brave & needy in 2014.

last year i picked the word simplify for my word of the year. i had high hopes of what that would look like and honestly i dont think i achieved any of them over the year. in fact. i think that 2013 was the most complicated, least simplified year of my life. unless you count Jesus striping me down to bare bones and simplifying the truth that i need him desperately - and i suppose i can and should count that, therefore not making my word of the year a total bust. thats probably the most simplifying thing i needed last year- was to see my deep gaping need for the honest truth of the gospel.

this year, it could not have been more clear to me what word to pick - the only word that i think at least 1000 times a day. the word God laid on my heart months ago. 

brave.

i want to be brave, a brave woman who trusts her Jesus more and knows He is truly with her. a brave woman who knows its okay to be still and silent when hardships come - even when they come with fury - because He (Jesus) has already one. the battle is over and He wins. every.single.time. 

i want to be a brave wife. a wife who seeks after her husbands heart even when it seems scary. a wife who is not affraid of what is to come, but can come alongside and encourage and support and love the man God has chosen to lead her. 

i want to be a brave mama. a mama who is not fearful of what other mama's think. a mama who is not fearful of all the hurt and pain that will be caused in her sweet precious daughters life. a mama who can carry a baby in her belly and be brave enough to trust God with everything, when and if that time comes for us. 

i want to be a brave friend. a friend who is not afraid of asking the hard questions. a friend who is not consumed with thoughts of herself, but of those around her.

i want to be brave in Christ. i want to open my heart to him. to allow Him to rule over my whole life and to be my everything. i want to be brave enough to trust him without borders. to know that he is walking with me through these deep waters and that i have to be brave enough to let Him in and to desire him above myself.

(this necklace is from www.splendorshop.com)

i want to be brave and try new things. 

like running.

and cooking.

and writing more.

and meeting new people.

and being the first to apologize.

and to stop holding grudges.

and to laugh more. 

and to be the woman God made me- even if i think the world wont like it.

and i thought that was it. 

until Jesus gave me another word.

needy.

i asked him what that meant. "who wants to be needy, Lord? why do you want me to be needy? isnt needy a bad thing to be?"
and he showed me that i need to be needy for him. 

that i need to stop doing and trying and planning all on my own. that i need to be needy for Jesus. Needy for the gospel. needy for others around me. that i need to tear down that wall i built that says " i dont need anyone or anything, i have it under control" because that is a lie and not the gospel. 

Jesus created me to need him, to need community, to need other ladies to speak into my life. 

also, we have some straight up needs this year. and Jesus is asking me to reach out and to become low and humble myself, strip away my pride and say, " we are needy."

we need prayer.

we need cars that run - and dont break every few months.

we need help with our marriage, and parenting. 

we need answers to health questions for all 3 of us.
we need help organizing a tight, budget and sticking to it.
we need to build friendships - deep ones, not just facebook friendships. 

we are needy for His people. Needy for His grace. Needy for the gospel. 

i need it every day. all day. and its okay. 

this morning i read this in the book, Jesus Calling, " But those who are succesful in their own strength tend to go their own way, forgetting about me. it is through problems and failure, weakness and neediness that you learn to rely on me..." 

i had no idea how needy i would become this year. its only 7 days into the new year and Jesus has already shown me how needy i am to stop relying on me, and thinking i can have it all under control, but that i need to use this neediness to rely on Him. to trust him more than i ever have. to give him everything. even if it means i have to give up comforts and things that i love. like coffees from coffee shops, and cute things from target, and all the things that i thought were needs on my ikea wishlist. like all the cute clothes for me and for maggie, like all the eating out so i dont have to cook. like all the things that i think make me happy, when really what is begging to be filled is the deep longing and need for the gospel in my heart and my mind.

needy looks like, asking when i dont want too.
needy looks like showing that i dont have it all together and that Jesus loves me just the same.
needy looks like needing Jesus more than people.
needy looks like needing others more than just myself.
needy looks like relying on Jesus when things do not seem to make sense.
needy looks like praising him in  the midst of this hard season.


alongside these words, Jesus has brought me such comfort in Romans 8 and in Isaiah 43.  my goal is to memorize all of Romans 8 this year, and to memorize many verses in Isaiah 43. But the verse that keeps coming to mind and it already scribbled on my chalkboard and hopefully soon, a print hanging in my home is Isaiah 43:2

"When you pass through the waters I will be with you, and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you." 

XO
Ally