did i miss the boat?

earlier this week i spent over an hour going through a slew of emotions.
frustrated. tired. angry. lonely. sad. furious.ugly crying. {yes its an emotion.} one thing that i kept coming back to was that i have this sinking feeling that i missed the boat. 

as i look around at my life, it feels behind.
i am 24. 
i have accomplished a ton. i have been married for 3 and a half years. i have an almost 2 year old daughter. i worked at the same job for 4 years, got promoted, and then became a stay at home mama. i have good friendships and my walk with Jesus has been growing. 

but for some reason, i feel like i have missed the boat.
almost like all that stuff is not enough.

when i think of the lives of the people around me, if i am honest, is filled with a lot more jealousy than joy. 
every time someone gets a new job, a raise, a home, public acknowledgement, and especially - a baby, i get crabby and insecure. every time i look at all the cool stuff my husband gets to do at church, all the people he gets to know, i get jealous. 

i spend my days wiping faces, changing dirty diapers, reasoning with a "pwinsess", watching ben & holly, peppa pig, and curious george, talking to narwhals on the phone, all while doing the dishes {that never seem to go away}, washing laundry, trying to sneak in a shower and running countless errands.
in my head, i know that all of those things are what i am called to do as wife and mama, but deep in my heart it doesnt feel like enough.  

what i am struggling with is feeling as if somehow, i just got left behind. i feel like i have nothing to show for the past 24 years - which as i stated above, is a lie. i have a lot - i am just choosing to not be satisfied with where i am. 

if i am honest, i imagined we would own a house by now. 
my husband would have a different job.
we would have 2 babies. i would be about 30 pounds lighter, have an etsy shop and a fun creative blog that i run on the side of taking perfect care of my home. i get frustrated that i have none of those things, and then i just throw a huge pity party for myself. 
if i am even more honest, i struggle a lot with this in the blogging world.
did i write enough posts this week?
i didnt go to a blogging conference.
no one tweets me or retweets what i say.
i dont have any i-love-blogging-because-of-the-amazing- friendships-it-produces, friends. 
nothing i have to say matters.

 the truth about all that is, its a fat lie. this is just the internet, and my main reason for blogging is not to make much of me, but to make much of Jesus - and i am clearly not doing that when i am concerned about those things. 
but i still feel a little like i got left behind. 
like i am still in highschool after every one else has graduated.
that who i am, is less than those around me.

the problem is this - i know in my head that i am not behind. that i have done many things, and that the current tasks that i am doing are very big things. but, i do not value them as such, and because i dont see them as any value i am not doing them as well as i could be, and in turn feel like i am not accomplishing anything. 

if i could just spend more time understanding and learning from Jesus about how the role of wife and mother have deep, eternal value instead of checking myself up against those of the world, then i feel like i would be a lot less grumpy about the accomplishments of those around me. i feel like i would finally understand that there is so much value in making sure that my husband is loved, respected and cared for. that there is value in nurturing, training, and raising my daughter. that just because i dont own a house, i still need to steward my rental well. and that because there is not a baby currently growing in my womb, that i am blessed beyond measure to have the one that i do have, and if God wants to bless us with more babies, he will. in his time, not mine.  
so, that is what i am trying to focus on these days. 
i am trying to dwell on the fact that i have not missed the boat, but i am in the very place that Jesus would have me to be right now. that what i am doing does not make me less of a person. that because i dont get to be on the front lines of ministry {like my husband is right now} doesnt mean that i am not playing an important part in sharing the gospel. 

i must dwell more on the fact that Jesus finds me valuable. so much that he died for me. he saved me. he loves me, even when  i am not very lovable.  that my identity should not be in what i am doing,how i appear, or what things i have acquired, but in HIM. that i should know that with Jesus, there is no boat. that he is always there - in every season. that he is never going to let me go, even when i feel like everything else has. he is going to love me the same if i have 4 babies or 1 baby. that he is not going to think less of me if my blog never has 100 followers. that he is not going to count my family as a lost cause because we live in an apartment and have a tight budget. 
i must not only dwell on those things, but i must ask Jesus to help me to believe them, and to live in that truth. i must allow my heart, mind and identity to be totally given over to him, and live the life that he has given me instead of wishing he could give me something else. i need to take these gifts that he has blessed me with and steward them well - love them well. to keep my focus on making much of him and less of myself. 

i am not there yet. but i am praying that by the grace of God, i will start to see that the value that Christ has given me is far better than anything i could ever gain from this world.


  1. Just reaching out to say lies are lies and truth is truth. Cling to truth: )

    I have a few blogging friends and just went to a blogging conference, but I hear lies like -

    You silly girl, why do you try to do THINGS. Why can't you be content to stay at home and wipe the faces? Who do you think you are? Everyone will find out about you, find out that you're not valuable and you're a screw up.

    The worst thing about the internet is the comparison it enables. We can't all do the same things at the same time and the Lord needs us to be in the season He has us in. I always tell ladies that I'm SO GLAD I didn't really understand the scope of blogging when I was in the tiny-babies-at-home phase. I'm so glad twitter wasn't a thing then.

    Keep your eyes open, sweet lady. you're valuable, influential, usable. Right now. Right where you are. The Lord is USING your story. Right now. As He builds it and tells it all at once.

    1. thank you jessi! you are such an encouragement to me, and many other women! love you!

  2. Oh, sister, how I feel you. Except I just turned 31 three days ago, we have mountains of student loan debt we're slowly chipping away at bit by nauseatingly slow bit, and while I did just have baby #2 it's hard not to compare myself in other areas. For example, I have a friend with a toddler about 7 months you get than Roger and she's always hanging out with people who don't know Jesus and taking in service projects and planning other service projects and planning a weekly go feed kids at a shelter and build relationships ministry and I feel like a huge loser that I hadn't showered since Sunday (it's Friday). Not to mention that I had lovelies write posts for my blog (like you!) and then got out on bed rest and now haven't opened my laptop at all, let alone to get them posted, for three full weeks.

    Honestly, making it to the bathroom before wetting my pants because juggling a 19 mo old and 2 week old is so demanding is quite the feat these days! This isn't even to mention how little anything I have left in the tank for Jas at the end of each day. I hear the accusation that if a wife is a really attentive mother but not a great wife then she's not a good mother.

    But when I start to go to the "not enough" place Jesus is so gracious. He tells me that no, I'm not enough, but he IS and I am his and hidden in him. By his grace he's enough to sustain my sweet babies and me when I am literally nursing or pumping 75% of the time during the day. He is sustaining my husband and my marriage during this time when the wife Jason is used to is being called to pour her time, energy, and body into his children (for the record, J never complains, but that makes me want to be AMZXING wife all the more bc he's such grace to me!). Lastly, while service projects and lost neighbors and even my blog are all good things, the Bible's command is to make disciples--and I'm doing that with my children, not to mention as a CG leader to the women and knowing I'll eventually be back in the Red Grp leader saddle. Evangelism is important but it doesn't honor Jesus if it's out of guilt or religion anyway. Plus, hello, 16 days ago I pushed a 9.25 pound human out of my body and I'm her only source of food and she grew 1/2 an inch in 7 days! If any friend if mine put the pressure on herself that I do I'd straight up point her toward the Gospel and so I'm best off letting Jesus take me there!

    Ha! Didn't mean to say all of that! I'm just REALLY feeling you. But lady, you are such a blessing even just through cyber friendship Andy heart is glad for the way Jesus shows himself to you and then through you because you allow it. Take heart that he is enough and people like me just love the crazy heck out of you!!

    1. :) i am so thankful for Jesus, for grace & for the fact that he had our husbands work together so that we could "meet"! praying for you sister, and thank you for all the prayers you have said for me. xoxo

  3. Hi Ally,

    I wrote a post kinda like this on Monday. I was feeling sorry for myself, for my lot in life. It's true that in blogging you see all these other people and all the amazing things they're doing and how beautiful their home is, etc.

    You are a beautiful soul being used by God and it shines though in your writing (at least for me) I'm not a huge commenter but I really enjoy your posts!

    I'll pray that you will really be encouraged this week and that you will find contentment in where God has placed you right now (maybe you can pray the same for me too!)

    1. heidi!
      i will be praying for you, it is so hard to be content with where Jesus has us. thank you for your sweet, sweet words. i am so glad to know someone is reading! :)

  4. Hi there Ally,

    Just want to pop in to encourage you that you are not alone. I think the internet can just really breed discontentment for women in our position in life. It's easy to compare our lives to photos that are just snippets of another person's life. When I feel this way, I always need a break from social media to get my heart in check. Hang in there!

    1. thanks ali! a social media break is something i should probably start praying about. the sermon that we heard on sunday was so good and really hit home - that i just really need to find my identity in Jesus and not in what others think of me. its so hard to remember that when we see little pictures of peoples lives, that we are not seeing the whole picture. everyone has a story and no ones is perfect. xoxo

  5. You just expressed in words what has been on my heart for a while...blogging/social media can be a very dangerous thing for me. It often brings out jealousy/discontentment in my heart. I often wonder if I should give it up...
    Thank you for sharing what God is teaching you.
    Praying you find contentment in Him and where He has you right now.

    Your friend through blogging :)

  6. Sweet blogging friend,

    I am so sorry. I understand where you are coming from. I had a pity party for myself this week. I hate that. I will be thinking and praying for you.

    I know how easy it is to compare. We don't have a house (heck, we don't even have an apartment right now), I'm staying with my parents, and in order for me to live with my husband, I have to give up everything and everyone I know. It stinks. But what a good reason to be in turmoil. I have a husband who loves me and would do anything for me. And I have a wonderful family who is full of support. We are slowly chipping away at our debt instead of buying a house and increasing our debt....and the comparisons can go on and on. I just told a friend something you might need to hear (and something I have to tell myself constantly: What blessings abound in the knowledge that our joy is not defined by circumstance, and even the most difficult situation is not forever.

    You are blessed, Ally, beyond measure.

    On another note, I might also encourage you to stop Pinterest. I know it's fun (trust me!), but I deleted my account several months ago...and I have been much more creative and content since. I still get on every once in a while, but I don't have an account and I don't save anything. Just an idea.

    Your blogging friend, Laura

    1. praying for you sister. thank you for your kind and encouraging words. you, my friend, are also blessed beyond measure. xoxo

  7. I so hear you on this stuff. Love the "while I maintain my perfect home" idea - somehow that one keeps sucker-punching me in the face.

    "Jesus finds me valuable. so much that he died for me." - great words to cling to. Thanks as always for your honesty. It helps me to be real with myself about my own struggles. Hang in there, girl.

    1. thank you, sweet lady!!
      i love when we get the chance to talk at church! you are always such an encouragement!

  8. This is a great post, too. l can relate. I love that you can see your role as loving, respecting and caring for your husband and nurturing, training and raising your sweet little girl. These are such important duties in God's eyes. It's humbling to consider this as ministry, but it so deeply is. I'm going to be praying that I would see myself this way also :)

    You know, it's challenging when you're creative to not be influenced by the world around you—heck, it's challenging for everyone, I'm sure. But especially when you're a perceptive, easily-inspired and spirited person, it's difficult to draw the line between letting something creatively inspire you and sinfully influence you...if that makes sense. I think about this often.

    Your little family is setting such an example of living for the Kingdom. Take heart in this and keep sharing how God is working in you. Your words are undoubtedly a huge part of your ministry—at least they are for me!


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