My chiropractor, who adjusts my heart more often than he adjusts my spine , keeps telling me to journal and to get outside each day, and I've been trying. The journaling part is hard to find time for, so I try to get little notes on my phone as often as I can, and to be honest getting outside has been tough because I never have a place to go, but deeper than that it's been tough because today I learned that I'm a hider not a fighter, and it's easier to close the blinds and drink cup after cup of hot coffee than it is to get out of my comfort zone.
I am a hider. When life gets hard I retreat. I run away, grab all the cute bandages I can find to cover up the mess and I desperately try to keep my distance from people because it's so much easier than accidentally unpacking my mess. I'm a hider because I don't want to fight hard for my health or my joy. If it doesn't come easily to me, I just curl up into a ball instead of getting brave and fighting. I don't try hard for anything because I'm so certain I'll fails d be awkward that nothing is worth feeling those negative,shameful feelings. I don't interact with people because I'm so deeply afraid of looking silly, I feel like everyone who looks at me can see how weak and unwilling to fight I am. I'm scared to do almost anything and I'm pretty sure when God said he hasn't given us a spirit of fear he was talking about this. He surely doesn't want me to be a hider. He told me I could've strong and fight. Stand firm and be courageous because he is with me wherever I go. Today I don't feel like hiding, but fighting.
I'm fighting for my health, fighting for my joy, for my kids, for my husband and
for myself. I feel expectant and hopeful at the work Jesus is going to do in me, and I feel ready to stop hiding it and hopefully share it in case you are in this space too. Today, I'm going to start fighting and start living and if I forget and fall back, I'll have these words to reflect on as I push to be more brave, because I think that's what He wants when He says to live life abundantly.