the follow through

every day i am constantly learning and growing. i mean, aren't we all? i am always asking Jesus to show me where i can grow in a certain area and lately the words "follow through" have been loud and clear in my head, and my heart. 

i struggle with procrastination. which i now, after reading proverbs for the past month i have realized is a sin that i need to repent of. i feel like procrastination and fear of man/ failure is what keeps me from the "follow through" alot.

what do i mean by "follow through"? 
well, lets say i just met you.
you invite me to have a playdate sometime.
i say, "sure! i'll send you a facebook message"
you say, " alright, great! tuesdays are usually good for me!"

and then you dont hear anything from me. 

its not because i am not interested in that play date. 
or because i dont want to get coffee sometime.
but its because i am terrified of what might happen.
and to scared to get out my comfort zone. 
the follow through is the hardest part.

i deeply want to get to know other people. 
but there is something that happens in me when i try. 
i get nervous, and i get awkward. 
so i try to avoid all of that, and the outcome of avoiding it
is not following through.
its not responding to your facebook message, or your email.
its never making concrete plans but always saying, "we should really get together sometime..." 
and i have very recently discovered that it is rude.

i know, i should have realized this sooner, but the truth is that i didnt. i just didnt think anything of it. i didnt think that people really wanted to get to know me, that they were just being nice by inviting me over, but that the secretly were hoping i would say that i was busy. 
but its rude. its rude to basically ignore people who are pursuing me. 

Jesus is like that. 
he pursues and pursues and pursues.
even after all the countless times i tell him, "i am busy"
he just keeps after my heart. he is always asking me to come and to sit with him. to be with him. always telling me that i am valued by him and worth it. that spending time with him is not a waste, but the most important thing that i can do. 
the more that i have been resting in him, and spending time in his word, the more that i am seeing that ladies who invite me over and not just doing it to be "nice" but they truly do want to get to know me. and that sometimes Jesus is asking me to step way out of my comfort zone and trust that he is in control. i have also learned how some of these ladies are mirroring Christ when they continue to keep inviting me over. and that i dont really do a very good job at being like Jesus in that way, because i dont really spend a lot of time initiating and inviting people into my life. and its convicting in all kinds of ways. 
like, i need to be better at following through, answering emails, going on playdates & stop hiding in my little apartment with my "to do" list. and repent from my sin of procrastination {daily!}
and that i need to stop living life as a "responder" only, and start being more of an initiator. and i need to keep giving up my fear of man and stop worrying about what other people are thinking of me, and just worry about what Jesus thinks. 

so, if you have invited me over and i have ignored you - i am truly sorry and hope you can forgive me. and know that i am going to write back to that email and set up a time to get together, even if i am awkward the whole time. because Jesus has asked me to, and because deep down - i really want to get to know you too.  

ps. on a totally different note, i finally got around to updating the little tabs on the right side of my blog! check them out if you want!