be still and know.

well. how rude of me to launch this new space and then never write again.

R U D E . 

i briefly mentioned in my last post that we had some car drama this summer. 
speaking of this summer, i honestly feel like i have no idea where it went.
on minute i was dreaming up all the fun summer things we were going to do
and now i can already see september peeking its head around the corner.
the air smells more fall like.
i saw leaves on the ground at the park yesterday.
school supplies are nearly sold out, and fall clothes are 
quickly replacing the swimsuits and shorts. 
i cant stop thinking about soup and warm meals.
(lets not even talk about pumpkin spice lattes and muffins...)

this summer has been sweet.
its been long and hot.
nick has worked more than any summer before.
it has been fun to see summertime through the eyes of our almost 3 year old.
we have splashed and swam.
we did lots of swinging and sliding.
we ate lots of fresh berries and otter pops.
we got so dirty and so sweaty that it actually takes effort to scrub it off in the tub.

but this summer was something special for me.
this summer i decided i was going to be brave and wean myself off my anxiety medication.
i still need it sometimes (and i take it when i do) and i still struggle with anxiety and panic and 
stomach aches. my emotions are a crazy thing. they are unpredictable and hard to understand.
little things send me into spirals of fear and panic. 
Jesus is bigger than my anxious heart.
he is bigger than my fear.

each morning that i wake up, i pray the same prayer.
" dear Jesus, please help me to look at you. 
please help me to look at your face instead of my fear.
 i know that you are with me. please help me to trust 
in you and your plan for my day. help me to not be
afraid, to be still and know that you are God. amen."
and i pray that little prayer as many times as it takes for me 
to calm down. sometimes its once, other days im still praying it at noon. 

the last 7 months have been challenging.
living each day fearful of what could happen,
fearful of my own body. it really takes a toll.
if i am honest, i have not always done a really great
job of inviting the gospel or Jesus into my life during 
this time. i have (more than i would like to admit) allowed
fear to take hold of my heart and shoved the gospel away like
it was garbage. it has not been all praises and love towards Jesus.
in fact, most times it has been the opposite. 

i have cursed the Lord.
i have wished He would take this from me.
i have grown bitter and angry towards Him.
i have yelled at Him.
i have thought that He surely doesnt care or love
me if i am struggling with all this pain. 

but if there is one thing that i have learned during this season,
it is that God is BIGGER.
 He is bigger than my fear.
He is stronger than my stomach pains.
He is more comforting than my bed with fluffy blankets.
He is more satisfying than any amount of food.
He knows more than the internet (duh)
He loves deeper than my husband or mama.

and yet i still run from Him.
i still hide from the gospel.
i still struggle to make time for Him each morning.

i get so frustrated that maggie doesn't listen to what i say.
so annoyed when she hears me tell her what is good for 
her and does the opposite. 
yet, all the live long day i do that to Christ. 
but He doesn't turn away. He pursues and shows me His word.

a few nights ago i had a panic attack. 
i thought for certain i was deathly ill and needed medical attention.
instead, my loving husband read me psalms out loud until i calmed down.
i didnt need a doctor to help me calm down, i needed my savior. 

this summer has been all about needing Jesus for me.
i have physically been unable to get through each day without him.
its been a hard season, but a special one because it has shown me my
intense need for grace from the Lord. 

now, being off my anxiety medication, 
trying to rely on Jesus more than medicine,
i have realized i do indeed have an issue.
i struggle with anxiety attacks and panic disorder.
but i dont have to fight it alone, because Jesus, is there.
He walks with me when i am suffering and He walks beside me
when i am not. He never leaves me. ever.

knowing that i have a struggle with anxiety and panic makes things
uncertain to me. it raises lots of questions in my heart. 
questions like, " how can i have another baby if i cant be on medication 
while pregnant?" or " what if i have severe morning sickness when i am pregnant
again? how will i function??" and the verse psalms 46:10 keeps coming to mind.


i cant think of anything more comforting than that at this place in my life.

i have so much more to share about what i have learned this summer. 
so many ways my heart has grown and Jesus has changed me.
i am so excited to see fruit in areas of my life that i have struggled in.
i am so excited to have spent such quality time with my little girl.
telling you all about it is going to be my favorite.

the Lord has given me words to share, and i have lived in too much
fear of what you will think of them. but no longer. 
i am stepping out in faith and sharing my words once again, because He has 
asked me to do so. 


  1. I, too, have ben struggling with severe anxiety this year...I thought I would be on medication by this point until I had some tests done and found out it was diet related (?!). I will keep you in my prayers...I know the feeling of overwhelming panic. I pray you will find rest in our Saviour. I'm still healing, and often turn to prayer as I struggle through anxiety; now it often brings sweet time with Jesus.

    1. ooh! i would love to know more about how it was diet related for you! if you can shoot me an email about it, that would be great! thank you for your prayers, i'll be keeping you in mine too!

    2. Sent you an email last night. :-)

  2. I also have panic attacks and am unmedicated. I find that regular exercise (5-6 days a week) gives me more mental balance. It's not fool proof but helps A LOT. I wish your luck in this daily battle!

  3. Beautifully written, Ally! It was so great to see you and your sweet girl today :) You are an awesome mama, and your need for Jesus will teach Maggie that we all need him our whole lives. I keep reminding my kids of my need for Jesus too. We all need to preach the gospel to ourselves and our kids daily.


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