surrender

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i have been asking God to give me a word to focus and pray on in 2012, and last night after a giant blow up, He did.

surrender

the dictionary defines the word as:

" to yield the the power, control or possession of another upon demand"

i desperately need to surrender my life to Jesus.

last night, nick & i had an argument. okay, it was a full blown fight that started as a few tiny frustrations in my heart. those frustrations stemmed from unmet expectations and from me feeling so out of control, so tired, and so over all areas of my life. not just a little tired, but empty tired. do you know the tired i am talking about?

i cried over my kitchen sink to Jesus, admitting to him that i no longer trusted him to be in control. that i felt like i had a much better handle on my life. that i didn't feel him or want him or trust him. as i let the hot tears fill my sink i was crying out to be saved from my own death, a death that i was causing for myself. 

i told my husband that i wanted, i needed to be rescued, that i longed to be saved. he lovingly reminded me that i have been. i just needed to open my eyes and see it.

the past few months i have really let my relationship with Jesus slide. i have actually lost my Bible multiple times because it had been so long since i had opened it. sure, i prayed every day, but only really had heartfelt prayers when i 'needed' to. i would feel conviction and push it down - too proud to deal with it. and then last night it all blew out of me like a cork in a bottle of champagne. it blew up and lots of ugly bubbled out with it. and then it settled, and then i felt deep, heavy, guilt. and i feel those pesky feelings of depression sneaking back in. 
nick sat down and read these verses to me, {Ephesians 4:17- 30}

 

    [17] Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. [18] They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. [19] They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. [20] But that is not the way you learned Christ!—[21] assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, [22] to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, [23] and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, [24] and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.
    [25] Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. [26] Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, [27] and give no opportunity to the devil. [28] Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. [29] Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. [30] And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
   
(Ephesians 4:17-30 ESV)  

i was so convicted. i have been acting as a gentile. i am darkened in my understanding,i have alienated myself from the life of God, and i have the hardest most calloused heart i could imagine. OH, but then came the hope. 

[20] But that is not the way you learned Christ!—

those words are so sweet to this bitter heart. the passage goes on to talk about the old and the new self. i confessed that i had taken off that beautiful new self to put back on my filthy rags.

 BUT THAT IS NOT HOW I LEARNED CHRIST!!!

i learned that the truth was in Jesus, but i abandoned it for the lie that i could do it all on my own.

this sweet husband of mine prayed over me and my desperate heart and this morning i woke up with a new mind. a heart full of repentance for the words i so foolishly let spill out of my mouth, for the ugly way that i acted, for worshiping myself and not following my husband, but worse- not pursuing Jesus.

i spent the morning asking for forgiveness for being a stray sheep who is always constantly straying and who wont respond obediently to loving correction from the Shepherd.

i woke up this morning with a new song in my heart, and the promises of psalms 30 filling my mind. 

  i feel so thankful that Jesus has given me this word, that he has called me, and asked me to surrender my life to him. i am excited to see where this year will take me as i continue to give up my control, my expectations, my wants, and my life to serve him more. 

hurricane

i have wrote about this a hundred times on this little blog. i am sorry if you are tired of hearing about it. 

last week i was talking to my husband about the last year and a half of our life. i felt like the only way that i could explain how i felt was like this. 

i feel like i have been through a hurricane. 

before i got pregnant, my life was on the best path ever. 
i had flourishing friendships, a deeper relationship with the Lord, a handle on my emotions, we were serving, leading and active in ministry and what the Lord had called us to do.

then we got hit. 
a hurricane came.
life got hard.
i chose to not hold on to my anchor.
i let that hurricane whip me around.
i let it bruise me and break me.
i let it take over me.
i let it shake me to my core.


now. i am not in any way blaming my pregnancy for this hurricane. i believe that sometimes, we go through stormy seasons. i, however did not handle the storm well. as i said, i let go of my anchor. i didnt see this storm as something that the Lord was using to sanctify me. i saw it as a huge, giant, painful event. i did not recognize that all suffering is real, and that it is not pointless. i had somehow forgotten that Jesus suffered greatly, and that he could be my greatest comforter, and when a faithful pastor spoke that truth to me, it changed my life. 

what comes with a hurricane? 
well, after the whiping around, after the fear of what is next, after the hurt, comes destruction.


friends, i look around my life and i see devestation in so many places. 
i see negelcted friendships,
broken relationships.
i see pieces of the last year just strewn about, nothing is really left standing.
except my faith.
and it is stronger than ever.
but i am seeing all the tattered pieces of my life that i need to pick back up, that i need to put back together, fires that i need to put out, things i need to rebuild - - and the task looks overwhelming. 


but the truth is, that it is not overwhelming if i just take it all to Jesus. ask him to help me rebuild what the hurricane of this last year has destroyed. it means a lot of hard conversations with friends that are very dear to me, a lot of apologies and reconciliation. it means humbly admitting that even in the midst of my hurt and pain, i was still a sinner. that those hard moments of my life did not make me exempt from that. i need to be thankful and stop complaining. there is no way i can rebuild anything with a heart of un-thankfulness. { i can honestly say that the LORD has been working on this part of my life in BIG ways!} 


so even though this last year has been a wreck, it has been the most beautiful wreck i have ever seen.
the grace that has been poured out, the love, the mercy and the comfort that has been poured out on me and my family by Jesus is astounding. He really is the best - and i really dont deserve it. 
i am really looking forward to sitting here a year from now, and sharing with you how he turned this mess into something breathtakingly beautiful... Turing this trial away from me and making it all about his glory. 


Jesus is good friends. so, so good. 

thankful

 

i know that i am a day late. 

but i am still thankful.

right now i am siting awake at my parents house suffering from a severe case of insomnia along with christmas morning excitement to go shopping in just about 2 hours. i think i have slept for about 2 hours. but honestly, who can sleep in a bed with your husband and your crazy 1 year old who needs a jet engine fan blowing to sleep & who sleeps at an angle taking up at least half of the bed? {not me.}

but i am not complaining. i actually am 100% ok with this no sleep thing tonight. or last night. or whatever. 

i am so thankful for my little family and all the blessings we have been given.

i am thankful for:

my husband. he loves and serves me every.single.day. he is such a huge blessing to me and i am so thankful that Jesus saw it fit for us to be married.

my daughter. she is full of joy, she gives us such joy, she is a constant reminder that i need my savior & being her mama has sanctified me in so many ways.

my family. i loved having our non traditonal, crazy loud, thanksgiving dinner. sometimes having a large, loud family can be overwhelming, but i wouldnt change it for anything.

my Jesus. oh, he is the thing i am most thankful for. without him i am nothing. he is my strength, & it is only by his grace that i can do this life.

my friends. i know i am not as good as a friend sometimes as i should be. i am working on it. but i really have the best friends. i am so thankful i get to walk through life with them.

this blog. i have been terrible at blogging lately, but i am still so thankful for this little space of mine. it has been an amazing year since i really got 'serious' about blogging, and i have met some amazing ladies, shared deep parts of my heart, & found something to do that makes me feel more like me. 

being a stay at home mama. i really am thankful for this one. it is something that i never thought would work & through my entire pregnancy i never imagined i would be at home with my lady. i am thankful that the LORD provides and for my husband who works hard to make this dream possible. i do not take it for granted. at all.

i am thankful for so many other things, but it is nearing 2:30am and i should try to maybe get another half hour of sleep... or just go wake up my mama like i used to on Christmas day. hmmmm...

happy thanksgiving friends. i am thankful for you.

 

a 3am wake up call

this morning we had a wake up call that we have not had in many months. 


crying.


maggie woke up at 3am.
nick went in and comforted her and rocked her for nearly
twenty minutes.
she went back to sleep.


he came back in and then she woke up.
it was my turn.
i went in and picked her up & sang to her.
she stopped.
sometimes a girl just needs her mama.


i sat there and rocked her and she would not fall asleep.
we sat and looked out at the moon and i prayed for her.
i told her about how last year this weekend she changed my life.
as tears rolled down my cheeks onto her light brown curls i told her all about how much she changed my life, how i spent an entire day in labor with her not knowing that she would be this special to me.


and then the LORD reminded me of the verse that has been on my heart and in the front of my mind since november 12,2010. 

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i was reminded that when i was in labor, Christ gave me strength.
when i didnt know how we were going to take our baby home and not have any help, He gave me strength.
when my husband went back to work, He gave me strength.

when i had no idea how to nurse a baby, He gave me strength.
when i could no longer nurse that baby, and struggled with giving her a bottle, He gave me strength.


He gave me strength when i thought that i could never get out of the hole of depression i was in. 


He gave me strength when we didnt sleep and He was giving me strength to rock maggie to sleep at 3am. 


He would also give me strength to get through her first birthday. 
strength to learn how to take care of a toddler, not an infant.
strength to get me through everyday i have with this little girl.


i have never been more thankful for a 3am rockfest with my little lady. 
{i know what to put in my thankful jar today...}

a thankful heart, is a happy heart.

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earlier this year, i was inspired by my sweet friend, megan. she started a jar of blessings (you can read about it here)
i wanted so badly to follow with her and do it every single day, but i never did. so, i thought that we would do our own little twist on this great idea. i know this is not the first time that you have heard of this, but it has been so helpful in cultivating a heart of thankfulness instead of comparison or ungratefulness. {is that a word?!}


we started a thankful jar. 

 

each day for the month of november, nick and i are writing down something we are thankful for. my plan is to start doing this everyday for the whole year {give or take} and have them to read on thanksgiving. 

i have found already, that i spend more time thinking about what i am thankful for and less time wishing i had things that i dont. i am really excited about this jar and what it means for our family. i am really looking forward to reading these on thanksgiving day. 

we were using just plain old sticky notes to write on & then i found this awesome free printable 

 

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 so i printed that cute little thing out and we write our thanks on something really darling. {which is something i am thankful for...}  

how do you guys keep track of things that you are thankful for?