my struggle in friendship.

i remember very clearly the day that the Lord whispered to my heart, " this is going to be a season where i will become your greatest friend." i brushed it off as it was the very last thing in the world i wanted to think about. i didnt want to know what he meant by those words, and honestly im still not in a place where i am excited about them.

this last year has been anything but easy. every day its hard. i dont mean to come off all dramatic and say that this is wrong, and then this is wrong, and then there is this awful thing... but the simple honest truth is that this has been a tough year and a half. i have learned a lot about myself and i think that might be the hardest part - - seeing yourself clearly in a new light. 

i have struggled with friendship pretty much since elementary school. i was never very comfortable around large group of girls. in fact, they gave me intense anxiety. they still do. baby showers and womens ministry make me want to vomit because groups of ladies scare the cuss out of me. im the type of lady who can really only handle about 5 (maximum) really close friends. other than that, i get awkward and say things that dont make sense and talk way way too much. the problem is, in the last 8 years ive struggled in friendship a lot. to the point where hot tears sting my eyes when i see other people have close friendships, they are not always tears of jealousy, but often times tears of pain and hurt.


a few days ago i was reflecting on things with nick and talking about how my heart longs for deep friendship, but how i dont know how to have it. for a long time i thought that my 'friends' were the 'problem' that they didnt care enough, or that they didnt like me, but the more i reflect on the situation, i see its a mixture of that and that i dont really know how to connect with people on that deep level.  

i just feel the need to clarify that if you are reading this and you are my friend , this is no way directed at you. i know i have some real sweet friendships with some incredible Godly women, who encourage and pray for me and i am beyond thankful for these ladies.  this post is more about me and less about you.
 phew. now that i got that off my chest i will continue...

friendship is tricky. it doesnt come natural to me at all. i feel like before i had Maggie, i was a much much better friend. i had more time to focus on my friendships. more time to spend helping out my friends, and going fun places. but now, now i feel like i have no energy. i feel like when i get together with friends with our kids that i am so not focused because im constantly watching my child and making sure she is not getting into mischief, and when we are without kids i feel like i have to talk the whole time or else i will never get to get those thoughts out of my brain. i am a selfish friend at times.
the other truth is that when we talk i feel like i dont have anything to say that is of value, most of my friends either are single, pregnant, or have multiple kids and i dont really fit into any of those life stages very well.... and i dont want to talk about my sweet daughter all the time, i mean, i will... i could talk about her for days without stopping, but sometimes i want to talk about recipes and about the world we live in and about blogs and fashion and tv shows, and sometimes i want to cry about how my heart aches and about how frustrated i am with certain things in my life, and i want to laugh about the things i do in my exhaustion (like almost pour egg whites in my coffee instead of half and half...)
i struggle to get the conversation to go deeper. i dont want to be that person that kisses on the first date so to speak...but i feel like if all i do is small talk with a girlfriend, how will i ever build those deep relationship and gain those friendships that i desire so much?


then i struggle with the lie that no one wants to know me this intimately. no one wants to be the friend who brings the coffee on the bad day, or surprises you with the nail polish when your budget is tight and you need something cheery. satan has me fooled almost daily that this is the truth. i know its hard - we are all trying to live our lives and raise our families and most of us ladies are barely keeping our heads above water, so its not like i have this expectation when it comes to friendship, im just trying to figure out how so many of y'all have it, and i dont.

i remember being a little girl and my mama told me, "treat others they way you would like to be treated" and as i seem to be stuck in this rut of loneliness i can not just keep my eyes on the ladies around me. its imperative that i take a look at myself and see what it is that i can do better, how can i be a friend to those around me? if i treat ladies the same way i desire to be treated, surely thats making progress in creating deep relationships, right?
so, my goal this month is to do 3 things for friends that i would love someone to do for me, and not so that they might do it in return, but so that i might gain a little deeper roots with some ladies and get my eyes off of how im not feeling loved and loving someone else. its true that when we do things for others we feel more joy, thats why its so awesome at Christmas when you get to give things to people.

but the issue is deeper. yesterday i posted a picture of this post on instagram and i received a lot of really helpful feedback. that lots of ladies feel like there is a struggle to make deep relationships. its hard to scratch the small talk and get to the heart of things. the older i get the harder it is for me to connect, and its especially hard for me since i have always struggled with keeping a friendship healthy. i am curious as to why it is so hard for us to connect on that deeper level? what is it that makes friendship feel intimidating or hard?

as i struggle through this area of my life,  i am asking Jesus what He wants friendship to look like for me, praying that the sweet lady friends i do have now will not be just for a season but will stick for the long haul, and asking that He bring an older, more seasoned women/mama to befriend me as well, i know that there is hope. He doesn't want us to be alone, He created us for community. He has proven to be my most loyal friend, the one who is always there, and i am thankful for that.The Bible has so much to say about friendship, and i am excited to learn what Gods Word has to say on this topic.

 I know there will be more thoughts on this, because i want to learn to be a better friend, to love and encourage the ladies in my life more, and to find rest in knowing that sometimes friendship doesnt look the way i think it should, but not to miss the opportunity to go deep with someone (or let them go deep with me) because i am scared. its another area for me to be both brave, and needy.


how do you nurture your friendships?
when life is busy, how do you encourage the ladies in your life?
is it hard for you to build deep relationships too?

lets chat about it in the comments and hopefully learn from one another.

**if anyone has original sources for these photos, please let me know so i can be sure to give proper credit!**


  1. You are speaking right to my heart. I'm choked even knowing I'm not the only one struggling.

    I've been living in my current city for 2 1/2 years and I still don't feel like I have any real friends. It's really hard. It's really hard not to let it get to you too.

    I feel like I'm an awesome thoughtful friend but never find it in return.

    I like your plan.
    I feel like God is whispering the same thing to me too. About being my bestie right now. The other day I decided to stop letting it hurt me and to just give in to this season the Lord has me in.

    Beautiful post.

  2. Girl, I can't tell you how many times this year I've been weepy because I want to be liked and from feeling lonely even when surrounded by people.

    I've also experienced days of depression and immense loneliness for the past, oh, 4-5 years? Maybe longer?

    I've been playing the "be the friend you want" card for years and frankly I'm tired and angry of pursuing other women and feeling rejected. I feel pathetic and desperate, running around begging someone to like me. For once, I'd like it if someone just spontaneously liked me and asked me to coffee or started a convo with me and was interested in getting to know me instead of feeling like I have to be the one chasing others down.

    I don't have any answers or solutions other than my newly raw heart that used to be numb and hard is bleeding all over everyone and everything lately and it's forcing me to Jesus for healing. Sorry if I bleed on you ;)

  3. Man, I don't even know where to start. First of all, I love you, and your transparency, openness, and honesty has been SUCH a huge encouragement to me, and you are leading such a great example.

    Unlike you, I find it really easy to be in large groups of women, but I usually like to sit and observe, not really contributing much to the coversation. Because of this, I really struggle to make deep friendships because I get really uncomfortable talking one on one with people (my introverted nature). I do not show emotion well, and I find it REALLY hard to be honest with people about what I'm feeling.
    Like you, I am of the opinion that no one really cares about me- but not in a "whoa is me, no one loves me" kind of way, but in a "i really want to post on facebook about what a good day I had, but that's boring and nobody really cares about that" kind of way. I still think this is true (i'm not sure it IS true, but my brain thinks it's true), so it's hard for people to get to know me because I think no one cares about what I have to say. (which is why your openness is such a blessing to me).
    I'm kind of opposite of you in that when I find a lady who I feel I can be really good friends with, I invest 110% in that relationship, but then I get let down really easily when my expectations of that relationship aren't met. Then I get discouraged, get upset that I don't have friends, then the cycle starts over.
    Also like you, I don't really have anyone that's in my life stage. A lot of my friends are single or have kids, or live in a different state. This also makes it hard to have the friendship I want. My husband is by best friend, of course, but a lady needs another lady to talk to, you know?

    All this to say, we all struggle with this. It's great to be openinly talking about it, and I'm so glad for your bravery.

  4. I feel like I could write a blog post in response to this ;) As always, I love your honesty. I think it's one of your best qualities, your ability to be transparent. I think that if you have 5 close friends, you are very blessed! As I've gotten older, I've realized that as a wife and mama I can't maintain many close friendships. My favorite ladies are the ones who give me grace and love me in this season with understanding and encouragement. Keep writing, my friend! And enjoy your close friends.

  5. Alli, thank you for this post. I feel the same way, like there is something wrong with me. Leaving my home and moving away just makes me feel even more lonely sometimes. I know that relationships take time to develop but there was apparently a false sense of 'friendship' present previously in my life. I don't feel like I left anything much of significance behind. I have a couple close friends, and I do feel blessed. Those who truly cared, did come alongside me when it mattered. People I thought were friends didn't even take the time to say goodbye-- I spent many days/nights by myself. I got lots of "We'll miss you's" which is such an empty platitude. I know I need to use this time to cleave to Jesus, and allow Him to shape me during this trial, and that He will provide for my needs, and I am to work on being who He needs me to be for others. Thank you for sharing this, it makes me feel better that I am not alone in this struggle.

  6. Your words echo in that deeply lonely place in my heart. That place that longs for someone who truly knows me.

    We are moving again. My 15th move in almost 17 years. It is so difficult to make friends when the longest I've lived in one home is not even 4 years.

    All that to say, thank you for sharing this.


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