nearly 6 months in.

hi internet.

although ive been absent from this space, i have been alive and wordy on instagram for the past, oh, half of a year. 

its easier to post little bits and pieces there, but i miss writing. my fingers miss the quiet clicks of the keyboard. im an oversharer by nature, and a blog is really so helpful for that, if i can ever find the actual time to log in. but whatever, i am here today, thanks to maggie taking her afternoon dip in the tub, and mj snoozing in her crib (which never happens). 

these last 5 months and 2 weeks have been a roller coaster. 

i dont even know what i last wrote, or really where to start.

ive learned so much, and felt deeper feelings than i ever have before.

i dont cry, but i need to. and somedays its all i can do to not throw a fit because im hungry and tired and want to be held. not much different from the girls who are in my care.

i take pictures constantly. not because i think my kids should be blasted all over the internet, but because i want to remember. i want to remember what it was like when molly nursed all day long. i want to remember how the girls held hands while i cleaned, or how brave maggie was when she got her ears pierced. 

i want to remember the kombucha that my husband would buy for me after long, hard days. to remember the days i cried and the days i laughed, and the coffee mug that brought this tired, bleary eyed mama JOY. i dont want to forget the details, because maybe someday the girls will want to know what it was like. maybe someday one of them will be home with their newborn baby and their big kid and call me crying, telling me how hard it is and i'll know. i'll remember and i'll buy them that cute new shirt, or colorful coffee mug and drive to their house with lattes and hugs and a new impractical outfit for their babies - because i will remember that it was hard. i'll come clean their house so they can sleep and i'll be so excited for them when that tiny baby starts to eat solid food, or sleep through the night, because i'll remember the details. (or at least i'll be able to look through our instagram books and see.) i'll know how to encourage them when their breasts are empty, and i'll know how to rejoice with them when they are full. i'll know it all because i took the time to record what their childhood has been like. the good and the bad and the beautiful and the ugly. so, im going to stop saying "sorry" for posting photos, and just do it, because i know ill never regret knowing the details.

Maggie is a kid these days. not a toddler, not a baby, but a full on kid. who says big words and long sentences. who takes a decade to tell a story and laughs at my jokes. she makes up songs and dances and stories and doesnt clean her room. she rolls her eyes and has so much sass i want to wash her mouth out with soap 500 times a day. ( i dont.) shes growing up before my eyes and im blinking too fast and missing it. you can check out her hashtag #maggie365 on instagram if you really want to see what shes been up to. thats so weird that they have hashtags. who am i? what is this life? 

Maggie is bold and brave and often times misunderstood by me. i realized today that we struggle a lot because although she looks a lot like her daddy, emotionally she is my exact twin. shes loud and mouthy and not afraid to speak her mind. she is sensitive and feels things all the time. shes funny and she just wants to be heard. i can relate to that, oh how i can relate to that. 

raising a daughter who is so much like you is a difficult task, one that i havent done very well but am praying to grow in. 

Molly is a joy. she has made up for all her crying by being the happiest baby who smiles almost all the time. shes a mamas girl, and snuggles deep. she loves her weekly visits to the chiropractor, being carried in a carrier, her daddy & drinking her bottles as slow as possible. girlfriend likes to savor, and linger. shes never in a hurry and that teaches me so much. she brings peace into my chaos and is calm when there is a storm. she doesnt sleep through the night, and im not putting my hope in that anymore. she eats a little taste of oatmeal and can sort of sit on her own. shes nearly 6 months old and i dont want to believe it.

next post is all about breastfeeding, because ive got to get these words out. followed by one on what motherhood is teaching me. then a bunch of sappy " my babies are growing up too fast" posts and some thoughts on how i feel nearly a year after our mega church split. 

im trying to be back, its good for me. 

xo.

ps. follow along on insta if you wanna. ally.macewen