on why i have been silent...

"who am i writing for?" 

"what am i writing about?"

"are my words of value or importance?"

"does anyone even read these words?"

"is that even important?"

"why am i writing this blog in the first place?"

those my friends are the questions that have been running through my mind every single time i sit down to write on this blog. 

if i am really honest with you all {which i tend to always be} i would tell you that i have never really sat down and defined what i want this blog to be - what type of a space i want it to be. do i want to write for others, do i want to write for myself - and sometimes do i want to even keep writing at all. 

its silly, i think - how deeply i want others to read what i write. not because i want to be something awesome, but i suppose its because i want to know that i am being heard. i have amazing, amazing real life friends who always validate how i feel and who hear me all the time, but there is something about writing for me - its deeper than a conversation sometimes. its more emotional, and raw. it is a part of my heart that i can only express in written words and not out of my mouth. i sometimes feel like there is this whole other person inside of me begging to get out in my writing and because i am fearful of what others will or will not say, i keep it all locked up. and i do not want to do that anymore. i want to write. ever since i was a little girl i have written. written about how i feel, written about made up stories, kept journals, and even had a blog prior to this one where the only person that read it was my sweet friends mama and after she suddenly passed away i couldn't write there anymore so i started this one. i write because if i dont, i fear i will explode. i share it with you because i want to be fully known - and i want a place to store all my memories, all my pictures, all my thoughts and all my silly interests. i want to share my life with you all not because i want to be 'popular' or because i think that my life is really so interesting that you all want to follow along and read about it, but because i want to be raw, real, and honest.

i am learning lately to just let go of what other people think about what i write. because the truth is - this is a blog about my life, my journey to live the story Jesus has for me each day, and whatever that includes is what i should write about. so i will. i will write about whatever, and i will find joy in that because i am living the life that Jesus has laid out for me - the life that he died for so that i could live, and live it in freedom. they way i feel limited to write on this blog, is for sure not living in that freedom. 

i hear too often the lies of the enemy, where he tells me that my words are not of any importance at all - that they have no value, and encourage no one. his words are just that - lies. and i am going to stop listening to them, because he is dead wrong. 

i dont want this little corner of the internet to be dry - or dead- or quiet- or filled with loud noise. i want it to be a space filled with things that are noble, pure, just, true, lovely, honorable, because that is what i want my life to be, a life built out of Philippians 4:8. i want to speak words of wisdom, lessons from mamahood, lessons ob being a wife, and the lessons that Jesus is so gracefully teaching me. and today, this blog changes. i am letting go, surrendering this blog to Jesus, and surrendering my fears and my heart to him regarding this space. its time i stop trying to make this something that it is not, and let it just come forth out of my soul - all for the glory of God.