i am a writer.

 sitting in a coffee shop, staring out the window at the rain falling. thankful that my husband is at home putting our girl down for a nap, thankful that a friend is on her way to visit with me, thankful that the barista suggested espresso/vanilla whip cream on my americano. i lifted the familiar screen of my laptop and let my fingers find their place on the keys.

lately i have been struggling with writing this blog. ive thought countless times this year about how i am no good at posting, no good at staying consistent and learning to give myself grace and stop beating myself up about how much of a blogger i am not. 

if i am being real with you, i would tell you that deep down inside i want to be seen as a blogger. 

i want y'all to share my words and my heart on facebook. i want my words to mean something. i want them to influence and challenge others. the fear that they dont bothers me way more than it should. because it shouldn't bother me at all.

4 years ago when i discovered the world of blogging, it was absolutely a community i felt drawn to. i read their words every day. i soaked up all they had to say. i had dreams of being a real blogger someday.
 a year later when Maggie was born i found the world of mommy blogs, and soaked up all the sweet pictures of mamas and their little babes. i soaked up the words of other sleep deprived first time mamas and finally felt that i wasnt alone, that there were other ladies like me, who still were interested in crafting and fashion and hair even if they didnt have the time for it anymore. blogging has always felt so natural and right to me.  so why do i feel constantly like i dont measure up? why does it matter so much to me what you think of me and my words?

i remember being in the 3rd grade and having creative writing every other day for a half an hour and having that be my favorite part of the day, i would finally get to write - to use my words to tell a story that i had made up, or experienced. it made me feel alive.  i wrote about things that were hard, i wrote about things that were true, and about things that i could only imagine. i never felt like  more like 'me' than when i was writing. it is still that way. when life is heavy and hard, give me a notebook and a pencil and let me write, when life is exciting and fresh - there is no shortage on my words. my dream job was always to be a mama, a teacher and a writer.  by Gods grace i get to do all those things.

i think a lot about this blog.  i dont write as much as i want too - mostly because i am scared that you wont like what i say. i watch other blogs grow, and people build relationships and i think, " this is not happening for me, so maybe im just no good. " and maybe i am not. maybe i will never be a 'blogger' but i know that i'll always be a writer. God has gifted me the ability to find words for any situation - and maybe those words dont mean anything to you, or maybe they do, but i am learning to write more confidently , because i know that God can use my words to influence those who read them if He wants.


i might never be considered a blogger, and this space might sit quiet and untouched for weeks or months. there will probably always be grammer and spelling errors, because the words usually come out faster than i can catch mistakes. there might never be a following of this blog, or a real sense of community for me, but i'll never stop writing.