my struggle in friendship.

i remember very clearly the day that the Lord whispered to my heart, " this is going to be a season where i will become your greatest friend." i brushed it off as it was the very last thing in the world i wanted to think about. i didnt want to know what he meant by those words, and honestly im still not in a place where i am excited about them.

this last year has been anything but easy. every day its hard. i dont mean to come off all dramatic and say that this is wrong, and then this is wrong, and then there is this awful thing... but the simple honest truth is that this has been a tough year and a half. i have learned a lot about myself and i think that might be the hardest part - - seeing yourself clearly in a new light. 

i have struggled with friendship pretty much since elementary school. i was never very comfortable around large group of girls. in fact, they gave me intense anxiety. they still do. baby showers and womens ministry make me want to vomit because groups of ladies scare the cuss out of me. im the type of lady who can really only handle about 5 (maximum) really close friends. other than that, i get awkward and say things that dont make sense and talk way way too much. the problem is, in the last 8 years ive struggled in friendship a lot. to the point where hot tears sting my eyes when i see other people have close friendships, they are not always tears of jealousy, but often times tears of pain and hurt.

a few days ago i was reflecting on things with nick and talking about how my heart longs for deep friendship, but how i dont know how to have it. for a long time i thought that my 'friends' were the 'problem' that they didnt care enough, or that they didnt like me, but the more i reflect on the situation, i see its a mixture of that and that i dont really know how to connect with people on that deep level.  

i just feel the need to clarify that if you are reading this and you are my friend , this is no way directed at you. i know i have some real sweet friendships with some incredible Godly women, who encourage and pray for me and i am beyond thankful for these ladies.  this post is more about me and less about you.
 phew. now that i got that off my chest i will continue...

friendship is tricky. it doesnt come natural to me at all. i feel like before i had Maggie, i was a much much better friend. i had more time to focus on my friendships. more time to spend helping out my friends, and going fun places. but now, now i feel like i have no energy. i feel like when i get together with friends with our kids that i am so not focused because im constantly watching my child and making sure she is not getting into mischief, and when we are without kids i feel like i have to talk the whole time or else i will never get to get those thoughts out of my brain. i am a selfish friend at times.
the other truth is that when we talk i feel like i dont have anything to say that is of value, most of my friends either are single, pregnant, or have multiple kids and i dont really fit into any of those life stages very well.... and i dont want to talk about my sweet daughter all the time, i mean, i will... i could talk about her for days without stopping, but sometimes i want to talk about recipes and about the world we live in and about blogs and fashion and tv shows, and sometimes i want to cry about how my heart aches and about how frustrated i am with certain things in my life, and i want to laugh about the things i do in my exhaustion (like almost pour egg whites in my coffee instead of half and half...)
i struggle to get the conversation to go deeper. i dont want to be that person that kisses on the first date so to speak...but i feel like if all i do is small talk with a girlfriend, how will i ever build those deep relationship and gain those friendships that i desire so much?

then i struggle with the lie that no one wants to know me this intimately. no one wants to be the friend who brings the coffee on the bad day, or surprises you with the nail polish when your budget is tight and you need something cheery. satan has me fooled almost daily that this is the truth. i know its hard - we are all trying to live our lives and raise our families and most of us ladies are barely keeping our heads above water, so its not like i have this expectation when it comes to friendship, im just trying to figure out how so many of y'all have it, and i dont.

i remember being a little girl and my mama told me, "treat others they way you would like to be treated" and as i seem to be stuck in this rut of loneliness i can not just keep my eyes on the ladies around me. its imperative that i take a look at myself and see what it is that i can do better, how can i be a friend to those around me? if i treat ladies the same way i desire to be treated, surely thats making progress in creating deep relationships, right?
so, my goal this month is to do 3 things for friends that i would love someone to do for me, and not so that they might do it in return, but so that i might gain a little deeper roots with some ladies and get my eyes off of how im not feeling loved and loving someone else. its true that when we do things for others we feel more joy, thats why its so awesome at Christmas when you get to give things to people.

but the issue is deeper. yesterday i posted a picture of this post on instagram and i received a lot of really helpful feedback. that lots of ladies feel like there is a struggle to make deep relationships. its hard to scratch the small talk and get to the heart of things. the older i get the harder it is for me to connect, and its especially hard for me since i have always struggled with keeping a friendship healthy. i am curious as to why it is so hard for us to connect on that deeper level? what is it that makes friendship feel intimidating or hard?

as i struggle through this area of my life,  i am asking Jesus what He wants friendship to look like for me, praying that the sweet lady friends i do have now will not be just for a season but will stick for the long haul, and asking that He bring an older, more seasoned women/mama to befriend me as well, i know that there is hope. He doesn't want us to be alone, He created us for community. He has proven to be my most loyal friend, the one who is always there, and i am thankful for that.The Bible has so much to say about friendship, and i am excited to learn what Gods Word has to say on this topic.

 I know there will be more thoughts on this, because i want to learn to be a better friend, to love and encourage the ladies in my life more, and to find rest in knowing that sometimes friendship doesnt look the way i think it should, but not to miss the opportunity to go deep with someone (or let them go deep with me) because i am scared. its another area for me to be both brave, and needy.

how do you nurture your friendships?
when life is busy, how do you encourage the ladies in your life?
is it hard for you to build deep relationships too?

lets chat about it in the comments and hopefully learn from one another.


**if anyone has original sources for these photos, please let me know so i can be sure to give proper credit!**