some thoughts this mothers day.

2016 was supposed to be the year i was going to pour myself out for people, but so far its proven to be my most exhausted year yet. i dont know how to do anything anymore it seems and i just feel a constant feeling of failure and weariness. this mothers day i have just struggled with thoughts of not being good enough of a mom and being too much of a person for my girls. i wrote them this letter, and i know they wont understand it for years to come, but i wanted them to know what motherhood has been like for me so far, and how mothering them has been the hardest, but best thing i have ever done, a letter from a mama who struggles with anxiety, and being overwhelmed, and a mama who doesnt ever have her garbage together but is trying to make the best with what she can.

Dear girls, 

every single day when i hear your early morning cries, or hear your bunk bed squeak as you climb down to wake me up i feel equal parts anxious and so in love. you both love to wake up well before the rest of the world and its probably the one thing that drives me the most insane. i used to be a morning person, but the older i get the less i enjoy the hours between 3 and 7 am. you are met every morning by a tired, exhausted mom who can sometimes barely feed you a banana and bowl of oatmeal without raising her voice about something that is really not that big of a deal. you are usually met with a mom who is struggling with some form of being afraid of the day in front of her and not at all ready for the tasks at hand. oh how i long to be that mama who wakes before her children and prepares her heart and mind for the day alongside a very filling and healthy breakfast, but i cant muster up the energy to be that mom and im too scared to try. by the time i have had my first cup of coffee im a little more awake and able to see things through a lens that is not clouded by anxiety, fear and exhaustion. we laugh and giggle as we pull clothes out of the monstrous pile of clean clothes that i hate but cant seem to get a handle on, those giggles sometimes turn into an argument about what to wear because well, girls like to argue about clothes. the tv is usually on, but thats not because i dont love you, but its because sometimes i just need there to be a noise in our house to not feel so alone. you see, motherhood has not come easily to me. it might be the most daunting task i have ever done. i have been left in charge of other peoples children since i was 11 years old and i was pretty good at it, so i thought that motherhood would come so easily. i never thought it would be something that i was scared of, something that i failed at, something that would even be hard. i just imagined that i would birth you and we would live these beautiful lives together. i never expected to be afraid. being a mother has been the only thing i have ever desired to do with my life. i didnt want to go to school, or work, i just wanted to stay at home and be with my kids all the time, which you might think is a strange thing since a lot of the time i say, " i cant do this, i wish i wasnt alone with you all day." because the fear of failing you has become so great. while you play with eachother my heart swells with love for you. how could this two beautiful humans have come from my broken body? sometimes when i look at you both i get so engulfed in your beauty that i can hardly breathe. and sometimes its the beauty i see in you that makes me feel worried. its so hard to be a mother when you feel like you still need your mother to do things for you. i look at your precious faces and think, " but how can i do this? how can i raise you to be a woman when i dont even feel like one?" i wonder how will i ever show you Jesus when somedays i cant seem to find him for myself? when there was just one of you, i struggled to play the mom game. i would go to playdates and bible studies. i tried so hard to have mom friends, but i just ended up feeling like another one of the kids at the play date and that they saw me as another thing to mother, so i quit. i gave up because it was hard, and even though being a mama is hard, i'll never give up on you. but i see how my fear of other moms and my feelings of inadequacy have hurt you, because we never have people over or go anywhere and you guys are desperate for friends and scenery beyond our apartment, and this year i am trying to undo that mess i made.  motherhood for me has been like learning how to do the monkey bars. i stand, staring at all these bars that i have to climb over and i think i'll never be able to do it because i am not strong enough, i'll surely fall and break something, so instead i stand on the sidelines and wait. i keep waiting to jump but im not sure what to do if i fall. i dont want to fail you anymore. i want to be a mother to you that you see as strong and brave but i dont feel like i am either of those things. i push you to jump, to try to do new and hard things because i dont want you to be like me, scared and watching. i want you to live your life to the fullest and to know that you can try and do anything that you want, you both show me that i can be brave and do the hard and scary things right alongside you. was i ready for motherhood 6 years ago when i became one? i would say no. i had no idea what it meant to be a mother, other than keeping you alive. i had no idea how scared i would feel about failing you and raising girls who are not brave and strong, those are my biggest fears. i dont want you to look back and see that your mom was a failure. i want you to see a mother who is trying her best and who loves you more than she ever thought possible. this mothers day, i am not sure if i'll get a gift, or a nap, or anything, but what i know i will get is 2 little girls who push me to be the bravest ever and who make me want to stare my fear in the face and make it leave. you have given me all the gifts i have ever needed by just being you. please dont ever stop with your twirling and your singing, or your hugging and your laughter ( but you can cool it with the crying and the whining and the waking up early if you want...) we can do this together. i'll never be a pinterest mom. our house will likely always be a mess and i cant even promise that i'll always have homemade meals, but i'll never stop telling you that i love and i'll never stop showing you that im broken and needy of our savior.  thank you for giving me the chance to be brave and to trust others and to grow. i need you more than you will ever understand, at least until you are a mama yourself, and i pray when that day comes, you do it with more bravery and grace for yourself because i hope to have (by Gods grace) taught you well. 

love, 

mama.

if this mothers day finds you feeling overwhelmed and anxious, know that you are not alone. i think as mamas we put too much onto ourselves and think that we have to do all the things to be considered a real, worthwhile, mama. but i dont think thats what God wants for his daughters, because i know i dont want mine to strive for perfection, i just want them to try even though they might fail. i never realized how hard motherhood would be when i was just a young girl waiting for the day that i would get to be one, and every hard day and long night im grateful for the chance i get to see the gospel play out in this role (even when im angry and exhausted i am still so grateful) i dont know what motherhood will look like next year, or in 6 years, but i hope its just as real and raw and honest as it is for me now and that i never take it for granted.