its time.

hosea 10:12 

"... for it is time to seek the Lord.."

the book of hosea paints a picture of Israel's unfaithfulness, which is fitting for me because i have lacked strong faithfulness to the Lord recently. i go through extreme ups and downs in my walk with God and i have a really hard time maintaining a good balance. i feel like i always need to either be on a spiritual high, or say nothing at all. and since i dont always feel like i am on a spiritual high, i tend to say nothing, or{if i am being honest and real} do nothing. i start to slack in my Bible reading, my prayers become more selfish, and i start to slowly sink into a quiet hole of "i have nothing valuable to offer, and i dont know Jesus well, and i am an embarrassment to him." which is not true. it is also not true that you always have to be on some kind of spiritual mountaintop to be close to the Lord. he meets you where you are, which for me is more often on a rocky rabbit trail than a crisp, clear mountaintop. 

nick encouraged me to start reading the daily devotionals that our church puts out, so this morning as i sat out on the patio with my coffee and a fresh page in my journal, i quietly asked Jesus to show me what he wanted me to learn.  the devotion that i picked was based out of hosea. as i read the verse, it felt like a ton of bricks just hit me in the face. "yes, yes Lord. it is time to seek you. time to seek your will, your face, your comfort, your love. you."

charles spurgeon writes that the month of april is said to derive from the latin verb "aperio" which signifies , "to open" because all the buds are opening and blossoming. which makes perfect sense to me. all around we see it happening in nature, things are growing, new growth, buds are blooming, beauty is sprouting up from nothing - we want to mimic nature and we all try to start over, to clean up, to emerge from the tight cocoon we have lived in all winter. but even deeper than that, for me, is opening up and seeking the Lord. all day. every day. not just when i am feeling it spiritually, but pulling apart the pages of my Bible early every morning, or late every afternoon even when i dont feel like i have anything to offer, even when i just feel like facebook is more interesting and important at that moment. getting in his word, seeking him - looking for him, learning from him. 

i am certain that i didnt read this devotion by chance this morning. certain that it was not by chance that i woke up feeling rested at 6am, took time to shower, and sit outside in the cool quiet morning air {instead of catch up on blogs, facebook, pinterest etc...} and read about how it is time to seek the Lord. no, it was just the pure work of the Holy Spirit in my life, directing me towards what God is asking me, all of us really, to do. and you better believe that i am going to obey. 

i doubt it is going to be easy. i doubt that i will stay on track, but i have got to stop wasting so much time and start seeking the Lord - because in the end, its all about Jesus and that is all that really matters.

how are you seeking the Lord today? will you join me in seeking him?

 

on why i hate womens ministry, but shouldnt. { & what Jesus is doing to change that.}

i have always wanted lots of lady friends.
but i have learned that i dont really do well with that.
{i am kind of awkward when i am around lots of ladies. i start to talk too much and tend to over share... i am that girl.} 
so, i gave up on that dream in high school. and i actually love that i am a 'small handful of friends' kind of lady. 

i have also always wanted to belong to a women's ministry at church. i thought it sounded fun & exciting and a great place to go and meet other ladies, other mamas and grow in the Lord together. but, in 2010 our church had a women's retreat. and my husband encouraged me to go - and i really had to have him talk me into it. i was scared because i had never been before - and i did not grow up with sisters or super close girlfriends so staying in a cabin with a bunch of ladies for a weekend was uncharted territory. but my sweet husband lovingly told me that he was not going to let anything get in the way {including moving into our apartment} of me going to this retreat. so, i drug my feet and my heart to a cabin in the woods, and had the best time of my life. it was so fun. it was so filled with Jesus, it was so good for my soul. being around ladies who were honest and transparent - it really spurred my heart on to be like that & by Gods grace, i feel like i have. then, i found out i was pregnant, i had that sweet little baby and just like my pants, i didnt feel 'right' anymore. i felt uncomfortable and awkward. i felt like a 17 year old struggling to make conversation with her moms friends. and when our church had another retreat in spring of 2011, i WAS NOT GOING TO GO. There was no way i was going to go sleep in a cabin in the woods - share a bathroom & have no place to hide my awkward heart and my awkward body. i felt like i didnt fit. i no longer had a baby in my tummy, even though it still looked like i did - and i couldnt sit in the bathroom listening to the "woosh- woosh" of a breast pump with all the other mama's that i knew. i was in the deepest, darkest pit of my depression and i was bleeding that darkness out of every pore and i thought i could pretend that i was ok. but i was not ok. i was struggling. i was afraid and i was terrified. {i wrote about it here.}and i had anxiety the whole way there. i dont even think i laughed or smiled. i wanted to die. i hated it. but i learned a lot. a lot about my worth and identity in Christ. it was just what i needed to hear. { you can read all about that here.} 


Jesus has always, and i mean always come through. he has taken my anxious, terrified, insecure heart and taught me just what i needed during those times. so why should i doubt him?


OH, but i DO. 
So, back to the story. 
Mars Hill Church launched their women's ministry today at our location. i have known about it for weeks. i signed up 3 days ago. and only because my sweet friend told me i had too. its not that i didnt want to go, {and i made lots of excuses not too} its that i dont like women's ministry. i dont like it because its uncomfortable and because its good for me. i woke up this morning and stressed over my outfit and my hair. and i stressed about missing nap time, and i stressed about what people would think of me, and i stressed about what i would say. and i didnt even think to stop and ask Jesus what he wanted me to do. i just got caught up in my 'im going to a women's event' routine. as i walked in to the church, i felt a little confidence knowing i was going to be at the same table as my friend. {i thought for sure i could choose where to sit.} but when they wrote the number 10 on my name tag and not 10 on hers my stomach hit the floor. my blood started pumping, i became flustered and insecure and scared. i was dying inside. i dropped my little girl off at childcare and talked myself into sitting down at table number 10. i sat there and no one else was at my table. i looked around at happy and comfortable women chatting away with each other. i felt dumb, i felt little and i felt like a child playing house - like i didnt belong. i hated it. i texted my husband, " please pray for me, because this is really hard. i hate it right now." and he responded with, " i am praying". we sang, and listened to some announcements and i sat with my arms crossed tightly over my chest {something i do when i am insecure.} and as the speaker kept talking i could hardly hear what she was saying, because hot anxiety was pulsating through my body. but then she said this,  
"sanctification is much like the process of making a house a home" and it hit me. i was being sanctified- right there in that moment Jesus was sanctifying me. she spoke about the gospel and asked us to talk to each other about what the gospel looked like in our lives, and what we thought the gospel was. my stomach was hurting so badly when the other sweet women at my table were talking. there is no way i could share, or talk or anything. i felt convicted and i felt scared - not wanting to show myself. then, they looked at me, and i started talking and then the words just came pouring out of me. the truth about who i am, what i am learning, how clearly the gospel is being played out in my life right now, it all just came bursting out. and i felt JOY. i felt PEACE, i felt OKAY. i felt like i was FREE.  i feel like i do after every women's retreat - refreshed - but this time it feels more permanent. like i have finally started to surrender this area of my life to Jesus. and i felt like dancing. i felt like singing, i felt like my heart was doing cartwheels. thanking Jesus for using this ministry to bring me closer to him.


so, the title of this post is a little misleading. but i am okay with that. because it is true. i hate women's ministry. i hate the stomach aches i get because i dont like talking in front of people. i hate the way it causes me to obsess about my clothes and my hair and my body. i hate talking intimately to women i barely know. i hate not being able to hide. i feel like all these ladies are so much more 'put together' than i and so much more mature than i - and i hate the way i compare myself to them because of that. but i love Gods people. i love community. i love these ladies.  i love truth. {and some great words of wisdom and truth were spoken to me today.} and i love our church. and i am going to continue to go and to face my fears, to look them right in the eye and tell them that they do not define who i am, Jesus does. i am going to replace all my insecurities with the reminder that Jesus always teaches me, tenderly loves me and encourages me through events like this.i am going to work on my heart and stop hating this. i am going to surrender all those feelings to Jesus and allow him to work and mold this part of my heart, and maybe, someday i wont hate going to women's ministry. because i shouldn't hate it - i should love it. and i want to love it. i want to embrace it, i want to give it all to Jesus. and after today i am one step closer to removing the word hate, with love. i am so excited about what Jesus is doing in my heart right now.

want to know more about my church?

 our church put together this amazing, beautiful hour long documentarty about what God has done at Mars Hill Church. we are starting a sermon series called, "Gods work, Our wittness" and this film really shows that. i know that an hour is a long time, but i would like to encourage you to watch this video. 


i love seeing what Jesus is doing at our church, and i havent been around MH for that long. i started attending evening services in ballard in the late spring of 2008 as a 20 year old girl with a firey anger for pastor mark and mars hill church. i was convinced that he was spreading a false gospel and that he was converting all these 'young' people to follow him and his unbiblical idea of Christianity. i sat in the dark room filled with loud music and young adults with my notebook in hand ready to write down all the things i disagreed with. i was ready to judge, to jump on whatever small thing that pastor mark would say that i didnt agree with. 

want to know what i wrote down?

"they do communion weird."

literally, that was the only thing i disagreed with. i was shocked and felt like i had to go back again and see if i could find fault.
i went 3 weeks in a row with a few friends from high school.
each week pastor mark addressed my wonky 'concerns' in his sermons. by the 3 week i was weeping in my seat at what God was doing in that church.
i have never stopped going to mars hill since that day. 

God has grown me in HUGE ways at mars hill. i am so thankful for his work, and so grateful to pastor mark for teaching the Bible and for always bringing things back to Jesus. 

this video is amazing, to see how this Church almost didnt make it, but Jesus kept it going. i am so blessed and excited to be a part of this Church, and so excited to share the rest of my story with you all on this blog, and to share in the coming weeks all the amazing things that God is doing, has done and will forever do to show his glory and bring people to himself. 


i was in tears hearing the changed lives, seeing the places that we have been as a church and i am sure as we keep talking about all the places that we are going, i'll continue to be in tears at the beauty of Gods work. 


if you have any questions about Jesus, or Mars Hill Church, please feel free to send me an email, and please, watch this beautiful film.


 

remember lots wife.

we have some incredible friends.
my family & i have been so blessed by how loving they are to those around them, how kind they are to those in need, & how generous they are with what the LORD has given to them. 
i want introduce you to some of them. 

meet the dean family.
justin, heidi, dylan & coming soon: miss evelyn 

 i am pretty sure that i have told you about this lovely family before. but, just in case i have not, here you go. :) 
the dean's moved here to seattle almost a year & a half ago. 
its been such a blessing to get to know this amazing family. 
like a really huge giant blessing. 
something really awesome about the dean's is that they think of a million and ten ways to love those around them. justin & heidi are super missional & are always thinking of ways to bless others with  their creative ideas & marketing skills. so, a handful of sermons ago this idea was born. 


in Luke 17 Jesus tells us to "remember lots wife". now, lots wife was a lady who longed after her sinful life & paid a very heavy consequence because of that. she was turned into a pillar of salt because she looked back on her old life instead of turning & walking the the direction that God wanted her to go. Jesus was asked in Luke 17 28:-33 about the kingdom of God. and he responded with this: 

28 Likewise, just as it was in the days of Lot—they were eating and drinking, buying and selling, planting and building, 29 but on the day when Lot went out from Sodom, fire and sulfur rained from heaven and destroyed them all— 30 so will it be on the day when the Son of Man is revealed. 31 On that day, let the one who is on the housetop, with his goods in the house, not come down to take them away, and likewise let the one who is in the field not turn back. 32 Remember Lot's wife. 33 Whoever seeks to preserve his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life will keep it.

Jesus is asking us to remember lots wife when we want to turn back to our old sinful life. 

so, justin & his beautiful wife heidi created  remember lot's wife wristbands to give us a daily reminder of what Jesus taught in luke 17.

click here to go to their website

  their idea is that by wearing this wristband then you to will remember what Jesus has asked us to do, by turning back from your old, sinful life & walking towards him as a new creation in Christ.  

the other super cool thing about remember lots wife, is that these amazing wristbands are only $5.00 { & free shipping to anywhere in the usa!} but the best part is that $3.00 of every wristband sales goes to help support missionaries. seriously, how amazing is that?! you get a constant reminder of truth while supporting people sharing the gospel! so, please, go check out their website:

rememberlotswife.org

and buy a wristband, or 2. 

 

a slimy green rock.

i am pretty sure that there were a few of you praying for me over the weekend, because i felt it. oh sure, i was worried about a million things & my heart was heavy with the burden that is my body & my identity this weekend, but i was able to push the thoughts away & give them to the LORD each time. {which is a huge step..} 


i think i posted before that the theme for the retreat this weekend was biblical womanhood. to be perfectly honest, i was more affected by a completely different conversation than what our wonderful speaker {& pastors wife} taught on. i think that once i re read all that she taught on it will spark some wonderful things in my heart, but i really think that the reason that the LORD had me go to the retreat was to learn about a slimy green rock. 


during our second teaching session we learned about being a grace filled helpmate. it was an amazing time of reflecting on marriage & what it means to be a helpmate. after the session was over we were asked to split into groups & discuss what we learned. there were a few questions to answer & somehow we got a little off track. i honestly can not remember how we got to this place, but a wonderful older lady spoke some of the most incredible truth. so, i have struggled a lot in my life feeling like i have value. value to this world, value to my family, value to my friends, value to my husband, value to Jesus & the list goes on. i struggle deeply with the thought that i am not worth a single thing. oh, i know that Christ died for me, & that should mean that i am worth at least something, but for some reason i have yet to really, deeply feel that in my heart. so, this lovely women said something & it gave me a word picture that i will never forget. she started talking about how we are of great value to the LORD. she said to imagine our child. to imagine our sweet child going outside & picking up a slimy green nasty rock & bringing that rock to you as a gift - a treasure. she asked what we would do with that disgusting rock - she said that as a mother we would be overjoyed by the sweet gift that our child brought us. we would take that gross gift & treat it like it was an absolute thing to be cherished. we would put it on the window sill for all to look at, we would place such value on the rock. not because it is awesome, or beautiful, but because it was a gift from our child & we would love it no matter how slimy it was. then she said, "ladies, that is how the LORD sees you." & my heart froze. it hit me. finally. she went on to tell us that the LORD sees us as a slimy green rock that was brought to him through his son, he cherishes us because he loves us, not because of our physical beauty of lack of - but because even though we are slimy & nasty he sees us as something to be valued, loved, & treasured. i have been thinking & meditating on that for the past few days. seeing myself sitting on God's window sill & that he loves me even though i have a muffin top, even though i still look 4 months pregnant, even though i have a temper, even though i have bitterness in my heart, even though i dont always submit or respect my husband like i should, even though i am not disciplined enough in his word, he sees beyond the slimy green stuff on my body & in my heart to the true beauty that is deeper than i even know or understand. i feel so blessed to have learned that this weekend. i feel so blessed to have been in a group with this amazing lady. 


what is a truth that you have been learning lately?

oh praise the one who paid my debt...

i honestly do not have the emotional energy to write a post about how my heart feels today. as i said in my post on sunday, our church does an incredible job at setting the scene & helping to prepare your heart for Easter. this film is pretty intense & graphic, but it is amazing. to see what Jesus went through for our sins is devastatingly beautiful. i can not wait to worship & celebrate with my friends & family this weekend... because we sure have a lot of celebrating to do!

 

{this is just the trailer, to download the entire film click here}

ps. i am not ignoring the beautiful & amazing new look of this blog...stay tuned for more on that tomorrow!

a sunny sunday.

last night miss maggie decided not to sleep. we were awake alot in the night. nick was so great and stayed up for 3 hours with a whiny baby. its so frustrating when she constantly whines and we dont know why. she wouldnt sleep, she was annoyed being awake. so around 7 we switched shifts and he went to sleep. i got to hold and rock our baby to sleep while watching the sun pour into our apartment. it was such a gift from the LORD because i really needed something to be great full for and he provided right in that moment something to make me see his goodness. nick's favorite singer/songwriter was leading worship at the MHC ballard campus so we decided to go there for church this morning. it was really cool to see a person who's music you listen to and who you have seen in concert sing and raise his hands to worship Jesus. nick was able to go and talk to him after service and meet his sweet little daughter. we are very excited about Easter this year, because he is leading worship then as well. the sermon was exactly what i needed to hear regarding repentance. i dont even mind that we will hear it again next week at our campus, it was that good. 

 while we were at church the little lady started snuggling hardcore with me. when i looked down at her, i could see her nose was full of snot, and other yucky unladylike things. she started coughing and drooling nasty sick drool. she slept the entire time and i soon realized what all the whining was about earlier. our sweet lady baby caught some kind of cold. again. i feel so bad for her. so we decided against going to the market even though it was so beautiful and went out to lunch with friends instead. 

it was a really refreshing day, at least for us. maggie is just super whiny and feeling icky. i have a feeling its going to be another really long night, but i can rejoice in knowing that the LORD will be with us the entire time.

xoxo:: 

a

i still should be packing...

i know i should be packing (Still) but i feel like i can spare a few minutes to skim my favorite pastime . while doing so i found this! i want 7! ok, ok.. maybe only 2... but this store is having a buy one get on half off and no shipping sale until valentines day. i might just have to splurge...

another very awesome thing... if you love Pastor Mark Driscoll

then you will love this... a free mp3 version of one of his books...

ok, ok... enough distractions, i better get back to packing! we get keys to our new place on saturday!!!!!!!! ( we are so so excited!)

xoxo-

A