let the redeemed of the Lord say so.

i have been trying to write this post for months. literally months. each time i have thought about sharing my heart, i feel like the words will not come. but i can not wait any longer. because Jesus has done some amazing work and i am not about to let a chance to give him glory slip from my fumbling fingers. 


if you have been reading this blog for a while, you might remember last summer when i posted this. {if you have not read it, i encourage you to, because what i am about to say will make so much more sense if you do.} i'll tell you, putting my heart out like that was so freeing. it was scary. there were hard conversations that had to happen afterwards. but Jesus was so clear in asking me to share my experience that i felt no shame, or guilt for sharing. 
every moment since i hit publish on that post i have felt thankful that Jesus would use this hard,terrible experience to do good in my life. i have not felt shame or fear in knowing that anyone could find out that i suffered from severe postpartum depression. in fact, nick and i are able to share that with nearly anyone who asks us how pregnancy or our first year of parenthood was. i am not ashamed. i am thankful.

why do we often share this struggle with those around us? 
certianly not for our own benefit. we share this struggle because in this trial, God gets all the glory. he gets the fame. it has nothing to do with me, but has everything to do with his grace, his love, his redemption, and his ability to make beautiful things from garbage. 

since last august when i wrote that post, Jesus has nonstop been working in my life. i have had hard, dark days. but He is my light. i have had anger, at myself, my husband, my circumstances, my daughter, and my community {or lack of because i had done a pretty good job at pushing people out, and trying to allow them back in is harder than i thought.} but Jesus has been my joy. it has not always been easy, but it has always been worth it. 

back in april i attended a training day at our church {i have mentioned it quite a few times..} that day was a huge blessing for me. because on that day in april i heard from Jesus, i saw this door closing and a new one opening. i watched as he held my hand and walked me out of the chapter of deep despair and into a chapter of deep joy. my heart was full. it was over. the darkest season i had known was over. 
i could ugly cry all over again thinking about it. i could shout and jump up and down thinking that Jesus has redeemed me. Jesus so tenderly walked by my side, while i was literally kicking and screaming. but it is over. He saved me. again. 

i am with my daughter every single day. 
i have hard days. every mama does. 
days where i am totally over parenting.
totally over the word, "no".
and totally over the crying.
but they are nothing, nothing at all like they were last year.
i call upon Jesus every day. He gives me stregnth. 

i am with my daughter every single day.
i fall deeper in love with her all the time.
i love her so much it overwhelms me.
i have that love that i once only read about, but never felt.
the love that a mama has for their child. i have that now.
i feel connected to maggie.
finally.
she trusts me.
she is not afraid of me.
i intend to keep it that way. 

i look back on her newborn days.
i wish more than anything i could re experince them with her.
i want to hold that tiny girl and love the heck out of her.
i want to love her like i do now. 
i cant make her stop growing. i cant turn back the time. 
what i can do is know that the story of the first year of her life is not all glitter and sunshine, but it is dark and broken. 
and i pray that in that it is in that brokenness that she see's Jesus, and comes to him. i pray that anyone who reads my story see's His glory, and not me. " my life is hid with Christ on high." i want my life to be the last thing you see in this, but His GLORY to be what shines first. it is not about me. it is not about my story. it is all about Jesus and His story, i am just living it out. 

the Bible tells the redeemed of the Lord to say so. 
psalm 107 is a beautiful passage that so clearly says what i feel. it starts with exactly what my heart wants to share.

     Oh give thanks to the LORD, for he is good,
        for his steadfast love endures forever!
    Let the redeemed of the LORD say so,
        whom he has redeemed from trouble
(Psalm 107:1-2 ESV)

i want you to know, that He is good. so, so good. He is tender. He continually seeks out his flock, even when they are running so hard and so fast in the other direction. and if you have been redeemed, SAY SO. there is so much freedom, and so much excitement in sharing what Jesus has done in your life. 

i am thankful to tell you today, that i am no longer suffering with PPD. i am thankful to tell you today that i am no longer under a heavy spiritual oppression. that my relationship with my husband is better than i could have imagined after the storm it weathered last year. that my relationship with my daughter is a dream. she is amazing and has taught me more in the past 20 months than i could have imagined. and i am more than thankful to tell you today that my relationship with Jesus is alive. its moving and growing instead of withering and dying. it has been a challenge. but it is stronger than it was last year at this time. He is teaching me so much about how without him, life is messy and toxic and complicated. and that with Him it is all of those things but with hope, and grace, and a savior who loves. we sing this song at church often, and every time i sing these words to Jesus my heart just breaks in worship, " oh, the love that sought me, oh, the blood that bought me, oh the grace that brought me to the fold of God" He NEVER gives up, He never gave up on me. He loves me so tenderly and so deeply. 

i know so many new mama's, and i look at all their sweet pictures of the first days of mamahood. i want to hug them all, and tell them all that mamahood is not always what you thought it would be, and that if it hurts and is hard to please talk about it. i want to hug them all and tell them that if it doesnt hurt and it is not hard, and they are full to the top with joy, to praise Jesus for that. to be thankful for that joy. i look at all those pictures and i look forward to the day that i will again be that new mama posting sweet pictures of my new baby, and i pray that i will be filled with the Joy of the Lord. that if we are blessed with another baby, that i would surrender my fears, my anxiety and my depression to him and not be ashamed by it if i struggle again, but to use it as an opportunity to run into the arms of Jesus instead of out.  

Friends, Jesus is good. 

His love is sweet.

This is all for his glory.