i am perfect. {not really.}

a few weeks ago our pastor preached this sermon. it was heart opening. i learned a lot about what my idol is.

i never wanted to admit that i am a perfectionist, because i dont think that i am 'good' enough to be one. {that should have been my first clue...} 

but, i try constantly to be perfect at everything. 
like being a women. 
oh, thats a big one. 
i try to have the perfect face,
i dream about the perfect body { & this post baby one is not it.}
i desire the most creative & unique outfits.
i want the best hair.

or, being a wife.
i desire to have the happiest, most well loved husband.
i want to pretend that our marriage is going strong & always
filled with joy.

how about in mamahood.
{oh this is a big one.}
i want my baby to be the first to do everything.
i was going to breastfeed without issues for at least a year.
she will always look 'put together'.
i will never have a breakdown.
i will always have joy in mamahood.
i will never suffer from any form of depression.

when i do not have control over those things, 
when i can not be perfect at them,
my whole world ends.
like i throw a fit like a 2 year old.
i want what i want & i want it now.
i get mad at the LORD.
"how could you not give me that one thing i asked for?!"
i get frustrated at everything around me. 
& everyone.

last week was one of those weeks i want to re do. 
it was a week full of me giving into my idol & worshiping it 
instead of the LORD. 
& it was terrible.

my heart was filled with so much anxiety.
so much fear.
so much anger.
all because:
i. couldnt. be. perfect.

is this what the LORD would have for me?
i think not.
last week while i was crying {literally} in prayer,
i spoke something from the deepest part of my heart to the LORD.
i told him the truth.
& now i'll tell you.
i know i need to give up the idea of 'perfection'
to him, because he asks me to.
because he wants me to worship him & not my idol.
but i dont want to.
because i dont know for sure if he will give me those things
that i desire.
if i give up all the control & all the desires to be perfect to him then i might not be the girl that i want to be. 
i just am not sure if what he has for me is what my flesh would have for me.
{ & to be perfectly honest, he probably has something way better} 

so i prayed. 
i asked the LORD to change my heart.
to help my heart desire to worship him & not perfection or control.
to change my heart to trust in him more than i ever have.

i know & trust that he will. 
& i will continue to pray that i find beauty in my imperfections, find my identity in Christ, to see the beauty in the LORDS perfection, & to grow out of a worship of myself & into a deeper worship of him.


  1. This post is encouraging! Thank you for sharing what God is teaching you, old friend. Looking forward to hearing how He answers your prayers!

  2. Hi! I just found your blog and I love it! ;) I love your thoughts and how honest you are. You aren't alone! We go to the same church too!!! Great sermon!!! Your family is beautiful!


please say hello & leave your sweet thoughts!