i am perfect. {not really.}

Source: google.com via Jennifer on Pinterest

a few weeks ago our pastor preached this sermon. it was heart opening. i learned a lot about what my idol is.

i never wanted to admit that i am a perfectionist, because i dont think that i am 'good' enough to be one. {that should have been my first clue...} 

but, i try constantly to be perfect at everything. 
like being a women. 
oh, thats a big one. 
i try to have the perfect face,
i dream about the perfect body { & this post baby one is not it.}
i desire the most creative & unique outfits.
i want the best hair.

or, being a wife.
i desire to have the happiest, most well loved husband.
i want to pretend that our marriage is going strong & always
filled with joy.

how about in mamahood.
{oh this is a big one.}
i want my baby to be the first to do everything.
i was going to breastfeed without issues for at least a year.
she will always look 'put together'.
i will never have a breakdown.
i will always have joy in mamahood.
i will never suffer from any form of depression.


when i do not have control over those things, 
when i can not be perfect at them,
my whole world ends.
like i throw a fit like a 2 year old.
i want what i want & i want it now.
i get mad at the LORD.
"how could you not give me that one thing i asked for?!"
i get frustrated at everything around me. 
& everyone.


last week was one of those weeks i want to re do. 
it was a week full of me giving into my idol & worshiping it 
instead of the LORD. 
& it was terrible.


my heart was filled with so much anxiety.
so much fear.
so much anger.
all because:
i. couldnt. be. perfect.

is this what the LORD would have for me?
i think not.
last week while i was crying {literally} in prayer,
i spoke something from the deepest part of my heart to the LORD.
i told him the truth.
& now i'll tell you.
i know i need to give up the idea of 'perfection'
to him, because he asks me to.
because he wants me to worship him & not my idol.
but i dont want to.
because i dont know for sure if he will give me those things
that i desire.
if i give up all the control & all the desires to be perfect to him then i might not be the girl that i want to be. 
i just am not sure if what he has for me is what my flesh would have for me.
{ & to be perfectly honest, he probably has something way better} 


so i prayed. 
i asked the LORD to change my heart.
to help my heart desire to worship him & not perfection or control.
to change my heart to trust in him more than i ever have.

i know & trust that he will. 
& i will continue to pray that i find beauty in my imperfections, find my identity in Christ, to see the beauty in the LORDS perfection, & to grow out of a worship of myself & into a deeper worship of him.