the one where i talk about money.

 

i love that i get to spend my days with this girl.

this week has had some really sweet momements. 

maggie has been more cuddly with me than she has in a long time.

she wants to sit with me, play with me, read with me and lately she has really liked to just hold my hand. her heart is so sweet.

i have been really thankful for all the time we get to spend together. i have to remind myself that i am thankful sometimes. you know, like when you are trying to go to the bathroom without an audience - or when you just really want get dressed alone. or when it takes 3 hours of tears {from both of us} and 3 attempts to finally get her to nap.

but i am thankful. 

it was only a little over a year ago that nick and i decided to take the big scary leap of faith and have me quit my job to be a full time stay at home mama. we had no idea how it was going to work. and we still dont. but it is working. the truth is though, it is getting a lot harder. we have basically been using some of our savings every single month for the past year. which is not awesome. but it is awesome that we have savings to do that with. but now, a year later - we need a plan. 

the goal would be to cut our monthly costs. we already dont spend a lot of extra money a month, we keep our grocery budget to about $250 or less a month and have got in the habit of one real date night a month. {the other 3 weeks we rent a movie at home} we sold one of our cars earlier this year, and bought a less costly one. but it is so hard to try and keep cutting. it would be amazing to cut our rent cost. we already have a pretty low rent for our location and space - but it just keeps going up, and it is really hard to find something cheaper. we could move to cheaper city, but really feel like God has called us to make renton home for right now. 

so what are we supposed to do?

I started back up with the #shereadstruth plan this month. i really slacked off on the last 2 - but felt really convicted to start up again this time. we are reading the book of proverbs and the first 2 chapters talk pretty much only about wisdom. 

i was convicted that i need to ask for wisdom from the Lord more often. and as i sat down to write about how much i love spending time with my little lady i felt like i need to keep asking the Lord for wisdom on what to do with our finances. 

we must keep on seeking Jesus and what he wants for our lives and walking by faith even if it doesnt seem to make sense. even when its scary and hard. even when i want to cry because i am terrifed of what he might ask us to do. 

we know that Jesus would want me to stay home and be a mama to our girl - and in order for that to work, we have to make sacrifices. a lot of them these days. 

i am working on being content with that. 

which is hard. because, lets face it - i want new clothes. i want a new couch. and a house. and maggie to have tons of cute things to wear and play with. but are those things really that important?

nope.

what is important is, am i trusting Jesus enough? do i trust that no matter what happens with our finances he will be all that we need? most days, i do. some days, i struggle.  

proverbs 3 talks about a lot of things. one of the most quoted scriptures {in my opinion} is found in this chapter. you know the one, "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." proverbs 3:5 which is like, so sweet to my worried heart. i need to trust. with all my heart. all of it. ALL OF IT. i want so badly to trust him complelty with all of this. with our money. with our life, but man it is hard.  i want to - i am trying to. as i kept reading, the Lord kept revealing. 

verses 9-10 say, " honor the Lord with your wealth, and with the first fruits of all your produce; then your barns will be filled with plenty and your vats will be bursting with wine" 

it was perfect timing for me to read this chapter. the question was raised up in my heart, " are we honoring God with our wealth?" because that is what it is - wealth. even if i dont think that it is, it is so much more than some people have. it is wealth. i am richly blessed. 

 are we giving our first fruits to the Lord? 

the honest answer is no. not really. 

its not honoring God with our wealth if i want to hoard it and hide it and keep it all for "when we really need it" {isnt there a parable about that...} or if i worship it more than i worship him. {which i often do. in fact i did last night as i cried about this all to my husband.} so how can i change that?

 certainly not by worrying about it. 

 i feel like i should have an answer already to that question, but the truth is i dont. i dont know how to change it. besides prayer. to keep praying and seeking the Lord and asking him to help me give this idol up. 

so back to my orignal question - what are we supposed to do? how do we cut back more and not hoard what we have? how do we stay generous when we dont have a lot? how do i stay thankful and content? 

can i ask you to pray for us and with us?

i really hate talking about money. because, as i said before, we are richly blessed compared to some. plus, i always feel like i am complaining when i talk about money - but my heart for this blog it to be honest in sharing what i am struggling with, and this has been something that has been on my heart for a while. so please dont hear this as a complaint, because i am really thankful for what we do have. i welcome any ideas or advice that you all might have, and again, i covet your prayers. admitting and giving up idols are so hard for me. my desire is to walk in the light with this and to stop being afraid. because Jesus will take care of me, he already is.