brave & needy round 2

2014 was weird.

it was not at all what i expected. 

i feel like i started the year anticipating so many things, and Jesus did so much more.

the first part of 2014 brought a lot of bravery. 

i struggled through the flu season, and made it out alive.

my fears about getting sick were strong, but i made it.

in february of 2014 an incredible lady prayed over me at a womens event, and i took my last daily anti anxiety medication that morning. i recall taking it a few times here and there after that, but the Lord replaced my daily need for that medication with a daily need for him. it was such a glorious gift. 

i struggled a lot during the winter and spring with my desire to have a baby. i cried a lot, i prayed a lot, i was jealous a lot, and i had to dig deep in my heart to unroot some ugly things and ask for Jesus to forgive me for not trusting him. 

i grew a lot in having more joy and more hope. especially in that area of my life. 

late spring and early summer brought car troubles, the blessing of a new (to us!) car, and those long awaited pink lines telling us that we were finally going to bring another baby into our lives. 

i felt so much joy. i felt so much peace and i felt so much boldness for a short time. i did brave things, things that made me nervous. like taking maggie out in public (around germs), and flying on an airplane alone for the first time, and eating more foods, foods i had loved but were afraid of making me sick. i was needy for friends, and i tried to lean on them a lot for help when i was overwhelmed or scared, and i was brave because i did lots of things that made me scared.  i still had no idea what Jesus really meant by being brave and needy though, because i really think that those words were given to me for what happened in our lives this summer and fall. 

i havent talked about it on this blog, or really anywhere on social media, because it didnt really seem right to talk about, but i feel like its time to share a bit now. this summer Jesus asked me to be brave and needy in a whole new way as we watched our church fall apart at the seams. we watched people we love be ignored and mistreated and we had to be brave and make some really hard decisions. we ended up leaving our church and we didnt have a home church for months. Jesus taught me a lot about bravery - about standing up for what you know is right, even when it causes you to lose friendships, and change your whole life. He showed me what it looked like to be needy when i had to come to people i barely knew in tears trying to figure out what was happening. 

as i started to pray over 2015 and ask Jesus what words he wanted me to work through this year, this year that we add a baby, the year that we have all the new things, and all the fun things. Jesus kept saying, "Brave and Needy, sweet girl. you are not finished yet." and i imagined He meant brave in labor and newbornhood, and needy in relationship and service. but the other day all of that turned upside down.

Jesus is asking me to be brave and needy is SO many ways this year. we are needy for so much. so much more than friendships and help cleaning and warm meals. we are needy and i have to be brave in that neediness. i have to be brave as i look at the next 6 weeks, praying and hoping we stay healthy, and we get things done, and our baby stays in my belly and then that i can be brave during labor. brave when i bring a newborn home. brave when i am sad or scared. 

im excited to see what Jesus is going to work out, but i am scared. letting him have control over these areas of my life is hard. i want so badly to stay in control - to buy all the things i see in my instagram feed and on my pinterest - to have the nursery look put together and fancy. to be put together and fancy - but instead Jesus is telling me to stop - he is forcing me to stop.

brave and needy in 2015. brave and needy in a whole new way. brave and needy for community, authenticity, sleep, friendship, wisdom and so many other ways.

what about you? what is your words for this year?