did i miss the boat?

earlier this week i spent over an hour going through a slew of emotions.
frustrated. tired. angry. lonely. sad. furious.ugly crying. {yes its an emotion.} one thing that i kept coming back to was that i have this sinking feeling that i missed the boat. 

as i look around at my life, it feels behind.
i am 24. 
i have accomplished a ton. i have been married for 3 and a half years. i have an almost 2 year old daughter. i worked at the same job for 4 years, got promoted, and then became a stay at home mama. i have good friendships and my walk with Jesus has been growing. 

but for some reason, i feel like i have missed the boat.
almost like all that stuff is not enough.

when i think of the lives of the people around me, if i am honest, is filled with a lot more jealousy than joy. 
every time someone gets a new job, a raise, a home, public acknowledgement, and especially - a baby, i get crabby and insecure. every time i look at all the cool stuff my husband gets to do at church, all the people he gets to know, i get jealous. 

i spend my days wiping faces, changing dirty diapers, reasoning with a "pwinsess", watching ben & holly, peppa pig, and curious george, talking to narwhals on the phone, all while doing the dishes {that never seem to go away}, washing laundry, trying to sneak in a shower and running countless errands.
in my head, i know that all of those things are what i am called to do as wife and mama, but deep in my heart it doesnt feel like enough.  

what i am struggling with is feeling as if somehow, i just got left behind. i feel like i have nothing to show for the past 24 years - which as i stated above, is a lie. i have a lot - i am just choosing to not be satisfied with where i am. 

if i am honest, i imagined we would own a house by now. 
my husband would have a different job.
we would have 2 babies. i would be about 30 pounds lighter, have an etsy shop and a fun creative blog that i run on the side of taking perfect care of my home. i get frustrated that i have none of those things, and then i just throw a huge pity party for myself. 
if i am even more honest, i struggle a lot with this in the blogging world.
did i write enough posts this week?
i didnt go to a blogging conference.
no one tweets me or retweets what i say.
i dont have any i-love-blogging-because-of-the-amazing- friendships-it-produces, friends. 
nothing i have to say matters.

 the truth about all that is, its a fat lie. this is just the internet, and my main reason for blogging is not to make much of me, but to make much of Jesus - and i am clearly not doing that when i am concerned about those things. 
but i still feel a little like i got left behind. 
like i am still in highschool after every one else has graduated.
that who i am, is less than those around me.

the problem is this - i know in my head that i am not behind. that i have done many things, and that the current tasks that i am doing are very big things. but, i do not value them as such, and because i dont see them as any value i am not doing them as well as i could be, and in turn feel like i am not accomplishing anything. 

Source: reverieblog.com via Ally on Pinterest

if i could just spend more time understanding and learning from Jesus about how the role of wife and mother have deep, eternal value instead of checking myself up against those of the world, then i feel like i would be a lot less grumpy about the accomplishments of those around me. i feel like i would finally understand that there is so much value in making sure that my husband is loved, respected and cared for. that there is value in nurturing, training, and raising my daughter. that just because i dont own a house, i still need to steward my rental well. and that because there is not a baby currently growing in my womb, that i am blessed beyond measure to have the one that i do have, and if God wants to bless us with more babies, he will. in his time, not mine.  
so, that is what i am trying to focus on these days. 
i am trying to dwell on the fact that i have not missed the boat, but i am in the very place that Jesus would have me to be right now. that what i am doing does not make me less of a person. that because i dont get to be on the front lines of ministry {like my husband is right now} doesnt mean that i am not playing an important part in sharing the gospel. 

i must dwell more on the fact that Jesus finds me valuable. so much that he died for me. he saved me. he loves me, even when  i am not very lovable.  that my identity should not be in what i am doing,how i appear, or what things i have acquired, but in HIM. that i should know that with Jesus, there is no boat. that he is always there - in every season. that he is never going to let me go, even when i feel like everything else has. he is going to love me the same if i have 4 babies or 1 baby. that he is not going to think less of me if my blog never has 100 followers. that he is not going to count my family as a lost cause because we live in an apartment and have a tight budget. 
i must not only dwell on those things, but i must ask Jesus to help me to believe them, and to live in that truth. i must allow my heart, mind and identity to be totally given over to him, and live the life that he has given me instead of wishing he could give me something else. i need to take these gifts that he has blessed me with and steward them well - love them well. to keep my focus on making much of him and less of myself. 

i am not there yet. but i am praying that by the grace of God, i will start to see that the value that Christ has given me is far better than anything i could ever gain from this world.