surrender.

in january i started praying that Jesus would give me a word to focus on this year. i prayed, and i listened to hear what he would tell me and the word, surrender kept coming up over and over in my heart and my mind. i figured that it was something that Jesus was trying to tell me, so i doodled it down in my moleskin and got to praying. 

at the time, i had no idea why Jesus would give me the word, surrender, and i was pretty nervous to find out. what would he ask me to surrender to Him? what was going to happen to my already planned plan? i could never imagine the fruit that would come from praying about and through something as simple as a word throughout 2012. it was something so comforting to me, knowing everytime that Jesus asked me to give something up, that it would be used for his Glory and my good.

this year was FULL of ways that i was asked to surrender things in my life to Jesus. The first was at the very beginning when the Lord asked us to step out of a place of ministry that was really hard to do. He made it very clear that we were not to serve there any longer and that He had something else waiting for us. it was one of the more difficult things we have had to do as a married couple. it was our first ministry together, something our hearts were very invested in as well as something that i used to find my identity. it was clear that Jesus wanted us to do something else, but trusting Him and surrendering that part of my 'perfect plan' to him was hard. i found so much comfort in his word and so much comfort knowing he had asked us to do this, but it was a struggle. looking back i can see exactly why he called us out of that place, and i couldn't be more thankful that He did. 

later on in the year the Lord asked us to follow His leading and have Nick pursue an internship at the Church. if we would not have been called out of the previous ministry, we would not have been able to pursue this internship. surrendering my desire for comfort and my selfish need to have my husband around every second that he was not working was difficult but i found tons of comfort in knowing that Jesus asked me to do this, and that by surrendering these areas of my life to Him, i was being obedient and walking in His plan for my life. we are only 4 months into this 15 month internship and i have seen HUGE growth in Nick and HUGE growth in my own life as well. our family has never been busier, but we have never been closer. we have never been apart this much, but we have never enjoyed each other this much either. if i would not have surrendered my plan to Jesus again, we would for sure not be in this place. 

Jesus asked me to surrender many, many other things to Him. Fear of Man, my intense need to be seen as perfect, the hatred i had towards my body and my self, my friendships and the way i worry more about what others think of me than what Jesus thinks, my idea of the 'perfect' toddler, comparing our lives to others, the list could go on and on. But there is something bigger that the Lord asked me to give him this year. something that i dont really want to talk about, which means i need to talk about it. 

each month that passed Jesus quietly asked me to give him the same thing over and over. i held on so tight for much of this year. trying to take it into my own hands. trying to make it work, trying to get what i wanted and when i wanted it. Jesus was paitent with me, but kept pushing. He never stopped asking me to let go of the control in this, and i finally did. 

i was supposed to have a baby in 2012.

my plan had been this all along. i was going to get pregnant and grow a tiny baby in my tummy, give birth and be cuddling that newborn and my toddler. i was not letting go of that plan. i held it so tightly. every month i would pray for a 'surprise' baby. every month i would hold my breath waiting and wishing for one. i worshiped the idea of having another baby - it consumed my thoughts and my actions. it consumed the way i felt when others would announce " we are expecting!" it was a struggle for me to be genuinely happy. i wanted to cry every time. anxiety ruled in my heart and i struggled with the idea that everyone thought that i was less of a mama because i only had one little girl instead of 1 and one on the way.
i began to lose joy in the days i have with just maggie. i started to lose sight of all the great memories we are making and could make if i would stop trying to control that area of my life. 

slowly, i realized that this was a HUGE thing that Jesus was asking me to surrender to Him. that if i surrendered this desire to him it didnt mean that i would want another baby any less, but that the desire would stop being an idol in my life. that i could find joy in waiting until He made it clear to us when the right time to grow our family would be. it took a few months, but i slowly let go of the reigns and gave them over to Jesus. 

I will tell you, i want another little baby more than ever. that desire did not change or go away - but i dont obsess over it anymore. i am not using it as a way to find joy or my value, and i am able to genuinely rejoice with those of you who's wombs are filled with life. and i feel free. i feel free because i know that i gave the control over to Jesus and that when it is in His perfect plan that we have another baby, he will reveal it to me. i feel freedom and joy because i can trust that this waiting is all for my good, not to harm me. i am so grateful that i listened to my saviors quiet prodding to give this area of my life over to Himself. Jesus knows my heart, He knows how deeply i want to add to our family. for the first time in a long time, i am content with just that. i am content knowing that He loves me, knows my heart and is still waiting to answer that prayer.

when i decided to pray over the word surrender this year i had no idea that my desire to be a mother again would be the biggest thing that i would have to give to Jesus, but HE knew. He wanted me to surrender that control, so that i could live a more full and joyful life. i still pray every day that Jesus would show us that now is the right time to have another baby, but he has not said 'yes' yet. and thats okay. i have to keep surrendering this over to him daily. i am waiting. patiently waiting for the loving, quiet voice of my Jesus telling me, "its time". 

i dont think by any means that since 2012 is over, that i am a pro at surrendering my thoughts, desires, and life to the Lord. because i am not. i have to tell myself 100 times a day to give Jesus back the control. i am not planning on stopping just because he has given me another word to pray over in 2013. i am so glad that because of this i am aware of something that i need to do on a {sometimes hourly} basis. so thankful for what Jesus has taught me, and will continue to teach me as i continue to lay my life in His hands and allow him all the control. 

what area of your life needs surrendering to Jesus? are you willing to let Him have control and rest in what His plans for you are?

xoxo