Not a fighter

Something is stirring up inside me. The day's blend together and I'm so exhausted I can't hardly keep my head above water. Two really needy kids, a part time job, and an anxiety/phobia that rules my life makes everything feel like I'll never be joyful again. That sounds dramatic, and it is, but it's also true. Maggie is playing at the park and I figured out how to blog on my phone while Molly sits peacefully in the stroller enjoying the cool breeze on her face. I love to watch it blow through her strawberry blonde hair and laugh to myself at how black her hair once was. Usually I would journal these thoughts, but today I feel like sharing. I don't feel scared about you reading my thoughts, a little insecure but that's not new. I start counseling tonight and I feel all kinds of fragile and free. I've been anxious for weeks, months actually, but the last 2 weeks have felt like I was training for a panic attack marathon that I didn't want to run. Can you relate to waking each morning with crying kids who didn't sleep well and a mind that couldn't think of anything but the things you are so fearful of? Or going to bed with a stomach ache from spending the entire day engulfed in fear and panic? It's as if I've been riding a horrible roller coaster and no one will let me off. 

My chiropractor, who adjusts my heart more often than he adjusts my spine , keeps telling me to journal and to get outside each day, and I've been trying. The journaling part is hard to find time for, so I try to get little notes on my phone as often as I can, and to be honest getting outside has been tough because I never have a place to go, but deeper than that it's been tough because today I learned that I'm a hider not a fighter, and it's easier to close the blinds and drink cup after cup of hot coffee than it is to get out of my comfort zone. 

I am a hider. When life gets hard I retreat. I run away, grab all the cute bandages I can find to cover up the mess and I desperately try to keep my distance from people because it's so much easier than accidentally unpacking my mess. I'm a hider because I don't want to fight hard for my health or my joy. If it doesn't come easily to me, I just curl up into a ball instead of getting brave and fighting. I don't try hard for anything because I'm so certain I'll fails d be awkward that nothing is worth feeling those negative,shameful feelings. I don't interact with people because I'm so deeply afraid of looking silly, I feel like everyone who looks at me can see how weak and unwilling to fight I am. I'm scared to do almost anything and I'm pretty sure when God said he hasn't given us a spirit of fear he was talking about this. He surely doesn't want me to be a hider. He told me I could've strong and fight. Stand firm and be courageous because he is with me wherever I go. Today I don't feel like hiding, but fighting. 
I'm fighting for my health, fighting for my joy, for my kids, for my husband and
 for myself. I feel expectant and hopeful at the work Jesus is going to do in me, and I feel ready to stop hiding it and hopefully share it in case you are in this space too. Today, I'm going to start fighting and start living and if I forget and fall back, I'll have these words to reflect on as I push to be more brave, because I think that's what He wants when He says to live life abundantly. 


  1. Ally,

    You don't know me and I have never commented, but I absolutely loved this post. I spent so much of my life being a hider. I still wouldn't label myself as a fighter in the traditional sense, but I would label myself as empowered by the Holy Spirit. He fights for me when I am weak, and I know that in my weakness, He and His power are perfect- and THAT is the fight I am in. The fight to allow Him to be perfect. The fight to allow Him to fight for me. The fight to allow Him full access to my heart. The fight to allow Him to wreck my world for what will ultimately be for His glory and my good.... That is what labels me a fighter. Sometimes fighting is easy, and surrendering control is hard. The desire to want to be liked and heard and loved for who we are, and to give up control of hiding so we don't have to feel rejection and shame and sadness- it is hard. Jesus is so easy to love and He will always catch us. He is more than enough for us. I am so thankful I know Him personally.

    thank you for sharing your heart today!!!

  2. Oh ally! my heart cries out alongside so much of what you have said. I think I am a hider too and I have definitely built my life and my identity on top of a foundation of fear. It is such a hard and destructive foundation to tear down. I have found so much help and hope in counseling, and so much peace and joyful surrender in worship. You are brave to be vulnerable and I hope you continue to share, even if it's not on the world wide web. Don't hide sweet ally!


please say hello & leave your sweet thoughts!