this storm...

so i had plans to write a post about the sermon i heard 2 weeks ago. but the LORD has placed something very different on my heart and in my path. {i will be posting about that sermon soon, its so important.} right now i am feeling very heavy and extremely weary. it is as if my life literally is like the seattle weather: unpredictable, stormy, with scattered rays of sunshine. its like every time i turn around there is something else that i need to pile on my plate. it already feels very full. being a working mama is so H A R D. like really really alot harder than i thought. i am constantly running around trying to keep my head above water. i have not cooked a real dinner in over a week, my laundry is still piled in my living room- unfolded & begging to be put away, my dining room table is covered in paperwork and mail that needs to be filed, i desperately need to grocery shop and do the dishes, i could write my name in the dust on my coffee table, my floor needs a good vacuum, i think we are on our last roll of toilet paper and maggie is almost out of diapers and formula. i have giant suitcases under my eyes from not sleeping well for weeks, along with the signs of a cold that will not go away. the other day while taking a shower i honestly could not remember the last day that i washed my hair. i have dead flowers in a vase from my anniversary 2 weeks ago, and a messy unorganized bathroom. why am i telling you all of this? its so that i can feel transparent,not just so i can 'vent' and feel better, but so you can see who i really am. some people might wonder why i am having a hard time keeping my house clean {it is only 1,060 sqft} its because on top of that list i have emails that need to be written, books that need to be read, a child that needs to be loved, a family that needs to be taken care of, a job that i need to go to, friends that i need to love on, reconciliation that needs to be handled, coffee dates for church membership that need to be scheduled,and a husband that needs to be loved too. oye. friends, how in the world do i do all of this?! i am so weary. i feel like for the past year i have been on a nonstop fast moving ship that keeps heading into stormy seas. i feel like i want to stop the world and scream and cry out to the LORD. i feel like getting away. not running away, but seeking out clarity. spending time to pray, seeking out wisdom from God. but how do i fit that onto my already overflowing plate? nick is amazing. this man deserves an award. he is so helpful and so loving, and so forgiving. he knows that things are hard and helps me in every way that he can, but our little baby is high needs sometimes, and its during those times that its like there is only one of us because someone has to constantly be holding her. it feels very lonely and like you have to bear these tasks by yourself. its hard. {i am really not complaining. just being honest} i am struggling to find out the cause of our daughters fussiness while being sensitive to the advice from others and listening to my own heart. & honestly on days when she is being a total gem, nick & i do not want to spend our evening cleaning, errand running, or cooking, but instead we want to hear our baby girl giggle and squeal with delight, we want to snuggle her and play, we want to cherish all of these moments. i feel like i need to just pause and retreat and rediscover what the LORD would have me do in this season of life. i feel like i am expected to be a certain way and have things taken care of in a certain time frame. i feel a lot of pressure from those around me. what if i do not have the time to deal with some of these tasks? when and how to i put my family above the things that need to get done, and for how long? how do you even begin to start taking things off your plate in an effort to be able to feel sane again? i know that the LORD never gives us more than we can bear, but am i allowed to ask people for grace and time? or must i constantly run myself to this breaking point to make sure i get all these 'things' taken care of in a timely matter? i do not know what the answer is. i do not know what the LORD would have me do. i do know that i need to seek him out and that is what i intend on doing. i do know that i need to prioritize this list, and i think that there are some things that might just have to wait; even if they seem time sensitive and important. i just feel at a loss. there is so much around me that seems to be spinning out of my control. it is reminding me how much i love to hold onto my life and my circumstances. it is reminding me to be still and know that God is God, and that he is the one that gets to choose everything. i feel like i am walking in a storm, and while i know that there are good things on the other side, i still feel like i am in over my head. 

my prayer is to be patient. it is to seek wisdom from the LORD, to prioritize,to draw all my strength from Jesus, to love my husband well in spite of all my mixed up emotions.

thanks for letting me lay it all out, and i am truly amazed if you made it all the way through this post. 

for his glory,
xo,
a