last week i was talking to my husband about the last year and a half of our life. i felt like the only way that i could explain how i felt was like this.
i feel like i have been through a hurricane.
before i got pregnant, my life was on the best path ever.
i had flourishing friendships, a deeper relationship with the Lord, a handle on my emotions, we were serving, leading and active in ministry and what the Lord had called us to do.
then we got hit.
a hurricane came.
life got hard.
i chose to not hold on to my anchor.
i let that hurricane whip me around.
i let it bruise me and break me.
i let it take over me.
i let it shake me to my core.
now. i am not in any way blaming my pregnancy for this hurricane. i believe that sometimes, we go through stormy seasons. i, however did not handle the storm well. as i said, i let go of my anchor. i didnt see this storm as something that the Lord was using to sanctify me. i saw it as a huge, giant, painful event. i did not recognize that all suffering is real, and that it is not pointless. i had somehow forgotten that Jesus suffered greatly, and that he could be my greatest comforter, and when a faithful pastor spoke that truth to me, it changed my life.
what comes with a hurricane?
well, after the whiping around, after the fear of what is next, after the hurt, comes destruction.
friends, i look around my life and i see devestation in so many places.
i see negelcted friendships,
broken relationships.
i see pieces of the last year just strewn about, nothing is really left standing.
except my faith.
and it is stronger than ever.
but i am seeing all the tattered pieces of my life that i need to pick back up, that i need to put back together, fires that i need to put out, things i need to rebuild - - and the task looks overwhelming.
but the truth is, that it is not overwhelming if i just take it all to Jesus. ask him to help me rebuild what the hurricane of this last year has destroyed. it means a lot of hard conversations with friends that are very dear to me, a lot of apologies and reconciliation. it means humbly admitting that even in the midst of my hurt and pain, i was still a sinner. that those hard moments of my life did not make me exempt from that. i need to be thankful and stop complaining. there is no way i can rebuild anything with a heart of un-thankfulness. { i can honestly say that the LORD has been working on this part of my life in BIG ways!}
so even though this last year has been a wreck, it has been the most beautiful wreck i have ever seen.
the grace that has been poured out, the love, the mercy and the comfort that has been poured out on me and my family by Jesus is astounding. He really is the best - and i really dont deserve it.
i am really looking forward to sitting here a year from now, and sharing with you how he turned this mess into something breathtakingly beautiful... Turing this trial away from me and making it all about his glory.
Jesus is good friends. so, so good.
Your heart is such a reflection of the wisdom in James 1! Thank you for sharing about how God has strengthened your faith through the trials. That's the very best possible outcome. Yay Jesus!
ReplyDeleteHi Ally! I love your genuine posts - you really have a gift for writing and a heart of gold. I just wanted to drop a note because I know that this has been a trying year for you and even though it seems that much is left in shambles, there are many fruits that you have produced this year. It's difficult to look past our failings to our accomplishments, but I think it is worthwhile. As a person who has only met you a few times, I can think of many GOOD and wonderful things you have done this year.
ReplyDelete- You have faithfully, lovingly and respectfully served your husband and maintained a beautiful relationship that stands a model for others to emulate.
- You have developed a bond with your daughter and met her needs. You have prayed for her, written letters to her that she will treasure for years to come and sacrificed for her, including the money that would make life a bit more comfortable if you did not quit your job to be with her.
- Without abandon you have poetically and authentically poured your heart out on this blog, sharing themes that are common in the hearts of mothers and women everywhere. Through sharing your story you have given a place for women to connect, reflect and grow. You have challenged and inspired others to turn to Jesus in times of trial and times of joy.
- You have been there for your friends who labored and delivered their babies. You have selflessly given your time and shared in the ups and downs with mothers of newborns. Every step of the way.
- Even when you are in a stormy season you are able to find snippets of beauty in God's creation. And you freely share the beauty you find with others, which brightens their day.
You see, in many ways this year has been fruitful and successful! As a mother with a baby twelve hours apart in age from yours, I can definitely relate to the broken relationships, disappointment in productivity and lack of reaching out to serve those in need. But in all honesty, I don't think anyone expects you to be wonder woman. Albeit we should not hide under it, but it is a valid excuse that the duties of motherhood (especially of infants) takes up a lot of time and room in our days and in our hearts. It's only natural for you to focus on raising your child.
And I don't think you should see this year as a wreck, at least not a total one! There is definitely room for all of us to improve. But please give yourself a break, because God does! You are so very precious and valuable to Him and to your friends and family. You are a gem, Ally. Please remember that.
Grace, Peace and Merry Christmas! It has a true pleasure getting to know you a bit this year. Thank you for sharing your heart and helping me to grow along the way!
As someone who benefited from yor assistance during my own labor, I totally agree with Jenny. The year should be considered a success just because you were by my side when Susanna was born!
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