the ache i feel this mothers day.

ive debated about 200 times on if i should write this post or not.

should i share this with an audience?

should i keep it to myself?

its not as big of an issue as it could be. 

i have no right to think i could sympathize with others.

its not a big deal.

(and 10,000 more reasons i should keep my mouth silent)

but today i felt that tugging in my heart. 

that one that Jesus uses to encourage me to be open, because maybe someone out there needs it.

or maybe i need it, and someone out there has the encouragement i am longing for.

so here goes nothing. 

and everything all at once.

i am a mother.

a mother to a sweet, fierce, strong willed, little leader. 

she is the best little girl in my life.

she is my joy. 

she is my frustration.

she is my exhaustion.

she is my sunshine.

i have been asked the question more and more in the last few months.

"are you finished?"

"do you just want one?"

"is she too much for you?"
"when will you have number 2?!"

and each time i know it is asked with the best of intentions.

each time i know there is no sting in their words.

each time it feels like all the air rushes into my body and then out again.

each time there are stinging hot tears about to fall.

because, i want a number 2. 

i want a number 2 so bad it hurts.

literally. 

it took us a long while to decide when the right time to start trying for another baby would be.

i was pretty messed up for a good year after margaret was born, and we were not sure when we would be ready to handle that again.

then there is the issue of money (always the money!).

could we afford it? is it wise? how would it work?

then the pesky anxiety disorder showed up.

i thought it would never be the right time.

nick agreed. 

we prayed and decided now was as good as time as any.

this was july.

i dont know what it is about me, but i expect everything to happen so effortlessly in my life.

truthfully, you would think i had learned by now, that not everything goes according to my plan.

i excitedly took that little test i had hidden away out of a box, and held my breath.

"dear Lord, please"

there were no pink lines.

but i didnt give up, or get sad. it was just the first try. 

i held out hope for August. and then again for September.

and each month after that.

each month that those little pink lines have not shown up, have become increasingly harder.

each month i cry a little bit (or a lot) when i find out i am not pregnant. 

this mothers day is hard. 

in my mind, i had hoped and dreamed to either be carrying a child in my arms

or in my swollen belly on this day. 

it hurts in a way that i cant find words for.

everyday i see pictures of siblings. 

i want that.

everyday i see pictures of baby bumps.

i want that too.

everyday i see announcements for pregnancy.

i deeply want that.

i know its not up to me. 

its up to the Lord.

i would be lying if i said it never bothered me though.

sometimes i get downright angry that its not my turn.

"when Jesus will it be my turn? when will i have something joyful to announce?" 

there is a lot of, " why me? why PPD? why Anxiety and Panic? why struggle in conceiving?"
and those questions are valid. 

and the answer is still the same. 

He is in control, not I. 

this mothers day i wont be waking up to a belly filled with life,

or a newborn by my chest.

but,

i will be waking up to a wild haired 3 year old who calls me, "mommy"

a girl who sometimes asks for a baby, but is thankful for her family of 3.

the lady who made me a mother will be in my arms, and i will rejoice.

rejoice because i have her. 

rejoice that because of her i get to be a mama.

rejoice that even though God has not yet decided to grow our family, there is hope that he might.

this mothers day, please remember the ladies who ache to be called, "mommy" 

the mothers who have miscarried countless little lives.

the mothers who have chosen to kill their unborn child, and now live each day in pain.

the mothers who want more arrows in their quiver but dont have them yet.

the mothers who have lost their children, unexpectedly and too soon. 

pray for the people who have lost their mamas and dont get to buy her a card or thank her for how 

she has impacted their life. 

pray for the new mamas as they might feel overwhelmed in their new roles

pray for the mamas who have children who have walked away and wont celebrate them this year.
pray for them all.

and if you are a mama to 1 or 10 little treasures,
enjoy this day.
let them celebrate you.
you deserve it.
being a mama is hard work. but i dont have to tell you that.
you deserve to be celebrated, and you are- every day by your Jesus who is so thankful for all the hard work you do, the way you raise those little blessing He gave you. He sees you, He is thankful for you.

mothers day is a reminder of my joy and some hurt this year, and its also a reminder that Jesus is in control, He hears my heart and He is the giver of good things, and He gives them in the right time.

Happy Mothers Day, Mamas.
its a privilege to raise these precious gifts.
lets not forget that.