letting go.

this week 3 years ago i met my husband. 
on wednesday you will get the whole story.
i am a huge sucker for romance & i really
love the way the LORD wrote our story, so i 
am really looking forward to sharing it with you all.

the day i became his girlfriend...

sometimes i think about who i was 3 years ago, & see how very different i have become. i often wonder what happened to my free spirit & soul that just wanted to be honest & bare. i think that is what i miss most about the girl i was 3 years ago. 3 years ago i was hurt really badly. i was in a really um, intense dating relationship that the LORD clearly did not want me to be in. i was fighting so hard for it to work, because it was my dream for me & not his plan. during that relationship i lost a huge part of who i had been. very quickly after the relationship ended i bounced back. i became so close to Jesus, because during that extremely hard breakup, he was all i had to cling to. he was the only thing that brought me joy & peace & i felt so comforted by him. it was {&still is} one of my favorite seasons with Him. 

summer 08

i felt like i was finding out who he created me to be all over again. i felt like i was a student of my self. i loved what i found. i loved that the LORD created me to be emotional. & that he created me with a desire that is bigger than i can explain to be open & honest & bare my little soul {no matter how yucky it might be..} but somewhere over the past 3 years i lost little bits of that girl. i became bogged down with my roles of wife & then mama. i stopped finding joy in those things  & started to just act them out as if i was in some silly little drama production. every summer for the past 2 years i have missed that girl. i have had pain in my heart because i want to be her again. but i felt so insecure, so lonely, so afraid that who she was is not good enough for the place i am now. too silly, & too unsure of what others might think. i have missed that feeling of wanting to run barefoot in a field of flowers & not feel any shame in that. i have missed that feeling of pure & honest love for another human & i have missed that huge sense of relief when you just 'let go' & allow the LORD to lead. i want to be lead by him & i want to feel like he is taking me wherever he wants & that i am ok with that. 


but this summer, something is different. 
maybe it is because my husband has challenged me to
let go of all the masks i wear & be honest with those around me.
maybe its because having a baby makes you grow up a little. 
{ok. a lot.}
or because i read all these amazing blogs about amazing women & see that the LORD can use them just as they are for his glory too. 

but this summer, i feel like letting go.
i feel like letting the wind blow in my hair more.
like relaxing & not becoming so 'bogged' down by my roles,
but finding how to do them better & finding out how to find joy in them instead of only seeing whats hard. 
i feel like being barefoot & bare souled.
i feel like i have been in a season of grey & darkness for so long &i am ready to get out & enjoy the fresh air, the sunshine & to understand that it is alright to get out in the open. its ok to share who i really am, & that the LORD doesn't find me silly. he finds me right where i am & loves me just the same.
this summer i want to be like that girl that my husband fell in love with 3 summers ago, but i want to love deeper, think harder, pray more, and live life with a heart full of laughter & joy. i want to slow down to remember the wrinkle on my daughters toe, to remember the face my husband makes when he listens to me share my heart, to remember the promises of provision that the LORD has given us.