its time.

hosea 10:12 

"... for it is time to seek the Lord.."

the book of hosea paints a picture of Israel's unfaithfulness, which is fitting for me because i have lacked strong faithfulness to the Lord recently. i go through extreme ups and downs in my walk with God and i have a really hard time maintaining a good balance. i feel like i always need to either be on a spiritual high, or say nothing at all. and since i dont always feel like i am on a spiritual high, i tend to say nothing, or{if i am being honest and real} do nothing. i start to slack in my Bible reading, my prayers become more selfish, and i start to slowly sink into a quiet hole of "i have nothing valuable to offer, and i dont know Jesus well, and i am an embarrassment to him." which is not true. it is also not true that you always have to be on some kind of spiritual mountaintop to be close to the Lord. he meets you where you are, which for me is more often on a rocky rabbit trail than a crisp, clear mountaintop. 

nick encouraged me to start reading the daily devotionals that our church puts out, so this morning as i sat out on the patio with my coffee and a fresh page in my journal, i quietly asked Jesus to show me what he wanted me to learn.  the devotion that i picked was based out of hosea. as i read the verse, it felt like a ton of bricks just hit me in the face. "yes, yes Lord. it is time to seek you. time to seek your will, your face, your comfort, your love. you."

charles spurgeon writes that the month of april is said to derive from the latin verb "aperio" which signifies , "to open" because all the buds are opening and blossoming. which makes perfect sense to me. all around we see it happening in nature, things are growing, new growth, buds are blooming, beauty is sprouting up from nothing - we want to mimic nature and we all try to start over, to clean up, to emerge from the tight cocoon we have lived in all winter. but even deeper than that, for me, is opening up and seeking the Lord. all day. every day. not just when i am feeling it spiritually, but pulling apart the pages of my Bible early every morning, or late every afternoon even when i dont feel like i have anything to offer, even when i just feel like facebook is more interesting and important at that moment. getting in his word, seeking him - looking for him, learning from him. 

i am certain that i didnt read this devotion by chance this morning. certain that it was not by chance that i woke up feeling rested at 6am, took time to shower, and sit outside in the cool quiet morning air {instead of catch up on blogs, facebook, pinterest etc...} and read about how it is time to seek the Lord. no, it was just the pure work of the Holy Spirit in my life, directing me towards what God is asking me, all of us really, to do. and you better believe that i am going to obey. 

i doubt it is going to be easy. i doubt that i will stay on track, but i have got to stop wasting so much time and start seeking the Lord - because in the end, its all about Jesus and that is all that really matters.

how are you seeking the Lord today? will you join me in seeking him?

 

on why i have been silent...

"who am i writing for?" 

"what am i writing about?"

"are my words of value or importance?"

"does anyone even read these words?"

"is that even important?"

"why am i writing this blog in the first place?"

those my friends are the questions that have been running through my mind every single time i sit down to write on this blog. 

if i am really honest with you all {which i tend to always be} i would tell you that i have never really sat down and defined what i want this blog to be - what type of a space i want it to be. do i want to write for others, do i want to write for myself - and sometimes do i want to even keep writing at all. 

its silly, i think - how deeply i want others to read what i write. not because i want to be something awesome, but i suppose its because i want to know that i am being heard. i have amazing, amazing real life friends who always validate how i feel and who hear me all the time, but there is something about writing for me - its deeper than a conversation sometimes. its more emotional, and raw. it is a part of my heart that i can only express in written words and not out of my mouth. i sometimes feel like there is this whole other person inside of me begging to get out in my writing and because i am fearful of what others will or will not say, i keep it all locked up. and i do not want to do that anymore. i want to write. ever since i was a little girl i have written. written about how i feel, written about made up stories, kept journals, and even had a blog prior to this one where the only person that read it was my sweet friends mama and after she suddenly passed away i couldn't write there anymore so i started this one. i write because if i dont, i fear i will explode. i share it with you because i want to be fully known - and i want a place to store all my memories, all my pictures, all my thoughts and all my silly interests. i want to share my life with you all not because i want to be 'popular' or because i think that my life is really so interesting that you all want to follow along and read about it, but because i want to be raw, real, and honest.

i am learning lately to just let go of what other people think about what i write. because the truth is - this is a blog about my life, my journey to live the story Jesus has for me each day, and whatever that includes is what i should write about. so i will. i will write about whatever, and i will find joy in that because i am living the life that Jesus has laid out for me - the life that he died for so that i could live, and live it in freedom. they way i feel limited to write on this blog, is for sure not living in that freedom. 

i hear too often the lies of the enemy, where he tells me that my words are not of any importance at all - that they have no value, and encourage no one. his words are just that - lies. and i am going to stop listening to them, because he is dead wrong. 

i dont want this little corner of the internet to be dry - or dead- or quiet- or filled with loud noise. i want it to be a space filled with things that are noble, pure, just, true, lovely, honorable, because that is what i want my life to be, a life built out of Philippians 4:8. i want to speak words of wisdom, lessons from mamahood, lessons ob being a wife, and the lessons that Jesus is so gracefully teaching me. and today, this blog changes. i am letting go, surrendering this blog to Jesus, and surrendering my fears and my heart to him regarding this space. its time i stop trying to make this something that it is not, and let it just come forth out of my soul - all for the glory of God.

 

 

on why i hate womens ministry, but shouldnt. { & what Jesus is doing to change that.}

i have always wanted lots of lady friends.
but i have learned that i dont really do well with that.
{i am kind of awkward when i am around lots of ladies. i start to talk too much and tend to over share... i am that girl.} 
so, i gave up on that dream in high school. and i actually love that i am a 'small handful of friends' kind of lady. 

i have also always wanted to belong to a women's ministry at church. i thought it sounded fun & exciting and a great place to go and meet other ladies, other mamas and grow in the Lord together. but, in 2010 our church had a women's retreat. and my husband encouraged me to go - and i really had to have him talk me into it. i was scared because i had never been before - and i did not grow up with sisters or super close girlfriends so staying in a cabin with a bunch of ladies for a weekend was uncharted territory. but my sweet husband lovingly told me that he was not going to let anything get in the way {including moving into our apartment} of me going to this retreat. so, i drug my feet and my heart to a cabin in the woods, and had the best time of my life. it was so fun. it was so filled with Jesus, it was so good for my soul. being around ladies who were honest and transparent - it really spurred my heart on to be like that & by Gods grace, i feel like i have. then, i found out i was pregnant, i had that sweet little baby and just like my pants, i didnt feel 'right' anymore. i felt uncomfortable and awkward. i felt like a 17 year old struggling to make conversation with her moms friends. and when our church had another retreat in spring of 2011, i WAS NOT GOING TO GO. There was no way i was going to go sleep in a cabin in the woods - share a bathroom & have no place to hide my awkward heart and my awkward body. i felt like i didnt fit. i no longer had a baby in my tummy, even though it still looked like i did - and i couldnt sit in the bathroom listening to the "woosh- woosh" of a breast pump with all the other mama's that i knew. i was in the deepest, darkest pit of my depression and i was bleeding that darkness out of every pore and i thought i could pretend that i was ok. but i was not ok. i was struggling. i was afraid and i was terrified. {i wrote about it here.}and i had anxiety the whole way there. i dont even think i laughed or smiled. i wanted to die. i hated it. but i learned a lot. a lot about my worth and identity in Christ. it was just what i needed to hear. { you can read all about that here.} 


Jesus has always, and i mean always come through. he has taken my anxious, terrified, insecure heart and taught me just what i needed during those times. so why should i doubt him?


OH, but i DO. 
So, back to the story. 
Mars Hill Church launched their women's ministry today at our location. i have known about it for weeks. i signed up 3 days ago. and only because my sweet friend told me i had too. its not that i didnt want to go, {and i made lots of excuses not too} its that i dont like women's ministry. i dont like it because its uncomfortable and because its good for me. i woke up this morning and stressed over my outfit and my hair. and i stressed about missing nap time, and i stressed about what people would think of me, and i stressed about what i would say. and i didnt even think to stop and ask Jesus what he wanted me to do. i just got caught up in my 'im going to a women's event' routine. as i walked in to the church, i felt a little confidence knowing i was going to be at the same table as my friend. {i thought for sure i could choose where to sit.} but when they wrote the number 10 on my name tag and not 10 on hers my stomach hit the floor. my blood started pumping, i became flustered and insecure and scared. i was dying inside. i dropped my little girl off at childcare and talked myself into sitting down at table number 10. i sat there and no one else was at my table. i looked around at happy and comfortable women chatting away with each other. i felt dumb, i felt little and i felt like a child playing house - like i didnt belong. i hated it. i texted my husband, " please pray for me, because this is really hard. i hate it right now." and he responded with, " i am praying". we sang, and listened to some announcements and i sat with my arms crossed tightly over my chest {something i do when i am insecure.} and as the speaker kept talking i could hardly hear what she was saying, because hot anxiety was pulsating through my body. but then she said this,  
"sanctification is much like the process of making a house a home" and it hit me. i was being sanctified- right there in that moment Jesus was sanctifying me. she spoke about the gospel and asked us to talk to each other about what the gospel looked like in our lives, and what we thought the gospel was. my stomach was hurting so badly when the other sweet women at my table were talking. there is no way i could share, or talk or anything. i felt convicted and i felt scared - not wanting to show myself. then, they looked at me, and i started talking and then the words just came pouring out of me. the truth about who i am, what i am learning, how clearly the gospel is being played out in my life right now, it all just came bursting out. and i felt JOY. i felt PEACE, i felt OKAY. i felt like i was FREE.  i feel like i do after every women's retreat - refreshed - but this time it feels more permanent. like i have finally started to surrender this area of my life to Jesus. and i felt like dancing. i felt like singing, i felt like my heart was doing cartwheels. thanking Jesus for using this ministry to bring me closer to him.


so, the title of this post is a little misleading. but i am okay with that. because it is true. i hate women's ministry. i hate the stomach aches i get because i dont like talking in front of people. i hate the way it causes me to obsess about my clothes and my hair and my body. i hate talking intimately to women i barely know. i hate not being able to hide. i feel like all these ladies are so much more 'put together' than i and so much more mature than i - and i hate the way i compare myself to them because of that. but i love Gods people. i love community. i love these ladies.  i love truth. {and some great words of wisdom and truth were spoken to me today.} and i love our church. and i am going to continue to go and to face my fears, to look them right in the eye and tell them that they do not define who i am, Jesus does. i am going to replace all my insecurities with the reminder that Jesus always teaches me, tenderly loves me and encourages me through events like this.i am going to work on my heart and stop hating this. i am going to surrender all those feelings to Jesus and allow him to work and mold this part of my heart, and maybe, someday i wont hate going to women's ministry. because i shouldn't hate it - i should love it. and i want to love it. i want to embrace it, i want to give it all to Jesus. and after today i am one step closer to removing the word hate, with love. i am so excited about what Jesus is doing in my heart right now.

resting in His grace

i almost always write a really honest, serious post and then want to follow it up with something light and fun - just so this little blog is not full of all the serious stuff going on in my life, but also keeps track of the fun. but this week has been just plain hard friends. like really hard. & i cant go into lots of details as to why, but its just been a roller coaster. every time i think i have a handle on myself and my emotions {anxiety, frustration, heartbroken, some anger, fear, and fragile.} the sneak back up on me and i have to lay them all down at Jesus feet all over again. sometimes i do this 15 times in an hour.  i am an extremely sensitive person. & some have told me over the past year that i need to grow a thicker skin {and there is truth to that} but i also just know that Jesus has made me a sensitive soul. so i know that there are some people who would just tell me about the situation that i am in, "its not really that big of a deal", but to me it is. to me, what we are walking through is really taking a toll on my heart. 

Source: reasonstobreathe.tumblr.com via Ally on Pinterest

{i love this photo so much.}

i know that the place that Jesus has us right now is not the place that i want to be, and i also know its not the place that he desired for us to be at either, but i know that it is the place that he has us. i know that taking this huge step of surrendering my life {all areas - big and small} to him is going to be full of big steps that are not easy or comfortable. but those steps are going to be taking us closer to becoming more and more like Jesus. i read this tweet this morning and it really has been such healing for my heart. 

i love the part about resting in grace and in the One who gave it. that is where i am at today. i am resting in grace. & every time i get all anxious about the days to come, or annoyed at some people, or angry at these circumstances i go to Jesus. i surrender those feelings to him - just pile it on him. and sit and rest in the beauty of his grace. and it has been such healing for this messed up heart.

 

surrender

Source: bottomlessbellybutton.tumblr.com via Rebecca on Pinterest

i have been asking God to give me a word to focus and pray on in 2012, and last night after a giant blow up, He did.

surrender

the dictionary defines the word as:

" to yield the the power, control or possession of another upon demand"

i desperately need to surrender my life to Jesus.

last night, nick & i had an argument. okay, it was a full blown fight that started as a few tiny frustrations in my heart. those frustrations stemmed from unmet expectations and from me feeling so out of control, so tired, and so over all areas of my life. not just a little tired, but empty tired. do you know the tired i am talking about?

i cried over my kitchen sink to Jesus, admitting to him that i no longer trusted him to be in control. that i felt like i had a much better handle on my life. that i didn't feel him or want him or trust him. as i let the hot tears fill my sink i was crying out to be saved from my own death, a death that i was causing for myself. 

i told my husband that i wanted, i needed to be rescued, that i longed to be saved. he lovingly reminded me that i have been. i just needed to open my eyes and see it.

the past few months i have really let my relationship with Jesus slide. i have actually lost my Bible multiple times because it had been so long since i had opened it. sure, i prayed every day, but only really had heartfelt prayers when i 'needed' to. i would feel conviction and push it down - too proud to deal with it. and then last night it all blew out of me like a cork in a bottle of champagne. it blew up and lots of ugly bubbled out with it. and then it settled, and then i felt deep, heavy, guilt. and i feel those pesky feelings of depression sneaking back in. 
nick sat down and read these verses to me, {Ephesians 4:17- 30}

 

    [17] Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. [18] They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. [19] They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. [20] But that is not the way you learned Christ!—[21] assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, [22] to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, [23] and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, [24] and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.
    [25] Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. [26] Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, [27] and give no opportunity to the devil. [28] Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. [29] Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. [30] And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
   
(Ephesians 4:17-30 ESV)  

i was so convicted. i have been acting as a gentile. i am darkened in my understanding,i have alienated myself from the life of God, and i have the hardest most calloused heart i could imagine. OH, but then came the hope. 

[20] But that is not the way you learned Christ!—

those words are so sweet to this bitter heart. the passage goes on to talk about the old and the new self. i confessed that i had taken off that beautiful new self to put back on my filthy rags.

 BUT THAT IS NOT HOW I LEARNED CHRIST!!!

i learned that the truth was in Jesus, but i abandoned it for the lie that i could do it all on my own.

this sweet husband of mine prayed over me and my desperate heart and this morning i woke up with a new mind. a heart full of repentance for the words i so foolishly let spill out of my mouth, for the ugly way that i acted, for worshiping myself and not following my husband, but worse- not pursuing Jesus.

i spent the morning asking for forgiveness for being a stray sheep who is always constantly straying and who wont respond obediently to loving correction from the Shepherd.

i woke up this morning with a new song in my heart, and the promises of psalms 30 filling my mind. 

  i feel so thankful that Jesus has given me this word, that he has called me, and asked me to surrender my life to him. i am excited to see where this year will take me as i continue to give up my control, my expectations, my wants, and my life to serve him more. 

hurricane

i have wrote about this a hundred times on this little blog. i am sorry if you are tired of hearing about it. 

last week i was talking to my husband about the last year and a half of our life. i felt like the only way that i could explain how i felt was like this. 

i feel like i have been through a hurricane. 

before i got pregnant, my life was on the best path ever. 
i had flourishing friendships, a deeper relationship with the Lord, a handle on my emotions, we were serving, leading and active in ministry and what the Lord had called us to do.

then we got hit. 
a hurricane came.
life got hard.
i chose to not hold on to my anchor.
i let that hurricane whip me around.
i let it bruise me and break me.
i let it take over me.
i let it shake me to my core.


now. i am not in any way blaming my pregnancy for this hurricane. i believe that sometimes, we go through stormy seasons. i, however did not handle the storm well. as i said, i let go of my anchor. i didnt see this storm as something that the Lord was using to sanctify me. i saw it as a huge, giant, painful event. i did not recognize that all suffering is real, and that it is not pointless. i had somehow forgotten that Jesus suffered greatly, and that he could be my greatest comforter, and when a faithful pastor spoke that truth to me, it changed my life. 

what comes with a hurricane? 
well, after the whiping around, after the fear of what is next, after the hurt, comes destruction.


friends, i look around my life and i see devestation in so many places. 
i see negelcted friendships,
broken relationships.
i see pieces of the last year just strewn about, nothing is really left standing.
except my faith.
and it is stronger than ever.
but i am seeing all the tattered pieces of my life that i need to pick back up, that i need to put back together, fires that i need to put out, things i need to rebuild - - and the task looks overwhelming. 


but the truth is, that it is not overwhelming if i just take it all to Jesus. ask him to help me rebuild what the hurricane of this last year has destroyed. it means a lot of hard conversations with friends that are very dear to me, a lot of apologies and reconciliation. it means humbly admitting that even in the midst of my hurt and pain, i was still a sinner. that those hard moments of my life did not make me exempt from that. i need to be thankful and stop complaining. there is no way i can rebuild anything with a heart of un-thankfulness. { i can honestly say that the LORD has been working on this part of my life in BIG ways!} 


so even though this last year has been a wreck, it has been the most beautiful wreck i have ever seen.
the grace that has been poured out, the love, the mercy and the comfort that has been poured out on me and my family by Jesus is astounding. He really is the best - and i really dont deserve it. 
i am really looking forward to sitting here a year from now, and sharing with you how he turned this mess into something breathtakingly beautiful... Turing this trial away from me and making it all about his glory. 


Jesus is good friends. so, so good. 

rest

Source: None via Vera on Pinterest

you know when the LORD is trying to teach you something & he just keeps sharing it with you over & over & over again?
well, that is just what is happening with me.

a few weeks ago at redemption group i was talking about how i am so tired. i feel like i am carrying so many things that are heavy on my back. a sweet girl in my group encouraged me with this verse,

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

 

matthew 11:28

it was just what i needed to hear. i mean, really. i have known this verse for as long as i can remember. it was even one of the verses that i had my husband read to me during labor. but lately it is been a life changing verse. 

i have been carrying so many unnecessary burdens on my back. 

like, if i have offended people recently.

or if i am being a good enough friend.

or what everyone thinks of the way that i look.

or how well behaved my girl is.

should i get a job outside of the home?

do we have enough money?

am i being a loving wife?

now, some of those things are good to be mindful of, but i carry them around like heavy bricks that i just wont give to the LORD. 

why wont i give them up?

one word.

control.

i want it. i crave it. i {think} i need it. 

if i just let go and allow Jesus to carry those burdens, i feel like i am just giving up.

and in a sense, i am. 

and that scares me. 

because if i give it all up to him, what if his plans for me are different than the ones i had for me?

what if the road he wants me to walk on is hard?

i am scared of what he would have for me. 

what i am learning is that when i do let go and let God sit in the drivers seat, my life is full of joy and peace.

when i am in control its full of worry and anxiety.

why am i so quick to give up that joy and peace and trade it for the worry and the anxiety?

yesterday i heard a small portion of a radio show. 

they were talking about felling weary.

the man said, " if you are feeling weary and heavy laden, just come to Jesus. lay those burdens at his feet and he will give you rest."

ahh. sweet rest. thats what i desire. 

so, right there, in my car i gave Jesus the worries of my day. 

i was on my way to the dr, because my little girl had the weirdest diaper rash i had ever seen. when i called they said they wanted to see her right away. 

fear started to sneak into my heart.

i began to play the 'what if...' game. 

but there, in that moment i gave all those worries to Jesus.

and, {like he always is} Jesus was right.

he did give me rest.

now, i want to commit myself to start giving those things that make me feel heavy over to the LORD. its going to be a slow process, but i am going to keep at it. 

i can not wait to see what else Jesus has for me to learn in this area. 

what about you?

are you feeling weighted down?

weary?

carrying unnecessary burdens?

come to Jesus. 

he will give you rest. 

 

eleven months

margaret pearl,

oh sweet girl, just how did we get to eleven months?

i am completely in awe of how quickly this year has gone. 

we are so excited to be so close to celebrating this first year of your life, but there is something so bittersweet about it. 

this year as literally flown by. 

you have grown so quickly from babyhood to toddlerhood. 

this past month you have done some pretty big things for such a little lady!

your speaking skills have very much improved. 

you can say, 'mama' and 'dada' and 'blah blah'

as well as 'ya ya' and the very popular, 'la la'.

you also know how to sing. 

yep.

sing.

every time a song comes on or you hear music you raise your voice and do a sweet soft " la la la la laaaa" 

a lot of the time you can copy what i sing. 

you love music. 

we find you turning all your toys into shakers or drums. 

and you twinkle the keys on your little piano all the time.

you have a good taste in music too. 

your favorites are band of horses, rosie thomas, death cab for cutie, iron and wine, and the occasional lady gaga, black eyed peas, and dare i say it: katy perry. {all thanks to your hunkle d}

another thing that you learned how to do this month is walk.

get. it. girl.

you started walking at 10 months old.

it was a sunday night and your daddy was taking off your sunday dress to put on your jammies. i guess he was not going quick enough because you walked your way right out of that dress. 

it was our favorite moment. we all giggled and mama cried a little bit. 

so my girl, i could go on talking about all your favorite toys,

about what you love to eat, or how many naps you take a day, but i am not going to. this month i want to tell you how you have changed my heart. 

baby girl, from  the moment i knew you were living inside of me i wanted you. i had desired to feel a love for you that was so strong that it hurt. a love that welled up in my heart and made me want to squish you and giggle with you all day long. this month that happened for me. i can not stand to be away from you. i love you. i love you so deeply that my heart aches when you are sleeping at night and i can not wait to wake up and start a new day with you. 

i think about you constantly. even when i am weary. i get sad when i think of all the days that went by without me thinking about how special those days were. i want to tell every first time mama that i know how hard the first 6 months are. that it is sometimes so terrible and you feel like giving up, but to stop and enjoy that crying baby, or that baby that will only sleep in your arms. enjoy swaddling that newborn, because all to quickly they turn into toddlers and wiggle away when you are changing a diaper. maggie girl, i miss you as a baby. i miss your sweet sugar scented breath, i miss your curled up fisted hands. i miss snuggling you on my chest for hours of sleeping and i miss feeling you close to my body as you slept at night. but girly, i am looking forward to this new stage with a fierce passion. i am looking forward to exploring new things with you, to chasing you around the house & to celebrating your first birthday in just one month.

you really are our sunshine. 

we love you miss pearl.

xo,

mama 

praise God from whom all blessings flow...

i have been so blessed this week in many different ways. 

+ my baby girl has been sleeping through the night-- in her own bed!

+ yesterday i got to throw a shower for one of my best friends, who will be having her baby girl very, very SOON.


+ AND, this little blog is being featured on faith blogs as the blog of the week!! { so if you are visiting from faith blogs - welcome! please let me know that you are here!} 


my heart feels really full. 


i have been prayerfully considering what to write about on this blog for a few weeks. & honestly, i woke up 3 days ago ready to share something really raw & honest. and then with this little blog being featured on faithblogs, i thought i would chicken out. but the truth is, Jesus wants me to share this, & i am counting it a blessing that maybe more people will read this post because of the timing. either way, i am going to be obedient to the LORD and what he has placed on my heart to share. 


are you ready? becuase this is the most honest i have been on this blog yet. {am i ready?!} 


if we are friends in real life, or if you follow me on twitter or facebook, you will read that since being a mama i have struggled. things have been so much harder than i thought they would be. i have not talked about it because i have been to afraid of what those around me will think - or say. i have been to proud to share what i am walking in because i have a fear that people will treat me differently & that is the very last thing that i want. so this may come as a surprise, but it probably wont. 


for the last 10 months i have been suffering from Post Partum Depression. 
{just typing that out makes me so nervous.}


the past 10 months have been the hardest months of my life. i have desired to be a mama since i was a little girl. i waited with great anticipation for our little lady. i was happy, excited & couldn't stop daydreaming about holding my little baby, rocking a crying baby to sleep, playing with and dressing our girl, going places happily as a family of 3. when i was about 8 months pregnant, i became tired. i was so ready to meet this baby, so tired of being pregnant and huge during the fall in rainy, gloomy seattle, with nothing to wear {because nothing fit.} something happened in my heart that month. it became sad. i thought nothing of it because it seemed "normal" to feel 'blue' about all the things happening. 


i remember the day my daughter was born. she was 7 days late. every day that i was overdue the doctors told me that she was not going to come anytime soon. i grew anxious and angry. i wanted my baby to be born. i wanted control. i was upset at everyone & i did not enjoy very much of that week. the day that maggie was born was the hardest, most tiring, most joy filled day of my life. i was in labor for well over 20 hours. after our little lady came into the world, i felt joy. i felt happiness. i felt love like i had never known. but there was something else that i felt. it was fear. not of what taking care of a baby would be like, but fear that i was not good enough. fear that i would fail. fear that i would suffer from depression & fear of what that meant. our baby girl was an amazing newborn. she barely cried. she slept, she ate, she was tiny and quiet. she was perfect. the first 2 months were great. i felt so busy that i never thought much about myself or how i was doing. when maggie turned 6 weeks old, i lost it. i was always sad. i was always angry. i was always upset. i was hardly happy. i felt very little joy about the blessing that the LORD had given us. i was tired of waking up in the middle of the night, because my depression caused me to just want to sleep. i was tired of feeling sluggish all the time, but to exhausted to do anything about it. i was way to proud to tell anyone how i was doing because i didnt want people to know i had piles of dirty clothes at my house, a sink FULL of dirty dishes a underfed { and under loved} husband, NO food in my house & that i just spent all day wanting to run away and hide from this new life. i wanted everyone to think i was perfect. but oh, was i struggling. i was so upset that i had not lost anymore baby weight, that my body was bigger now than it was while i was pregnant. i had nothing that fit, some maternity clothes even felt small. { i am still unsure of this reason, & still struggling with the way my post pregnant body looks. but i'll save that for another time.} i was angry at God for not giving me a skinny body, an organized home, a 'better' husband, a 'better' baby. i was sinning constantly and to tired to repent. i went to my doctor for my 6 week check up, filled out a survey about post partum depression & they never asked me a single thing about it. so i thought i certainly was not struggling with depression, i must just be 'messed up', tired or crazy. 


after a few weeks we went to some friends house for dinner. it was there that my husband & one of our best couple friends sat me down and told me it was ok that i was sad, that no one would take my baby away from me and that i could get better. that the LORD would work in my life & bring me through this trial. i agreed to go and talk to a doctor. but i never made the appointment.




maggie was 3 months old by now & i was so upset and frantic all the time that i stopped producing milk. i could not nurse my baby enough to feed her. i was so angry about my body not 'working like it should'. i was constantly upset at my baby. i want to be  very clear that i have never, ever hurt my baby.   i struggled with finding joy in her. & in finding joy in the LORD. in fact, i basically just stopped reading and stopped praying. i was so deeply buried in my depression that seeking the LORD was the farthest thing from my mind. one day i was driving maggie to my parents house, and she was screaming nonstop in the car. screaming, screaming, screaming. i could not take it anymore. i screamed with her, tears flooded down my face, i drove faster & screamed the rest of the 2 minutes i had left in the car. i parked the car at my parents house, opened the door and ran inside. between sobs i told them she was screaming and i couldn't deal with it. i sat in a room far away from my baby and cried. i cried because i didnt want my parents to see me like this, because i didnt want my baby to cry, because i didnt want to be sad anymore, & because i was scared that if i told anyone how sad i was that they would take away my little girl. it was that day that i made a doctors appointment. 



i went and started taking an anti depressant. i gave up nursing {another story for a different time} which as hard as it was, was probably the best thing i have done for my baby ever. and things got worse. i was better for a while, but then i hit this wall again. our baby was about 6 months old when i became the saddest. i couldn't find joy in her AT ALL. i hated being a mama. typing those words makes my heart feel gross. but its truth. i confided all these feelings to a 2 friends who encouraged me to seek Jesus, to seek counseling & committed to walking through this with me. it was the best day. i felt the LORD calling me back to him. i could see hope - i could see that there was light at the end of this really dark tunnel. 


nick and i talked really deeply about what i was dealing with, discovered that not only had i been dealing with a deep depression, but i also had been under heavy spiritual oppression. i had been hearing lie after lie, and believing them - causing me to drift farther and farther away from the LORD. he prayed over me, i prayed for me & we started counseling at our church. we have been going for about 3 months now & i have been learning what the gospel really is and how is applies to what i am going through. we have been learning to pray against the enemy. & i have been growing so much closer to Jesus - trusting him more, taking my fears and anxiety to him, learning that this role of mamahood is not easy, but it is still a blessing. i have been gaining wisdom from those around me & sharing this struggle on this blog is scary, but it is just what Jesus wants me to do. to bring this darkness into light. friends, i am not 100% happy all the time. there are many times during the day that i struggle finding joy in being a mama, plenty of times i daydream about my life before our little girl. t struggle with anger when she cries, or when she doesnt do what i want. but God is good. he is sufficient. & he answers when i call out to him.



why am i putting this very deep, very personal struggle on this blog? 
it is not because i want anyone to feel sorry for me, i am not doing it to gain attention. i am doing it because i want you all to know that there are struggling mama's everywhere. i want you all to know that Jesus is the great healer. i want you all to see Christ glorified in my life, i want to be honest and not keep anything locked inside of my heart that could speak to someone else. if you are reading this and you are a new mama and you are struggling with this, please do not be afraid. call out to Jesus, open up to a few close friends, because this is not what our LORD would have for you, and he can carry this heavy burden for you. i preach that to myself everyday. i want to know you, i want to pray for you. i want to hear your story, because sometimes it just feels good to get it all out. 


i have been so blessed. 
blessed by this blog.
blessed by my sweet community.
blessed by my husband.
blessed by my family.
and blessed beyond all measure by my savior. 




i am looking forward to sharing this journey with you all.
i can not wait to have this blog, and my writing to be full of truth, and full of what a joy my daughter is. i truly believe that she is a blessing, and i am falling deeper in love with her every minute. {especially right now, as she giggles at herself eating mango and crackers... and has it all over her self, including her hair.} i am learning to laugh at these moments instead of be discouraged by them. 


and if you are just visiting, please come back, i promise what i have to say is not always this heavy. 
 thank you for listening!

 

how i met my husband - part one.

three years ago today, i met the man who would become my husband.
the story starts a little before we first met. 

this is the first photo that i ever took of nick.

it was late june of 2008 & i had just been heartbroken over the ending of a deeply emotional relationship earlier that year. one of my sweet friends & her husband deeply cared about me & knew my desire to be married & wanted that for me as well. i was young, but felt very strongly a desire to be married. she soon started to tell me about this guy that was in their worship band. i was so not interested. like, really, really not interested. i later found out that they had been talking to him about me as well & he was not that keen on being set up either. i had plans, plans to apply to bible school, plans to travel, plans to do whatever the LORD wanted me to do. my list of things to accomplish was very long. 
she persisted and talked to me about how much he loved Jesus, how funny he was & how we would be perfect for each other. so one day i gave in. i remember sitting in a comfy chair at starbucks, just about to start my shift & we were talking & for some reason i let her send this man i had never met a photo of me. & he sent one back. suddenly everything felt awkward & i felt like a silly girl. i thought for sure that he would never be interested in me, because i was younger than he, & so unsure of who i was becoming. in true 'just out of highschool' fashion, i scoured her facebook for him. i had to know more about this guy who had a photograph of me. {something i learned later was after he received my photo, he asked my sweet friend if she would also be planning our wedding. as a joke. ha!} 

this is the photo i found of him on facebook, that i literally stared at for days while trying to figure out what i thought about the whole situation. 

 

my friends birthday was that weekend & she was throwing a backyard bbq party to celebrate. i was so excited to get to go & so excited to spend time with her & some of our other friends. i never even thought about if he would be there or not. the idea of him even being interested in me seemed so silly, so i didnt even worry about it. the day of her party i woke up late & dashed out the door for church. i didnt even brush my hair. i just wanted to get to church.

 

i remember looking exactly like this. same dress, same hair, no makeup. i showed up to the party & felt right away that something was going to happen. pretty soon, this tall man, with a handsome beard walked in. my heart sank. i was so nervous. at that moment, i really wanted him to like me. i tried to be cool. i tried to be calm, but i get really nervous around new people. i'll never forget the way that my friend introduced us to each other for the first time. she said, " nicholas, this is alexandria" & we shook hands & sat across the deck from each other. i told you that i get silly and nervous around new people, & it was no different this time. i started babbling about the coin collection that i had in my purse. i had a penny from 1880, & some 50 cent pieces & a few 2 dollar bills. i passed them around to anyone who wanted to see them & nick was one of them. it was so silly. typing that makes me sound like such a dork! i ended up not saying anything else to him after that & left the party early. not even an hour after the party was over he had friend requested me on facebook, & then the romance started... but i will save that for another post. 

come back for ' how i fell in love with my husband- part 2' next wednesday. i promise it is a really great love story. ;) 

happy 3 years of knowing each other, sweet wonderful husband man. i'll love you as long as i am alive. 

 

i am perfect. {not really.}

Source: google.com via Jennifer on Pinterest

a few weeks ago our pastor preached this sermon. it was heart opening. i learned a lot about what my idol is.

i never wanted to admit that i am a perfectionist, because i dont think that i am 'good' enough to be one. {that should have been my first clue...} 

but, i try constantly to be perfect at everything. 
like being a women. 
oh, thats a big one. 
i try to have the perfect face,
i dream about the perfect body { & this post baby one is not it.}
i desire the most creative & unique outfits.
i want the best hair.

or, being a wife.
i desire to have the happiest, most well loved husband.
i want to pretend that our marriage is going strong & always
filled with joy.

how about in mamahood.
{oh this is a big one.}
i want my baby to be the first to do everything.
i was going to breastfeed without issues for at least a year.
she will always look 'put together'.
i will never have a breakdown.
i will always have joy in mamahood.
i will never suffer from any form of depression.


when i do not have control over those things, 
when i can not be perfect at them,
my whole world ends.
like i throw a fit like a 2 year old.
i want what i want & i want it now.
i get mad at the LORD.
"how could you not give me that one thing i asked for?!"
i get frustrated at everything around me. 
& everyone.


last week was one of those weeks i want to re do. 
it was a week full of me giving into my idol & worshiping it 
instead of the LORD. 
& it was terrible.


my heart was filled with so much anxiety.
so much fear.
so much anger.
all because:
i. couldnt. be. perfect.

is this what the LORD would have for me?
i think not.
last week while i was crying {literally} in prayer,
i spoke something from the deepest part of my heart to the LORD.
i told him the truth.
& now i'll tell you.
i know i need to give up the idea of 'perfection'
to him, because he asks me to.
because he wants me to worship him & not my idol.
but i dont want to.
because i dont know for sure if he will give me those things
that i desire.
if i give up all the control & all the desires to be perfect to him then i might not be the girl that i want to be. 
i just am not sure if what he has for me is what my flesh would have for me.
{ & to be perfectly honest, he probably has something way better} 


so i prayed. 
i asked the LORD to change my heart.
to help my heart desire to worship him & not perfection or control.
to change my heart to trust in him more than i ever have.

i know & trust that he will. 
& i will continue to pray that i find beauty in my imperfections, find my identity in Christ, to see the beauty in the LORDS perfection, & to grow out of a worship of myself & into a deeper worship of him.