the truth.

lets talk about why i have not written or even opened my blog since the end of August.  

I COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

i couldn't take the fear.

 the panic. 

the anxiety. 

the stress. 

the hurt. 

the pain. 

the struggle to write.

all i could have written about was the intense pain i was in. 

the posts would have been like a record playing the same song over

and over and over again. 

and who wants to hear that?

my heart was bitter and frustrated. 

scared and unsure.

not to mention i felt sick to my stomach and panicky about throwing up.

and in the midst of all of it, sweet Jesus told me to stop.

he told me to just be still. 

to stop the blogging.

the reading of blogs.

the comparing.

all of it. 

just stop all of it.

so, i obeyed.

i knew it would be the only thing that would help my weary heart to focus on Him.

i just stopped.

and although i missed this space, i missed reading my favorite blogs, i enjoyed the break.

the freedom to not feel like i had to compare myself to other bloggers. 

and i waited.

i waited for Jesus to tell me to come back.

i prayed that he would tell me to come back, but i was content even if His answer was, No.

then, just last week i felt a peace in my heart about writing again.

Jesus has done a great work in my heart and my life, and i feel ready 

and healthy enough to come back to this space and share more with you, 

than the hard, ugly parts of struggling with a panic disorder. 

i am excited. 

i am ready.

i have MUCH to share.

we went to disneyland.

nick and i celebrated 5 years of being engaged.

i went through Redemption Groups at our Church.

nicks internship at Mars Hill Church ended. 

Maggie turned 3.

and those are just a few of the things that i have to share. 

i am coming back with more honesty, more photographs, more content on things other than our life.
and much, much less whining. 

i hope you will join me.

xoxo,
A