open" because all the buds are opening and blossoming. which makes perfect sense to me. all around we see it happening in nature, things are growing, new growth, buds are blooming, beauty is sprouting up from nothing - we want to mimic nature and we all try to start over, to clean up, to emerge from the tight cocoon we have lived in all winter. but even deeper than that, for me, is opening up and seeking the Lord. all day. every day. not just when i am feeling it spiritually, but pulling apart the pages of my Bible early every morning, or late every afternoon even when i dont feel like i have anything to offer, even when i just feel like facebook is more interesting and important at that moment. getting in his word, seeking him - looking for him, learning from him. 

i am certain that i didnt read this devotion by chance this morning. certain that it was not by chance that i woke up feeling rested at 6am, took time to shower, and sit outside in the cool quiet morning air {instead of catch up on blogs, facebook, pinterest etc...} and read about how it is time to seek the Lord. no, it was just the pure work of the Holy Spirit in my life, directing me towards what God is asking me, all of us really, to do. and you better believe that i am going to obey. 

i doubt it is going to be easy. i doubt that i will stay on track, but i have got to stop wasting so much time and start seeking the Lord - because in the end, its all about Jesus and that is all that really matters.

how are you seeking the Lord today? will you join me in seeking him?

 

180

if you have not seen this already, please take the 30 minutes to watch. and if you have seen this, please pass it on. 

psalm 32

this morning i woke up, turned on my coffee pot & threw some trader joes blueberry scones in the oven {they are soo good.} 
my maggie girl was still sleeping so i settled down on the couch and turned on the today show. & i was hit by this huge wave of conviction. "ally, you have time to yourself, spend it with me." so i listened. and i was blessed. 

nick and i have been camping out in the book of psalms for the past 2 weeks. we have been walking with Jesus through a really hard transition {which i will be talking about SOON.} and we have been finding great joy and comfort in the words of Gods spoken through David. i really love psalm 30. i really, really love it. it talks about how joy comes in the morning. i mean, who doesnt love that? but i didnt feel like that is what Jesus wanted me to read today. so i turned the page and came across psalm 32. in an instant i underlined pretty much the whole thing. but this is the part that really stuck with me - as we have been talking about Jesus being our hiding place, about having the Lord use this time to teach us. this was just what i needed. 

i just feel so much peace when i read those words. He is my hiding place. He delivers us. but more importantly, He will instruct me and teach me in the way that i should go. YES, YES, YES LORD. INSTRUCT ME. TEACH ME. SHOW ME THE WAY TO GO.
i want to shout that at the top of my lungs. i feel so much joy in those words. those promises that the Jesus will tell me and teach me and show me where we are going next, what we are doing, and what he wants for my life. those words are so loving, the rush over me like a cool wind on a hot day, 'i will counsel you with my eye upon you'- i feel so much love from my father in heaven with those words. it is as if i seriously could burst open at the tenderness of those words. God is going to counsel me, with his eye watching out for me. i have never trusted him more than i do reading those words.  

more lessons in mamahood

it is no secret that mamahood is hard. 
it is no secret that sometimes you want to give up.
if you disagree with me, then i think you are either totally awesome, or totally fooling yourself. 

mamahood is not easy. 
especially being the mama of my 14 month old. 
oh i love maggie something fierce and she brings joy and sunshine 
into my life all the time.
but we are in a very difficult stage.
always, whining.
always, crying.
always, frustrated.
always, trying to communicate.
always, wanting to be with mama.
always, wanting our own way. 

& i know that this is going to be a short time. 
i know from experience that someday really soon, i'll
look back and miss this. {although thats SO hard to see now.}
but i know i will.
because as crazy at it sounds, i sort of miss the sleepless nights.
the constant bouncing to get her to calm down {my sweet friends still tease me about this crazy bounce routine! i love it. }
the baby wearing, so she would fall asleep.
the sweet smell of baby breath {because now, it smells like human breath.}
i miss it all.

last night i was trying to get ready to go out to dinner with one of my best friends. i was so excited to get out of the house, to wear lipstick, to put on makeup and curl my hair. i was ready for ME time.

i put on an episode of 'yo gabba gabb' to entertain mags as i got ready. she didnt even care about the catchy music or about what her favorite character, muno was doing in gabbaland - all she wanted was mama.  

i became annoyed. 
and then instantly prayed to ask Jesus to help me love my daughter even when i wanted to be alone. and he gave me the desire to not waste this chance at bonding with my daughter. to not waste this time to let her explore. 

so, i happily picked up my snot nosed, whiny toddler and plopped her right down into the sink.  she giggled with delight. pure, delight that she was sitting in the sink, able to see herself in the mirror and right next to mama. i smiled and then watched her start to grab my make up brushes and make up. & just when i was about to say {for the 900th time that hour} "no no", i watched my little lady use my hairbrush to comb her own hair. and my heart melted into a slushy puddle. i just felt so excited for her to explore and try all the things that mama does. i didnt tell her no at all. i let her pick up anything that was not dangerous and let her 'try' it out. i silently stood there, in awe of my little girl and how big she has become, wasnt it just yesterday that i was bringing her home from the hospital? i took these sweet photos and decided to lock this memory away in my heart and my mind as one of my favorite of my maggie pearl. 

as i was writing this blog post, i was just feeling to overwhelmed by mamahood and how hard it was. i was thinking to myself, "ally, & you want at least 2 more babies? what are you thinking? you can not handle it." which is a flat out lie. because i can handle anything that Jesus gives to me. i jumped over to facebook and saw that my sweet friend, kara, had shared this beautiful blog post that i quickly read with tears spilling out of my eyes and burdens being lifted off of my heart. if you have to time to read it, i think it is well worth it. 
you can read the post here. 


happy saturday, friends. 

hurricane

i have wrote about this a hundred times on this little blog. i am sorry if you are tired of hearing about it. 

last week i was talking to my husband about the last year and a half of our life. i felt like the only way that i could explain how i felt was like this. 

i feel like i have been through a hurricane. 

before i got pregnant, my life was on the best path ever. 
i had flourishing friendships, a deeper relationship with the Lord, a handle on my emotions, we were serving, leading and active in ministry and what the Lord had called us to do.

then we got hit. 
a hurricane came.
life got hard.
i chose to not hold on to my anchor.
i let that hurricane whip me around.
i let it bruise me and break me.
i let it take over me.
i let it shake me to my core.


now. i am not in any way blaming my pregnancy for this hurricane. i believe that sometimes, we go through stormy seasons. i, however did not handle the storm well. as i said, i let go of my anchor. i didnt see this storm as something that the Lord was using to sanctify me. i saw it as a huge, giant, painful event. i did not recognize that all suffering is real, and that it is not pointless. i had somehow forgotten that Jesus suffered greatly, and that he could be my greatest comforter, and when a faithful pastor spoke that truth to me, it changed my life. 

what comes with a hurricane? 
well, after the whiping around, after the fear of what is next, after the hurt, comes destruction.


friends, i look around my life and i see devestation in so many places. 
i see negelcted friendships,
broken relationships.
i see pieces of the last year just strewn about, nothing is really left standing.
except my faith.
and it is stronger than ever.
but i am seeing all the tattered pieces of my life that i need to pick back up, that i need to put back together, fires that i need to put out, things i need to rebuild - - and the task looks overwhelming. 


but the truth is, that it is not overwhelming if i just take it all to Jesus. ask him to help me rebuild what the hurricane of this last year has destroyed. it means a lot of hard conversations with friends that are very dear to me, a lot of apologies and reconciliation. it means humbly admitting that even in the midst of my hurt and pain, i was still a sinner. that those hard moments of my life did not make me exempt from that. i need to be thankful and stop complaining. there is no way i can rebuild anything with a heart of un-thankfulness. { i can honestly say that the LORD has been working on this part of my life in BIG ways!} 


so even though this last year has been a wreck, it has been the most beautiful wreck i have ever seen.
the grace that has been poured out, the love, the mercy and the comfort that has been poured out on me and my family by Jesus is astounding. He really is the best - and i really dont deserve it. 
i am really looking forward to sitting here a year from now, and sharing with you how he turned this mess into something breathtakingly beautiful... Turing this trial away from me and making it all about his glory. 


Jesus is good friends. so, so good. 

praise God from whom all blessings flow...

i have been so blessed this week in many different ways. 

+ my baby girl has been sleeping through the night-- in her own bed!

+ yesterday i got to throw a shower for one of my best friends, who will be having her baby girl very, very SOON.


+ AND, this little blog is being featured on faith blogs as the blog of the week!! { so if you are visiting from faith blogs - welcome! please let me know that you are here!} 


my heart feels really full. 


i have been prayerfully considering what to write about on this blog for a few weeks. & honestly, i woke up 3 days ago ready to share something really raw & honest. and then with this little blog being featured on faithblogs, i thought i would chicken out. but the truth is, Jesus wants me to share this, & i am counting it a blessing that maybe more people will read this post because of the timing. either way, i am going to be obedient to the LORD and what he has placed on my heart to share. 


are you ready? becuase this is the most honest i have been on this blog yet. {am i ready?!} 


if we are friends in real life, or if you follow me on twitter or facebook, you will read that since being a mama i have struggled. things have been so much harder than i thought they would be. i have not talked about it because i have been to afraid of what those around me will think - or say. i have been to proud to share what i am walking in because i have a fear that people will treat me differently & that is the very last thing that i want. so this may come as a surprise, but it probably wont. 


for the last 10 months i have been suffering from Post Partum Depression. 
{just typing that out makes me so nervous.}


the past 10 months have been the hardest months of my life. i have desired to be a mama since i was a little girl. i waited with great anticipation for our little lady. i was happy, excited & couldn't stop daydreaming about holding my little baby, rocking a crying baby to sleep, playing with and dressing our girl, going places happily as a family of 3. when i was about 8 months pregnant, i became tired. i was so ready to meet this baby, so tired of being pregnant and huge during the fall in rainy, gloomy seattle, with nothing to wear {because nothing fit.} something happened in my heart that month. it became sad. i thought nothing of it because it seemed "normal" to feel 'blue' about all the things happening. 


i remember the day my daughter was born. she was 7 days late. every day that i was overdue the doctors told me that she was not going to come anytime soon. i grew anxious and angry. i wanted my baby to be born. i wanted control. i was upset at everyone & i did not enjoy very much of that week. the day that maggie was born was the hardest, most tiring, most joy filled day of my life. i was in labor for well over 20 hours. after our little lady came into the world, i felt joy. i felt happiness. i felt love like i had never known. but there was something else that i felt. it was fear. not of what taking care of a baby would be like, but fear that i was not good enough. fear that i would fail. fear that i would suffer from depression & fear of what that meant. our baby girl was an amazing newborn. she barely cried. she slept, she ate, she was tiny and quiet. she was perfect. the first 2 months were great. i felt so busy that i never thought much about myself or how i was doing. when maggie turned 6 weeks old, i lost it. i was always sad. i was always angry. i was always upset. i was hardly happy. i felt very little joy about the blessing that the LORD had given us. i was tired of waking up in the middle of the night, because my depression caused me to just want to sleep. i was tired of feeling sluggish all the time, but to exhausted to do anything about it. i was way to proud to tell anyone how i was doing because i didnt want people to know i had piles of dirty clothes at my house, a sink FULL of dirty dishes a underfed { and under loved} husband, NO food in my house & that i just spent all day wanting to run away and hide from this new life. i wanted everyone to think i was perfect. but oh, was i struggling. i was so upset that i had not lost anymore baby weight, that my body was bigger now than it was while i was pregnant. i had nothing that fit, some maternity clothes even felt small. { i am still unsure of this reason, & still struggling with the way my post pregnant body looks. but i'll save that for another time.} i was angry at God for not giving me a skinny body, an organized home, a 'better' husband, a 'better' baby. i was sinning constantly and to tired to repent. i went to my doctor for my 6 week check up, filled out a survey about post partum depression & they never asked me a single thing about it. so i thought i certainly was not struggling with depression, i must just be 'messed up', tired or crazy. 


after a few weeks we went to some friends house for dinner. it was there that my husband & one of our best couple friends sat me down and told me it was ok that i was sad, that no one would take my baby away from me and that i could get better. that the LORD would work in my life & bring me through this trial. i agreed to go and talk to a doctor. but i never made the appointment.




maggie was 3 months old by now & i was so upset and frantic all the time that i stopped producing milk. i could not nurse my baby enough to feed her. i was so angry about my body not 'working like it should'. i was constantly upset at my baby. i want to be  very clear that i have never, ever hurt my baby.   i struggled with finding joy in her. & in finding joy in the LORD. in fact, i basically just stopped reading and stopped praying. i was so deeply buried in my depression that seeking the LORD was the farthest thing from my mind. one day i was driving maggie to my parents house, and she was screaming nonstop in the car. screaming, screaming, screaming. i could not take it anymore. i screamed with her, tears flooded down my face, i drove faster & screamed the rest of the 2 minutes i had left in the car. i parked the car at my parents house, opened the door and ran inside. between sobs i told them she was screaming and i couldn't deal with it. i sat in a room far away from my baby and cried. i cried because i didnt want my parents to see me like this, because i didnt want my baby to cry, because i didnt want to be sad anymore, & because i was scared that if i told anyone how sad i was that they would take away my little girl. it was that day that i made a doctors appointment. 



i went and started taking an anti depressant. i gave up nursing {another story for a different time} which as hard as it was, was probably the best thing i have done for my baby ever. and things got worse. i was better for a while, but then i hit this wall again. our baby was about 6 months old when i became the saddest. i couldn't find joy in her AT ALL. i hated being a mama. typing those words makes my heart feel gross. but its truth. i confided all these feelings to a 2 friends who encouraged me to seek Jesus, to seek counseling & committed to walking through this with me. it was the best day. i felt the LORD calling me back to him. i could see hope - i could see that there was light at the end of this really dark tunnel. 


nick and i talked really deeply about what i was dealing with, discovered that not only had i been dealing with a deep depression, but i also had been under heavy spiritual oppression. i had been hearing lie after lie, and believing them - causing me to drift farther and farther away from the LORD. he prayed over me, i prayed for me & we started counseling at our church. we have been going for about 3 months now & i have been learning what the gospel really is and how is applies to what i am going through. we have been learning to pray against the enemy. & i have been growing so much closer to Jesus - trusting him more, taking my fears and anxiety to him, learning that this role of mamahood is not easy, but it is still a blessing. i have been gaining wisdom from those around me & sharing this struggle on this blog is scary, but it is just what Jesus wants me to do. to bring this darkness into light. friends, i am not 100% happy all the time. there are many times during the day that i struggle finding joy in being a mama, plenty of times i daydream about my life before our little girl. t struggle with anger when she cries, or when she doesnt do what i want. but God is good. he is sufficient. & he answers when i call out to him.



why am i putting this very deep, very personal struggle on this blog? 
it is not because i want anyone to feel sorry for me, i am not doing it to gain attention. i am doing it because i want you all to know that there are struggling mama's everywhere. i want you all to know that Jesus is the great healer. i want you all to see Christ glorified in my life, i want to be honest and not keep anything locked inside of my heart that could speak to someone else. if you are reading this and you are a new mama and you are struggling with this, please do not be afraid. call out to Jesus, open up to a few close friends, because this is not what our LORD would have for you, and he can carry this heavy burden for you. i preach that to myself everyday. i want to know you, i want to pray for you. i want to hear your story, because sometimes it just feels good to get it all out. 


i have been so blessed. 
blessed by this blog.
blessed by my sweet community.
blessed by my husband.
blessed by my family.
and blessed beyond all measure by my savior. 




i am looking forward to sharing this journey with you all.
i can not wait to have this blog, and my writing to be full of truth, and full of what a joy my daughter is. i truly believe that she is a blessing, and i am falling deeper in love with her every minute. {especially right now, as she giggles at herself eating mango and crackers... and has it all over her self, including her hair.} i am learning to laugh at these moments instead of be discouraged by them. 


and if you are just visiting, please come back, i promise what i have to say is not always this heavy. 
 thank you for listening!

 

a slimy green rock.

i am pretty sure that there were a few of you praying for me over the weekend, because i felt it. oh sure, i was worried about a million things & my heart was heavy with the burden that is my body & my identity this weekend, but i was able to push the thoughts away & give them to the LORD each time. {which is a huge step..} 


i think i posted before that the theme for the retreat this weekend was biblical womanhood. to be perfectly honest, i was more affected by a completely different conversation than what our wonderful speaker {& pastors wife} taught on. i think that once i re read all that she taught on it will spark some wonderful things in my heart, but i really think that the reason that the LORD had me go to the retreat was to learn about a slimy green rock. 


during our second teaching session we learned about being a grace filled helpmate. it was an amazing time of reflecting on marriage & what it means to be a helpmate. after the session was over we were asked to split into groups & discuss what we learned. there were a few questions to answer & somehow we got a little off track. i honestly can not remember how we got to this place, but a wonderful older lady spoke some of the most incredible truth. so, i have struggled a lot in my life feeling like i have value. value to this world, value to my family, value to my friends, value to my husband, value to Jesus & the list goes on. i struggle deeply with the thought that i am not worth a single thing. oh, i know that Christ died for me, & that should mean that i am worth at least something, but for some reason i have yet to really, deeply feel that in my heart. so, this lovely women said something & it gave me a word picture that i will never forget. she started talking about how we are of great value to the LORD. she said to imagine our child. to imagine our sweet child going outside & picking up a slimy green nasty rock & bringing that rock to you as a gift - a treasure. she asked what we would do with that disgusting rock - she said that as a mother we would be overjoyed by the sweet gift that our child brought us. we would take that gross gift & treat it like it was an absolute thing to be cherished. we would put it on the window sill for all to look at, we would place such value on the rock. not because it is awesome, or beautiful, but because it was a gift from our child & we would love it no matter how slimy it was. then she said, "ladies, that is how the LORD sees you." & my heart froze. it hit me. finally. she went on to tell us that the LORD sees us as a slimy green rock that was brought to him through his son, he cherishes us because he loves us, not because of our physical beauty of lack of - but because even though we are slimy & nasty he sees us as something to be valued, loved, & treasured. i have been thinking & meditating on that for the past few days. seeing myself sitting on God's window sill & that he loves me even though i have a muffin top, even though i still look 4 months pregnant, even though i have a temper, even though i have bitterness in my heart, even though i dont always submit or respect my husband like i should, even though i am not disciplined enough in his word, he sees beyond the slimy green stuff on my body & in my heart to the true beauty that is deeper than i even know or understand. i feel so blessed to have learned that this weekend. i feel so blessed to have been in a group with this amazing lady. 


what is a truth that you have been learning lately?