a lot of words & no pictures.

i log into blogger at least once a day.
i stare at the screen.
so much to say. 
no words to say it.
the silence is driving me crazy.

i am a writer.
probably not a good one.
but for as long as i can remember, 
when i feel, i write. 
as a little girl i wrote heartfelt stories.
tales filled with emotion. 
sometimes emotion that was to mature for my age.
like the time i wrote a long story about a girl who's 
baby sister died from cancer. i was in the 3 grade. 


i am a feeler.
{is that a word??} 
i feel things in a way that i cant understand.
i have recently been soaking in so much wisdom.
learning from some incredibly wise women.
about parenting, glorifying Jesus, replacing lies with truth.
there is so much i want to write.


i dont want to forget a single bit of it.
i want to remember it forever.
i want to feel it all.
i want to write it all out.

but i cant.

i feel stuck.
i feel afraid.
i feel inadequate. 

like what i have to share is not good enough.
that maybe no one will want to hear what the Lord is doing in my life and my heart. 
that it wont impact anyone.

i am living in a constant state of fear of man.
fear of y'all might think of me.
fear that what i am learning is a lie.
fear of putting myself, my passions, my heart out there.
i have written this before- its the same song, different verse.
but here i am again singing it. 

my heart is full. 
nearly to bursting.
i want to share and to get it all out.
but i dont know where to start. 

a week ago maggie fell at the park.
she got a splinter in her finger.
we thought we would just leave it there and let it work itself out.
it didnt work.
yesterday at the doctor, i sat distracting her on my lap while her doctor tenderly picked it out with a needle. 
i am sure it didnt really hurt, it was probably just uncomfortable. 

that is how my heart feels.
i want to share my heart more.
i want to put the lies to death.
i want to replace toxic thoughts with truth {#shereadstruth #souldetox check it out on twitter or instagram and join it! its amazing.} 
i want to write,even when its hard and doesnt seem to make sense.


i am not a blogger.
i dont get comments on my posts.
i dont post everyday. 
i dont have quality photos to go along with my posts.
i hardly have blogging friends.
and sometimes i wish i wish i had all those things. 
but then i remember why i have this blog.
its not to make a great name for myself, but to make a great name for Jesus. 
sometimes i forget that.

i dont want this space to be quiet.
i want to use this space to share, to have community, and to grow.
i want to have this space in 10 years and be able to look back on this sweet, hard, joyful, time of life - to thank Jesus for all that he has brought us through, and relearn all the lessons that he is teaching me now. to remember how life felt right now. 

i want to be open. 
i want to start now.

i am a writer. 
and probably not a good one.
and that doesnt matter.