i promised i would be back. oh this day has been a wreck.
maggie woke up all sorts of cranky, threw the monitor at my face & so i promptly put her back to sleep. . that girl is so firey when she is cranky. i am praying the LORD gives me so much grace for her as she starts getting bigger, so i can be ready for the 'terrible twos'.
i have been feeling really anxious this week.
& i have been really good at giving all that anxiety to the LORD.
which is a huge step for me because i used to just hold on so tight to the anxiety and let it eat me alive.
wanna know what i have been most anxious about?
i have not talked about money very much on this blog. but lets just say that we felt like Jesus was leading me to stay at home with maggie and quit my job at starbucks about 6 months ago. when i quit my job it was not because we could totally make it just on my husbands salary, but because we felt like God was asking us to walk in obedience to something he had called us to. it didnt and still doesnt make much sense. but we have been walking in faith and trusting that the Lord will supply our every need. and he has. its been amazing.
but this month fear, doubt and anxiety have set in.
its almost the holidays, maggie turns 1 this month, our tabs expire on one of our cars, maggie has had to go to the dr for an infection, i got a speeding ticket on my way to that dr appointment (which i received in the mail earlier this week), our rent went up $50, i dropped my cell phone in a puddle while taking a grocery cart back in the pouring rain on wednesday.. the list could go on and on. i feel like this list of unexpected things is just going to get longer and longer. i am not saying that we are like really, really struggling, we are living comfortably. we have food, and clothes and we go on a few dates a month... but i just find myself getting anxious about all of these things!
one of the things that i am convicted about through all of this is that i hold money as an idol. & i dont have a problem admitting that. its an embarrassing idol, but the truth is, i worship money and feel like i find some of my value in it.
i have been learning a lot lately about finding my identity in Christ and knowing that no matter what happens i have Jesus. so, if i dont have money to redesign my blog like i want, or money to buy all the things i put in my favorites on etsy, that it doesnt define who i am. in the same way that it doesnt define who i am if i have 50 followers or 500 followers, if i get 10 comments on a picture i put on facebook, or 0 comments, or if i am wearing really cute fashionable clothes, or if my hair looks like all the pictures i pinned on pinterest. my identity comes from Jesus and what he thinks of me is all that matters. & he loves me more than anyone else, he values me more than he values the sparrows. i feel so much peace in that.
i have been praying all week for God to help me through this anxiety, because i think that its good for me to go through this, to lean on the LORD and to ask him for help and guidance. & he keeps bringing me back to all the wonderful, happy and joyful things that are in my life.
i had a little cryfest with God today about how i am angry at him that we dont have a house, or a new car, i was angry that i couldnt just walk into target and buy all the cute new clothes that i wanted for nick, myself and maggie. truth be told, it felt really good to talk to God like that. it felt really good to just tell him that i was angry, ask him to forgive me for my anger and for a heart that is content with the things that i do have.
i am going to keep praying those prayers, reading those verses and loving Jesus despite our bank account. i am going to trust him and walk bodly in faith on this road that he has us on.
honestly, i am not sure if this little post will make much sense to anyone else. & if it doesnt, i am sorry. i am trying to get my groove back with writing. :) thanks for being a reader. it means more to me than you all know.