psalms 103:5

"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I hope;"

this is a verse that i have been meditating on today.

waiting, is hard. trusting in the LORD = harder. (at least for me)

finding hope and joy in him-- difficult.

i have been learning through the past 40 weeks, that he is ultimately in control. it is his choice if this little baby made it through the first trimester. when she did, i praised him for his goodness. it is his choice on if our little one was a lady or a little man, and when she was indeed a lady, i praised him for hearing our prayer and giving us the desire of our heart.  when we found out that she had a spot on her heart, we praised him because we knew he is the giver of good gifts, and we then praised him for his grace when the tests came back negative. 

when i fell and spent the night in the hospital we praised him for saving our baby, and praised him for the peace that he gave to us so abundantly. 

then something happened to my heart. i let my flesh take over. it happened very slowly, but i let it happen. i started to take things into my own hands. i decided i knew when this baby was to come, i was going to choose how and when. i thought, " the LORD will not let me down. he has given me so many other gifts and so i am certain he will grant me this one too." i thought it was alright for me to do this. i rationalized it in so many different ways.  do you know what happened? i became sick in my heart. i became depressed. i had no joy. no peace. no excitement about the coming of our baby. nothing. i was numb. this lasted for weeks. i brought my husband down with me. i invited darkness into my heart and my home. i allowed sin to just infest my heart. i was ashamed and didnt want to go to the LORD. i wanted to hide. i know what adam and eve felt like. it was a mistake to try and run this life on my own. i knew it, and i didnt want to admit it to my savior. ( although i already knew he knew...) 

my husband. he served me tirelessly. over and over again he prayed for me to give this up. my community group, my friends, they all saw me hurting and prayed for me to let this all go. but me and stubborn heart just could not do it.  

then came october. i thought, "this is it! she will come on this day... the LORD is good. she will come". that day was almost 2 weeks ago. am i holding her in my arms right now?  

nope. 

after that i cracked. i fell apart. how could this happen? how could i be so wrong? i was ashamed and embarrassed that it didn't go my way. it didn't happen the way i wanted. i felt like i never wanted to leave my house. i just wanted to stay locked in there until she came. she didn't come. but HE did. he rescued my heart. i knew i couldn't do it anymore alone. i opened up and talked about it. i revealed the darkness in my heart, brought it into the light and i felt the shame and guilt being lifted. i started to feel joy again. i felt his peace, in knowing that he is the one in control. i finally felt my heart rejoice for this baby, again.

this morning i woke up.

  "this is the day that the LORD has made, i will rejoice and be glad in it." (paraphrase of Psalms 118:24)

 i wanted to pray. i wanted to pray for my daughter. i wanted to do what i did nearly 40 weeks ago. i wanted to give her back to the LORD. 

so i did.

and today, i will wait on him. i will trust in him. i will know that she is in his hands and that he already has the number of her days written. i will know that if we get to hold maggie for an hour, he is good. if we get to hold her for a week, he is good, and if we get to hold her for years, he is good. her days are numbered by him. 

maybe today is her day.  maybe tomorrow. 

maybe not. 

either way, i am choosing,  that i will not be shaken.

i will trust and hope in the LORD, because he is so much wiser than i. 

 

 xoxo-

A