i really do not know where to start. or where this blog is going to go. or if i will even publish this. but what i do know is that writing is good for my heart, so thats what i will do.
this week has been terrible. like the worst week of my entire life. ever. and i have had some pretty awful weeks. lets do a quick run down. 4 weeks ago my daughter was happy. she was smiling and sleeping and laughing and joyful. 3 weeks ago while feeding her i discovered that she was no longer nursing for as long as she used to. i noticed that she would pull away and that while she was nursing she would stare up into my eyes with the saddest, most confused eyes i have ever seen. then it started. the screaming. constant non stop yelling. not fussing, not whining, but full on screaming. my daughter doesnt scream. at least not until 3 weeks ago. then the sleeping stopped. i could maybe get a 20 min nap from her 3 times a day, and then at night she went from a whopping average of 7 hours to a puny 3 hours at a time. i tried to stay calm, to not worry. i assumed it was a growth spurt. for her and for me. then i noticed she was constantly hungry, never feeling satisfied. i nursed her every 30 mins for about 6 days. i pumped... nothing, maybe a tiny 3 oz, but not enough. i didnt know what to do. the next week rolled around. my once happy and playful daughter was still screaming. screaming like i was hurting her, for hours, with very little relief. i started to grow very, very weary. she was not sleeping, i was exhausted from nursing her constantly. i was running on empty and so was she. last tuesday we gave maggie a bottle of formula after one of my many nursing sessions. she was content, smiley even. i thought i could give her a few oz here and there to help calm her down for a couple of days. but she just kept on screaming, and not sleeping. it has been 3 weeks. 3 really long, really hard emotional weeks. i love my daughter, and everything that i have written about her is so true. she is amazing. but oh boy is she loud. she is to hard to handle when she is a scream machine. i feel disconnected from her and lost. i fight a constant battle of feeling like a failure as a mama. i feel like by giving my tiny baby formula that i was letting her down. every time i gave her a bottle i would cry( and if you saw me give her one and i was not crying, its because i was (Still am) to proud to cry in front of you.) i am hurting. like intense pain. to not physically be able to provide the food that you once did for your child is probably one of the most difficult things to go through. it hurts like nothing else. my baby has been screaming for 3 weeks. i have tried to look "put together". i have tried to tell everyone that i am alright, that its ok, that i understand that babies do this. but i dont. and i feel like i am falling apart. i have not slept more than 3 hours straight in 3 weeks. not once. i have cried more tears that i ever though i would. i have prayed for wisdom and discernment on how to deal with this. i have consulted doctors, lactation consultants, nurses, friends, and even strangers. and my husband and i have decided that the best thing for our precious daughter is to start supplementing her with formula knowing that soon i am going to stop producing milk and we will have to feed her 100% formula. was this an easy choice for me or for us? NO. NOT AT ALL. i have fought it and fought it. i have drank gallons of tea, taken lots of nasty fenegreek, and a thousand more "tricks" to bring back up my supply. its not happening. and i am heart broken. but do you want to know what else i am? i am proud. and i am honestly so concerned with what all of you are going to think of me. will you think i quit nursing because i have to go back to work and it will be ' easier'? or will you think that i quit because i didnt want to try hard enough? will you judge me based on my all but forced choice? i am so worried about what you will think. how disgustingly sinful am i to put my pride before the health and well being of my daughter? i reek of the sin of pride (and of the smell of soup thanks to the fenegreek). it is so shameful for me to admit all of this. the LORD has been working on this hard selfish heart of mine for years and i can see more cleary now than ever that i need to surrender it all to him. so please, dont judge me, please pray for me. pray for my heart that it will heal from the brokeness and the saddness that this has brought me, pray that my husband can stay strong for me and our baby, pray that the LORD can continue to work in my selfish heart and help me to lay it down at his feet for good. because that is what i am doing.
i still do not know why my beautiful 3 month old daughter is screaming at least 50% of her awake time. i still do not know why she is not sleeping. i still do not feel like i am going to make it through tomorrow. this week has been terrible. the worst. i can not wait for it to be over. i can only pray that next week doesnt look the same, or sound the same for that matter. i feel like i am running on empty. i feel so overwhelmed. i feel like i have never prayed so much in my life. this mama is tired, she is worn out, she has lost joy, she has forgotten how to laugh. she has not washed her hair in a week ( gross i know). this mama feels ready to throw in the towel, but i know that the LORD has not given me more than i can handle. i know that Jesus cares for me more than the sparrows or the lilies. i am resting in him when i can. i am unloading to him when i can. but i am not doing a very good job. i dont know what the point of posting this is. it is certainly not to allow strangers into the hardest parts of my life. it is certainly not to throw a huge pity party for myself, but like i said, writing is good for my heart and i dont write this blog for you, but for me and my family to read years from now. i dont know how to end this, except for asking for your prayers. oh how i miss my darling daughter. oh how i love her even when she is screaming. ( and even when it doesnt feel like i do.) oh how gracious the LORD is to me. thats all.