i have written this post over and over again.
i have tried a thousand times to find the words to talk about
what i have been struggling with, and i just cant.
there is something inside me that wants to share this.
something that tells me that if i dont i will regret it.
i dont want to tell you this story because i want any sort of pity or glory for myself, but i want to work out all the junk that is in my heart. i want to tell this story about how Jesus is working in my life even in the midst of this really super hard season.
i wont go into a ton of details, because the details are not important. its been a little over a month since i started having some really serious anxiety issues. i wake up every single morning with a stomach ache that makes me feel ready to throw up in an instant. i get up, get maggie up and try my best to be her mama. all the while i am sweating and shaking with fear that at any moment i'll throw up and be the sickest i have ever been.
i am sure that you, (like nearly everyone else i know) are thinking, " oh, baby number 2 is on the way!", there were times i even thought that as well. but it has been confirmed many times that there is no baby in my womb to cause all this nausea, all this crazy exhaustion.
what has been causing all this sickness in my heart and in my body has been anxiety.
2 weeks ago on a friday i woke up. the stomach ache was real. the chills were real. the exhaustion was at an all time high. i didnt get off the couch all day. i didnt eat anything. everything made me feel awful. nick came home, and i went to bed. i thought for sure i was going to throw up. anytime i ate anything (which was only what my husband begged me to try) i wanted to throw up. i couldnt even drink water. by satuday morning i thought i was feeling better, but it took a turn for the worse. i had nick take maggie to my in laws and i just laid in bed so still, while feeling my body shut down. i felt my brain going a thousand miles a minute. one second i was sweating, the next i was freezing. my breathes were deep and heavy, i couldnt control anything. i couldnt cry even though i wanted too, i was paralyzed by fear. my body started to go numb and i knew things were not right. nick came home and took me straight to the urgent care where i finally started to cry and was told i was having a severe panic attack. they gave me some medication to help calm me down, told my husband to take me home and have me eat noodles or rice and REST, REST, REST. my sweet inlaws had our girl that whole day, and then my parents took her that night. i felt so rested sunday morning, and as hard as it is for me to admit, i knew i needed help. i took a huge step for myself and had a pastor pray for me after church, what i learned from that time with our pastor was honestly a game changer for me.
i learned that my anxiety is not caused because i am a terrible Christian. i learned that i have been listening to the lies from satan that i am not enough, that i am a failure, that i am of no value, and that those things are lies that i need to replace with the sweet truth of the gospel. i learned that its not admitting defeat to ask for help - but that is exactly what Jesus wants
i have also learned that i am not the only person who is struggling with anxiety and panic. that there are lots of ladies, lots of Christians, who struggle with this and that it is not just something to "get over" but that there are a lot of factors that contribute to anxiety.i have learned to put all my weight on Jesus at times. i wish i could say that i do it all the time, daily, but the truth is, i am still a work in progress. i have clung to scripture so tightly. i have camped out in 1 peter where it talks about suffering. i have sang more worship music during this last month, than i probably have all year. i have prayed out loud in front of my daughter with tears streaming down my face asking Jesus to take this from me. i have prayed more in the past month than i have this whole year, and not just prayers to cure me of my anxiety, but prayers for others, and prayers that Jesus would help me to find joy in the midst of this season of suffering, prayers of repentance for the sins i have and am committing, prayers of thankfulness that i serve a good, God who is true and does not lie when he says he will sustain me.
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| >>>found here<<< |
this anxiety that i have been struggling with has taken a huge toll of my body and my health. today is literally the first day in weeks and weeks that i feel mostly normal. i have been taking medication, having blood drawn, i had a CT scan earlier this week, and multiple doctor appointments. i could really use prayers for answers on how to help my body cope with all of the crazy that it is going through - i should find out more information on tuesday at my next appointment.
and the truth in that, is that i am weary. i tired of not being able to eat hardly anything because it makes me instantly feel sick from anxiety that it might make me have the stomach flu. i am tired of waking up every morning and not wanting to snuggle my daughter but having my mind consumed with the pain in my stomach. it is not easy, but i am still doing my best to seek Jesus and find Joy in the midst of all this struggle.
so, friends, that is where i have been. this is where i am at. its not over. im still sitting here in the midst of lots of anxiety and panic. i am still hurting. i am still struggling. but i have Jesus, and i am choosing for that to be enough.
xoxo.
a
Thank you for sharing, Ally. I have been praying for you - and will continue to do so!
ReplyDeleteSweet friend, I am lifting you up to Jesus right now. You are most definitely not alone, and those are absolutely lies (one of the best pieces of advice anyone ever gave me was, "don't believe everything you think") in regards to who you are in Christ (i.e. feeling like a bad christian, etc...). Don't you remember that your Jesus was under so much stress that he sweated drops of blood before the cross? Even though I "knew" that, for whatever reason when I was in the depths of my anxiety that brought me peace because Jesus was under intense stress and yet was without sin! Yes, there may be sin in your life (there is sin in ALL of our lives) but don't let satan make you believe those lies straight from the pit of hell. There have been days in my life (months, actually) where I literally couldn't get in my car and drive anywhere because I was seemingly always on the verge of a panic attack. There are still moments where I feel panic coming on (it happened today even) but by the grace of God He's brought me through it and He'll bring you through it too. Seriously, if you ever need to talk, I'm here. Praying for you!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteAlly,
ReplyDeleteThank you for being honest and open about what you are going through. Your authenticity is so refreshing, and it gives me courage to put the "mask" down. You rock my socks.
Hi, girl! Anxiety is absolutely the worst. I still deal with it on a regular basis but there was a time a few years ago where I, too, felt so sick I couldn't eat. Jared would make me special food or bribe me with chocolate to try to get me to eat something. I think he seriously kept me alive! I wish I had known sooner that it was okay to ask for help. A dear friend finally got me to go see my doctor and get some medication, and then to start seeing a wonderful godly therapist. Be patient with yourself - one of the worst parts of anxiety is anxiety about anxiety! As I was starting on the healing process, I would have "a bad day" and then have a total freakout that the bad day or hour or moment was a sign that I would never ever get better and I would always be anxious and guilt-ridden my whole life.
ReplyDeleteIt is totally horrible and while some of it is personal responsibility to keep your faith in Jesus, some of it IS just an anxiety disorder. So don't beat yourself up about it. Try to do what you can, but don't feel like it is your "fault" for feeling anxious or having panic attacks. You are doing great - getting help is a great step and I will be praying for your test results and for your sweet heart.
Much much love.
You are brave to share this! Hold fast to Jesus. He will sustain you. Hoping you feel better soon. XOXO
ReplyDeletei just wanted to let you know that i too struggle with this but I've actually been diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder-- and was actually diagnosed over 15 years ago. I've been on medication for just as long, but even then there are hard days. I actually have the exact same symptoms as you-- incredible nausea and feeling like I'm going to be SO ill.
ReplyDeletebut i just wanted to encourage you and let you know that you are NOT alone. Whether it's genetic (in my case) or brought on my stress or by Satan or whatever, lean into others, find what works for you and go easy on yourself.